missing you

what i'll do to look into your eyes
to hear your voice
jus to hold you close
i can't seem to put my finger on it
but i feel deeply for you
is this love?

how can this be
shouldnt love be enough
for I a feel lonely
heartache
n you'll never know
i keep it to myself
i don't want to hurt what we have

and to make the same mistake twice

strangely its not so much the song that appeals to me..
its more the emotion it provokes

"It's All Coming Back To Me Now" celine dion

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And if we, , ,

rite...!!

i now noe what you mean by scattered..!!! haha!!! i'm doing it again!!! ahah!!!
but yea.. i read the entry without a title.. yes ariel.. the one that i used FUCK in... u got a problem..?!
anywae.. i now noe what you mean by scattered... cos i dun quite understand what i wrote too... haha!!
i think u described the entry perfectly... if i didnt write it.. i would have thought the person is slightly psyhotic... wahaha... but yea... i'm fine.

does it

there are times when i think it matters
other times when i couldnt care
does that make me hypocritical?
i want it so badly
i long for it
but sometimes i believe
that its beyond my grasp
how would something so marvellous
belong to me
it would be a dream come true
but fat chance

i once dreamt that i had it
a vivid dream
that it consumed me
filled my days with endless pleasure
but my dream has since long faded
a distant memory

there were many times that i got my hopes up
because there was a slight chance
hopes up for nothing
like i said it is unlikely to happen
jus need the rite opportunity to come by..

cos its jus too late and we cant go back..

can you be something to someone by being something ur not? can there be a good reason to do the wrong thing? what if being urself made others feel sad..

hurts jus hurts
was unaware
someone nudged
now i see clearer the fussy
who need you
when expectation are imposed
paranoid vs. cold
no choices
anything different n
fuck
and your dissapointed
fucking my fault?!
nothing i ever say is right for you
cos i still want it to work
i remove the nails from your wounds
those scars
have destroyed our friendship

sweep it aside
afterall its my life n its now or never..
now why should i bloody care
it shouldnt have ended like this
but no regrets
no qualms
i'm sorry if you want it back

its been like that for the longest time
i was just too blind to see
or in denial
something out of nothing
never could understand how one could have but dun
all at once
i too tired to care

I give up!!!

i'm gonna quit the job.!!
i'm not much of a quiter..
at least i like to think that...
haiz..
but the job.. is jus CRAP
i'm there 11 hours a day...
n i jus realised i'm not paid for the hours in between...
so its 5 hours of work on average...
i could be doing better things than wasting my time there...
its not bout the money...
the last couple of days i've done mostly nothing...
serious..
there is always people there...
n its not like they need my help...
i'm mostly.. slacking..
n itss boring me to death..
so what if the job isin an ideal setting...
i absolutely love the little girls..!!
i wont say they are the sweetest.. but they are really a fun bunch to be around
but it jus i dun quite like to free load..
n even worst.. to waste my time...
i can safely say that the office job is more enriching than this one...
bleah..

friends are friends

no matter what...
there might be different opinions
or simply stuff that really bug you about them
but deep deep down
i noe that these people
are simply irreplacable
i love them just the way they are
and for who they are
changing or dropping that horrible habit...
i guess wont change how i feel about them
cos they already mean the world to me...

new job...

and bored of it already..
my darlings.. you wont BELIEVE where i'm working..
at IJ primary..
as a gym teacher...
its like super slack..
jus to let you noe hOW slack..
well waas in sch for 11 hours.. 7.30am- 6.30pm
pretty long huh...
well i think so too..
but in essense
i worked
5 hours..
2 periods in the morning..
then 2hr sch team training (pri 2)
btw.. they are real cute
then major break till 2.30
then another 2 periods..
another BREAK 3.30-5.30
then nother 2 classes..
in between... i sleep!!!
had 2 SOliD hours of sleep..
funny rite..
I GET PAID TO SLEEP!!!
thats not too bad huh...
but its absolutely BORING lah..

i didnt try.. i did only what i felt like

i didnt try
come what may
i believe in doing thing within my means
i know there are times that you have to push the limits..
but this is not one of THOSE times
thanks for your respect
hopefully i know what i'm doing...
thanks for the advise as well..
it was invaluable
especially during...
nvm...

thank you
its one step in the right direction
but i also want to let you know that i'm not acting as if nothing has happened...
i dont ever regret
so how i am now is
exactly where i stand

a SPOON a FORK and a pair of CHOPSTICKS

...
many stop..
few appreciate
even the regulars do not notice the subtle differences
the changes taking place
many still compliment the owner for his exquiste taste
its just a silly brand
but the cutlery have become worst for the wear
and no longer having that glow
who cares as long as they still perform their function

in walks the waiter who spend his OT polishing this FINE cutlery
admiring his work as he goes along
they sparkle
and all his hard work is paying off

yet to everyone on the outside..
it doesnt make a difference
its all just the same
a spoon is a spoon is a spoon
and forever will be
and the polish
that glow
is shortlived.

update!!

i think its long overdue

well.. the week was rather boring.. the usual work stuff...
then hanging out afterwards..
managed to catch gothika..

