they never say a word.. yet there is this pressure for you to conform.. but tell me? why should you.. its utter nonsense.. don't listen.. not buy into it...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

it is not goodbye

There are some times that i can't seem to understand anything about myself, if i simply create trouble because i feel i'm not quite worth the happiness that is served. Yet there are moment that i'm filled with great clarity, it is with this same swiftness that i'm once again shrowded in darkness. I have perfected the art of denying myself what i cannot have, it has become my trait to selectively perceive that I simply am not previed to beauty.

I feel disappointed, each time i leave behind a tear. As i walk the lonely path home i think of all the wonderful things, i guess i'm over compensating for the zoid i feel of raised expectations and empty smiles.

Its as if circumstances allow for me to complete a life, a life which is not mine. I feel more pain as i walk home than i started, next week will get better, you'll see. I pray that you'll take my hand and never let go. please don't let go.

but each week i fall, and is left hanging by a thread. I hang on to the hope that love will superceed all, i tell myself it is not so. then again I can't imagine it any other way.

i would wait each week
hurt each week
can you take away my pain?

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Now and Forever, I will be your man

i've been talking for over two hours with my mom, about people who hold us back in our life.

We ended up talking about the "old man"
for those who are left reeling... its your equivalent of a maternal grandfather.

apart from what we talked about

i realised how little i know and interact with my extended family, and how narrow my perspective of family is. but i am happy and very satisfied. At least i am now.

But were you ever like me, I wished there were grams to run too. To take me fishing and have fun. They could tell you all the silly thing your mom & dad did as kids. People to run to that were family that would side you and had power over your parent. Ultimately a friend, warm weathered hands that would catch you when you fall. Spoil you rotten and comforted you when you cried.

I never had that,not even close.

What ever relationship with your grandparents that you have or had, God bless you. I've never had that.

I wonder who is to blame, probably no one.

What i do contemplate is what i'll do at his wake?
As in when he dies, would i even go and pay my
respects(for lack of a better word, because i have NO respect for the old man)

Mom says that she will do whatever they tell her to do
and that i could plead the fifth...

However i think if it was up to me
i'll open him a bottle of XO
he'll like some brandy...

My most vivid memory of him..

Chinese New Year
and we had gone to visit him at his other family's house
a congregation of blood ties
We were cordial
dressed in navy silk robes
he stood up and handed each of us crisp 50s out of a wad of bills

it may mean nothing to you, You might say "Wow, free money"
but in context, this was the first time my little cousins were introduced to their grandfather
and he was buying them over with cash
blatant flaunting of his ego.

They weren't old enough to understand what was going on
my aunts and uncles, have seen enough of this to be immune

He was so proud to see how big all his grandchildren were
fuck.
before we walked through that door
he hadn't had the slightest inclination how many grandchildren he had
let alone my name.

My blood was boiling
and i ground my teeth as a accepted the crisp $50 bill
if not for the fact that i respectmy mom and my grandma.
I would have throw that $50 right back in his face

I had to hug that bastard before i walked out the door, they made me
and as i type this now, i'm flooded with emotions

I wouldn't want to get to know him, he has no respect for the people I love. He is nothing to me but a piece of rotting meat.

Mom did point out that without him i wouldn't be here today, i guess there is truth in that. However if there wasn't me there wouldn't be all this anger i feel for someone i barely know. Old man would not be able to recognise me even if i walked right in front of him.

It wouldn't make a difference if i was at the wake, i'll still be..
the granddaughter, the stranger.



* PS- thanks to GAIN CITY for the background music to my life


I think another interesting thing you should know about old man...
my cousins were given presents by their grandfather
for mich a piano
and Darren a SEGA game console

and my brother was so jealous that they had a grandfather who would give them give gifts like that
" He's your grandfather too."

That is about just how much he knows about old man.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Eat your CARROTS!!

Its a new meaning to parenting!!!

well here's the story,
not that i'm slightly jealous okay
and my opinion on this doesn't really matter

BUT!!!