OHOH!! n the highlight of the week!!
i went to the MTV awards!!!
the performances were great...!!!
star-studded!!
made up for ALL that waiting..

ah! yes.. i stopped working...
quite happy...
i get to slack!!!
i didnt get fired!!! if thats what your thinking..
haha...
they really have no work for me to do!!!
the last day.. i was practically begging them to give me something to do...
the work place is fun..
but honestly.. wont want to work there fun time..
really too much time..
the working hours are funny too!!
aniwae.. i might be going to work for event gurus(ber's old place)..
along with genesh(is that how u spell it)..

oh! i went to cj to visit...
saw so many ppl!!
didnt realise how mucch i missed the place..
sigh...
oh went there with an ulterior motive..
to steal the can tabs from the council room...
i'm soo shock that they didnt throw it away...
but all good for my sister ...
she now has a grand total of 12,721 can tabs..
she still needs a couple more.. about 8 thousand to be more precise..
so if you could do my family a favour and help us collect them...
if not i'll be stuck drinking coke for the rest of the year...

yea.. i think thats it..

oh!! girls i'm so sorry i couldnt meet you all...
i'll maake it up to you all k..
i'll tell you why i couldnt make it all in due time..

bleah!!!

no on ever believes me when i say..
that i'm alright
does a smile plastered on my face
make all the difference
no use smiling when you don't mean it..
i learnt that the hard way
no point screaming shouting
prancing around when u suck

i havent gone nuts..
depression? that's nonsense
i just don't smile
is that a crime
i don't need no shoulder
i don't need your compassion
there ain't anything wrong with me

if i were
i know where to go

gone mad at

anarchy

i wish i could drop it all and leave
the torture is simply not worth the love
every so often i ask myself why i'm still here
maybe cos i've got no where else
your the only family i've ever known
n no matter i'm still stuck here..

you treat me like dirt
no longer an individual
a pawn in ur twisted game of life
you tell me you'll give me the world
empty promises broken heart
the pain too much for one to bear

i want to walk out
give you a peace of my mind
but everytime i syke myself
your face as i you walk through the door
washes all resentment from my heart
i hate the way love works

i live to serve you
a trophy mounted to your wall
i have resigned to fate
i'll never find another
i'm here to stay
eternity ain't too long

its been some time..

hasnt it...
erm.. well there isnt much to post really..
plus havent really been up to it..
oh n since i go out after work but the time i get home it way to late..
i'm feeling crappy... n sleep deprived...
so sorry for keeping you all in the dark...
well.. but truthfully
i havent been sleeping well...
i look like shit...
lynn can vouch for that..

Do i love you because your beautiful..??

Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?
Am I making believe I see in you a girl too lovely to be really true?
Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as beautiful as you seem?
Am I making believe I see in you a man too perfect to be really true?
Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as wonderful as you seem?

Thank You

...
last night was a blast...
we must do that more often
never thought we'd become friends
strangers at the right time, right place

a listening ear..
when i was in the dumps
a friend who is beyond expectation..
you not only listen..
but give brilliant advise
and i can never thank you enough
words cannot express my gradtitude..

i think there is a thin line between what you believe and what you what to believe. i thought i knew how to handle everything that has happened in the last two weeks.. but you know things happen at the most unexpected times... and now i feel lost.. in th dark?.. erm.. more like swept off my feet by a gale... i dunno what to think anymore.. times i wish i could jus stop thinking... the funny thing is.. the things that should be bothering me the most.. are not bothering me at all now.. its other things... funny how things turn out... i just wish everything would fall in place... but life is never a bad of roses.. bleah... but dreams do come through rite...

its always the little things that make you smile...

...
celebrated my little couz bdae..
well he's not that little..
but in my eyes be will lways be small..
we went ice-skating..
had a blast..
zhen taught me to skaate backwards..
do spins..
she looks so pro..
haha.. n now i do too...
its nice to know i can do all this cool stuff.. haha..
its the little things..
i always feel this way
esp when my unc n aunts around..
they notice everything...
haha.. they also noe now that i'm all better..
i was skating like a mad woman..
haiz... wish i had a pair of hockey skates..
then i can speed skate..
i dare say i'm pretty good...

back to sameuls bdae..
did i mention.. he's my fav..!!
haha.. very cheeky boy..
anywae..
it def one of those parties i'll remember..
for whatever reason...

haha..
i don't want to grow up!!!

*yawn*

i'm sleepy...
but after my bath i have a little energy left to blog...
today was simple..
yet sweet..
jus a lot of fun laughing our heads off...
talking abou total crap...
the girls n i were planning to watch a movie..
emphasis on the PLANNING... lol
anywae ended my at a nice quiet corner chatting...
girls..!! i really wanna go to melbourne to see fel!!
too bad she's not free..
we must plan it soon...
kk...

as for updates..
i'm trying to learn to play the guitar..
its surprisingly easy..
andrew... thanks for the inspiration n extra push
really jealous everytime you play..

was in the dumps last week...
i believe i'm feeling all better now..
thanks for all our concern..

oh oh!! my last day at work is next thurs... i think...
apparently they don't need my help...
i've done it all.. haha..
n also they are hiring a full time staff...
so i get to slack at home!!
do all the things i wan to do!!

next up! i'm gonna sign myself up to learn driving...
yeh!!

need to be at work at 8 tmr ... bleah...
so nite nite...

hope to see all my dear pals soon..!

wipe the tears from your eyes..
its all over
nothing left to hold
simply right here waiting
walk away from it all
leave your troubles behind
for anger and frustration
never made things any better

its late
your up thinking
any more and you'll go crazy
doubts never got you very far
and pride held you back
words we left unspoken
has made this fall through the cracks

reality sets in
a brand new day has dawned
everything is right where i left it
everyday feelings are gone
for we have changed
like i said its not the end
but the closing of a chapter
one that has left a lasting impression

Motivation Proclamation

...
Spend your lazy, endless crazy,
days inside my head.
You're so selfish, you're not the only,
one who thinks he's dead.
I'm paid to smile, now i'm on trial,
for what you think I said...
But I never said,
that everything,
would be okay.
And I never said,
that we would live,
to see another day
(yeah...yeah)

Chorus:
Motivate me,
I wanna get myself out of this bed.
Captivate me,
I want good thoughts inside of my head.
If I fall down, would you come around,
and pick me right up off the ground?
If I fall down, would you come around,
and pick me right up off the ground?


I'm realistic, and narcissistic,
you say I'm selfish and absurd.
You try to change me, try to save me,
you say I'm gonna learn.
I'm so blind, I'm out of time,
you're so unkind sometimes.
I never lied, I never lied,I never lied...
Cause i never said,
that everything
would be okay,
and I never said,
that we would live to see another day,
(yeah...yeah)

Chorus:
Motivate me,
I wanna get myself out of this bed.
Captivate me,
I want good thoughts inside of my head.
If I fall down, would you come around,
and pick me right up off the ground?
If I fall down, would you come around,
and pick me right up off the ground?
right up off the ground..
pick me right up off the ground..

Cause everything,
it'll be okay.
You know we're gonna live,
to see another day...
yeah...yeah, yeah,yeah...
Motivate me...(I wanna get myself out of this)
yeah...
Motivate me...(I wanna get myself out of this)
yeah...woah

i strangely i have nothing to say about tonight

..
the air is cold
i've said it
n left you to
ponder what you did
but it wasn't your fault at all

i cant blame you for internalising everything
though i hate to see you in this state
i should have told the truth all along
but how was i to know...

the river takes an unexpected bend
and now ur all alone
i'm sorry
it was not meant to be

both you and i know that
they might never understand
its all a lot to take in..
time never heals

it might have come down to this
but this isnt the end
till the very end i was waiting
for a ray of hope

it never came
i wanted it to work..
but love is blind..
and i see clearly..

nothing can change
i'm at inner peace
i might be selfish
so be it...

apology

now everyone can read my deepest thought..
its only a matter of time before you call..
i'm nervous...
i'll probably freeze up..
but its high time you heard it from me..
i'm sorry...
i've let you down..
i don't know what i can do to change..
to make myself something i'm not
i've been lying to you all this time..
i'm sorry..
i can never forget how it was
maybe thats why i was so caught up in the moment
but this is a hard lesson i've learnt
never to live int the past
misleading you wasn't my intention
i'm sorry

under renovation

seems like the blog has a mind of its own...
n wants me to change the layout
so while i work on that..
this would have to do...
its real crummy..
but at least all of you
can read my post...
better than nothing...
cant decide what i want...
for the layout that is..
aniwae..
i'll think about that later...
got stuff to do...