My cousin got his PSLE results yesterday,
F.Y.I - 269. and if i were him i would be through the roof.
however, he was stricken with a cloak of dread
the poor child was miserable.

That is cos his parent, my Uncle and Aunt promised him presents if he got 270 points.
Man i agree that 270 is by no means an easy feat.
afterall relatively mediocure me pales in comparison with only 232.

You could just imagine the glee and elation that my cousin had when
his parent agreed to give in to his "request"
even though he fell short of their goal.

so get THIS...

he will soon receive
a brandnew
GAMEBOY
XBOX
IPOD
HANDPHONE
CABLE SPORT CHANNEL

beat thaat!
what did you get?

Oh and did i mention that he also has a place in HCI
Hwa Chong!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

That's what she gets - Brook & Dunn

She said what she wants is a man to be faithful
A true heart somebody willin’ and able
To stay by her side through thick and thin
A tender touch every now and then

She’s not hung up on fairy tales
Or some dream at the bottom of a wishin’ well
Fancy cars or diamond rings
What she wants most are the little things

At times I lay awake at night
Stare at her laying by my side
Knowin’ there in her heart as she sleeps
She can forever count on me

That’s what she gets
That’s what she gets
That’s what she gets for loving me


* PS don't ask why i was listening to country music

Monday, November 21, 2005

with this..

with this ring i give you my promise,
that you will never walk alone,
my heart will be your shelter,
my arms will be your home.

I gaze longingly, and I'm greeted with smiles. I wait and watch as the sun sets before me. As we walk up the path, with strangers whizzing by you hold my hand and kiss my fingertips and I know that everythings right. I watch the clouds and the bands of light that adorn the pavement. I wonder how you are and look forward to the second I can embrace you. It happens. And now as I walk back home across fond memories, I am sadden that a another week must go by. Its a sort of longing i dread, though it pales in comparison to how you must feel. I watch as he soundly slumbers and dive into my book as i peek from the corner.

As long as that gaze is unfaltering i stand firm and hold dearly, whereas it crumbles and cries.

crossroads

i want so badly to hold on and for everything to end. I've thought through is in 100 ways and each time i take a step left. I cant decided if everything is worth risking, worth scarificing mainly because it isn't. but there are some things you need to do. I can't bear to bring it upon myself and more so upon my baby. So what if i Love, like he says its not enough. I'm pushing and all i see is emptiness.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

why do i?

i keep thinking maybe..
but i know that its caused by something deeper
i can't help but let these images flood my mind
and though i deny them they are ever present
to want and deny it all at once
i thought this couldn't happen
now i'm tearing at my seams and though i have everything
i still feel unwhole
I'm at a loss for words and a prisoner of my anxieties
i wonder if its the stress
or am i just acting up
but looking at the cirumstance
maybe there is more to it than meets the eye

i feel undeserving
burdened, jaded
I'm told its physically minisfested
in the yellow of my skin
i want to cry, but i find no need for tears
i want to hold on
but to what exactly.

Monday, November 14, 2005

bad day...

I'm feeling miserable, revision is at a standstill
I'm sick and dragging my ass down to work in a bit.
today was almost a total waste of time
why do i keep forgetting that i have to depend on myself
thats if i want to get things done...

Fromnow till after my exams
its no more TV for me.. if not you can bite my ass!
my head been throbbing and my nose is out of control
so what in the world am i going to do
everything is running in every direction

well, suck it up! pull up those ankle socks
get nerdy!
i blast the exams to smiderines!!

i want to go for exchange next august, and in order to do so, i have to get a CAP of at least 3.5 in order to pull up my NOW CAP... bleah... so yea.. i know that is not hard to get but in Sem 1 i screwed up... so i need it badly in order to get me to where i want to go....