my mind is clear
my heart is a blur
i wish only that you were here
the truth would set you free
i wish the same was said for me

i have reflected..
now i noe wat i've done wrong..
i have people to thank
for saving me from the fires of hell..

i have to remember that there are people out there
who care
and there are people out there who would
never want to see me sad..
i thank the lord...

you see nothing..

there arent plenty things that make me sad..
but few that affect me..
this is jus one of the things..
never thought it would affect me so much..
change the way i look at life entirely..

it has shown me that i have many friends who care
understand
and are willing to listen to me sprout nonsense..
i love them dearly..
n never thought love could make me hurt so much..

my mind wonders.. n my friends are here to give me that smack in the face..
thank you..
i never knew i had so many flaws..
thank you for pointing them out to me..
i'm eternally grateful..
my heart has said these words over n over..
but jus not to the right people..
they are so clueless..
n they are the ones that should be the first to know..
i'm afraid of letting them down..

i though i could keep the feelings to myself..
that i could make everyone happy..
i forgot all about myself
but i'm only fooling myself..
now i stand on trial..
the jury staring through me as if i was made of glass
their gaze pierce through my skin..
as if i wasnt there at all..
or a thin flimsy board
passing judgement even before i am brought to the stand
what is the use fighting at all
i'm never going to win..

justice must be done..

now i'm nicer to strangers than him...

50/50

I Drive Myself Crazy ------------ "Missin' Your Love"

ooooh.... ---------------------- guess we didn't see
Lying in your arms ------------- It wasn't meant to be
So close together -------------- But we tried to love each other
Didn't know just what I had---- There was no reason to
Now I toss and turn ----------- It's just what we went through
Cause I'm without you --------- Now time has torn us apart
How I'm missing you so bad ---
Where was my head? ---------- Though i told you i love you
Where was my heart? ---------- And you told me the same
Now I cry alone in the dark ----- A little distance between us
I lie awake---------------------- Now i noticed a lot has changed
I drive myself crazy-------------
Drive myself crazy -------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Thinking of you ---------------- Oh, yeah
Made a mistake----------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
When I let you go baby -------- Oh, no, no
I drive myself crazy-------------
Wanting you the way that I do-- It's just another day
(wanting you the way that I do)- We go our seperate ways
--------------------------------- Without thinking about each other
I was such a fool---------------- Now everything seems new
I couldn't see it ----------------- When I see it without you
Just how good you were to me-- I've been told you feel the same as I do
(Just how good you were to me)-
--------------------------------- Though I told you I loved you (oh yeah)
You confessed your love-------- And you told me the same
( You confessed your love)------ A little distance between us
Undying devotion--------------- How I've noticed a lot has changed
I confessed my need to be free-
And now I'm left----------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
With all this pain ---------------- Yeah, yeah
I've only got myself to blame ---- (I)I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
---------------------------------- I ain't missing you
I lie awake-----------------------
I drive myself crazy-------------- (I)I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Drive myself crazy --------------- (I)I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Thinking of you------------------
Made a mistake ------------------ Is it a crime
When I let you go baby ---------- I've finally realise
I drive myself crazy -------------- You were missing all along (missing all along)
Wanting you the way that I do -- Still i don't have you
(wanting you the way that I do) - And i'm torn into
--------------------------------- Now its time to say goodbye
Why didn't I know it ------------- Now baby I
(How much I loved you baby)----
Why couldn't show it------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
(If I had only told you) ----------- Oh, baby I
When I had the chance----------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Oh I had the chance ------------- I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, oh, missing your love

oohhhhhh....la la la la la la ------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
I drive myself crazy' ------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
ahhh..oh so crazy --------------- Oh, ain't missing your love
lalalalala...oh oh oh oh-----------
I lie awake ----------------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
I drive myself crazy -------------- I ain't missing you
Drive myself crazy --------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Thinking of you ------------------ I ain't missing you
Made a mistake ------------------
(made a mistake) ---------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Let you go baby ----------------- I ain't missing you
I drive myself crazy -------------- (I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)
Wanting you the way that I do

I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
(I drive myself crazy, crazy, crazy...yeah)
Drive myself crazy
Made a mistake
Let you go baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do
I drive myself crazy
wanting you the way that I do



(I) I ain't missing your love (missing your love)