Saturday, November 12, 2005

for the benefit of drew...

here is what is happening on my bloggie..

||DrewX||
in the terminal waiting to board the plane...! love ya baby... be bback in a flash.. *smuahx* Mon, Oct 31 2005 (09:05:53 am);


anonymous
Much as you miss him when he's gone, dun let it get to you. There'll be more times when you guys will be separated for awhile, perhaps make use of this time to catch up with your other friends? Sun, Nov 06 2005 (04:10:43 am)

anonymous
Being attached is one thing, being excessively clingy is another ... I'm sure he'll appreciate your independance as much as he misses you while you're gone ... :-) Sun, Nov 06 2005 (04:12:18 am)

zhi
who am i taking advise from? Sun, Nov 06 2005 (08:53:07 am)

anonymous
me. juz a random blog surfer. Sun, Nov 06 2005 (08:55:43 am)

zhi
do you randomly know me personally too? Sun, Nov 06 2005 (09:07:53 am)

lah~
that is so NOT clingy... aiya... jie~!! being clingy is always correct... you have the right to manz!! Sun, Nov 06 2005 (11:52:54 pm)

3na
thanks didi... for sticking up for me.. Mon, Nov 07 2005 (04:11:02 am)

girl
hey babe.. jus dropping by, nothing wrong with missing someone. I miss pple all the time, like how i miss ya. Mwaks Mon, Nov 07 2005 (10:53:09 am)

shing
Trina being clingy? *soft chuckle* now that's one perspective on you that I've never heard before. I'd bet you'll know my response to that sucker *wink* Take care babe *hugz*


so yea.. i wanna know who this anonymous dude is... me clingy??? well it got a lot of ppl talking....

Sunday, November 06, 2005

3na... what have you gtten yourself in to this time...

My first post in God knows forever about missing Andrew..
and I get labelled clingy.. wow..
hehe.. I don't take offence in it, i guess you mean well

well maybe I'm not as indpendent as i thought i was huh?
whatever it is, thankyou..

i guess that is the price of making my information public, its hard to hear criticism about yourself...

I had a really relaxing weekend, though i didn't catch up on my work. I did catch up on my sleep, tele and pilates..

I will however be have to start revision now, exams are in 2 weeks.. argh..

my sister and I

We collected pond scum

What did you do today?


Zhen had to collect algae for her presentation tmr. So its 9.30 pm and i just got down and dirty scrapping scum of the walls and floor of our pond.. my fingers are gonna stink..

it was good sisterly time...

Saturday, November 05, 2005

5 days and counting..

the weekend has been outrageously empty
and really strange.
for once i'm spending so much time at home

other than the numerour hours
zoned out in front of the tele
i have accomplished little to nothing

i'm dreary, lost and feeling really void
all i want is my dose of hugs & luv luv

i'm thinking of what'll do when he comes home
what will i do if he leaves again

am i gonna feel this low

Friday, November 04, 2005

and if...

i want to run..
just keep running and running..


tension builds, no matter how i tried
just could not hold things together.
it hurts to be so distant

As i dug deep to find things to say
maybe it cos i just saw you,
but i really havent,
we were left hanging

as we all got up to leave
i wished you'll stay
there is nothing to say, yet so much to tell you
yet, if given the chance
i don't think i'll know what to say

i miss you.

i walked home alone, just dragging home dead weight. I thought about all the times i wanted to walk home alone. Well there.. you got what you wanted.. it wasn't what i bargained for at all. i thought about old times and now times, n how i'm loosing my foothold. i thought of fun times, late nights and long bus rides. I don't know what i want.

I want to be close to you, i want to know how you are doing too. i want it to be just like it was, our lives intertwined. But that is too selfish of me..

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

18 million African children will die of AIDS by 2010..

so what am i suppose to do about it?

I heard it today,
well if i shout to the world about it
if it concerned me that much
I should drop everything this instant
fly to the Africa
and dedicate my life to helping them
however, I don't see myself doing that
I do not see others do it, I do not expect them too.
So am i selfish for doing nothing
i feel that they go themselves in this predicament
now, who's fault is that?
mine? no way... so call ppl like us individualistic.
We have 1 life and i plan to live it to the fullest
my way!