I sat down to watch my tele, and my hand brushed the rag that kept the rain from dripping in. And in a stir I regressed to age 5, and mom was throwing away my baby bolster. I held the rag, soft to the touch and then held it to my cheek and a rush of memories came flooding back.

Many things make me cry these days.

How could this be happening my most favourite T-shirt in the world squandered as trash. I held it to my face against my better judgement and pouted. I must get to the bottom of this..

To cut a long story short. I saved my 5 favourite t-shirts in the world from turning into trash.

They get a new leash on life in my safe hands, and I get to cuddle them before I wear them next *beams*

reversal of fates

its not something I haven't heard before,
what the question had posed was not without reflection

What are the qualities in a partner that you desire?

the girls replied,

security, with a dash of confidence
smarts in not only dressing but in character
smooth yet sincere
sporty with a hint of culture
calm and collected with a splash of excitement

it would be a plus if he wasn't to bad looking too, she added with a sheepish grin.

and in a reversal of fates,

the matchmaker replied..

If there was really someone out there in this world, would he date you?

---------------------------

when thrusted into such circumstances, there is only two paths to take. At least off the bat that I can think of.
1. You either wallow in sorrow that you are never going to find someone that can meet your crazy/impossible standards. Pause a moment to let the fantacism fade. Possibly cry a little and lament the cards that you've been dealt.

2. Either that or you can think of what is it that would really attract that guy, lest the fact that he probably doesn't exist: And get out of your frumpy clothes and incessent binging, put on some mascara and heels and smile the next time you order up. Because you'll never know unless you put out a big BLOCK letter sign saying "I'm available! date me, I'm awesome"
What to do, guys can't be doing all the work yea.

-------------------------

Been talking to lots of people about dating, and everyone has their different takes. Boy! do they differ...
Some say that the BRO code is meant to be broken. other tell me that looks is more important that people make it out to be. Many people still believe in soulmates more than they do santa claus.

woei tang is cynical about life, and I keep faulting him for that. But I think I ought to shut up, I hav been so cynical about love. So quick to pick out the flaws, yet when I look at other people, I wonder why is it that others are happier than me. Gee whiz.

yesterday,
we sat at the table
causual conversations, iced water
each streamed in, warm waves
spicy food and full tummies
for the first in a long time, the family shared a meal and a movie together.

I really enjoyed myself and do not know how long more, or how often that is going to happen. I cherish each meal and all the magical moments spent.

for the moment the movie ended, the brady bunch spilt and went their separate ways.

today,
i'm back from work at 6.30 and pulled up into the an empty driveway an empty house. A microwave dinner and buddy up with my tele for company

Spirit

take a chance on you

I pace, it race
in a banter of questions and retort
I walk, you move away
in words unspoken
flickers and splints
a measure of aspiration
exasperation, sometimes even relegation
I think everyone is looking for certainty.
Even then, I can promise not such thing
yet its not all empty givings
and blind takings

it strains to grapple, with the doubt that ensues
the absolute wonder, the cold hard turth
sometimes I worry about disappointment
somtimes I worry about senselessly

then I think about, what if it were me.
today I'd like to take a chance on you
the one who's eyes meet mine
hold your hand and stay a while
no need to pass the time


the greatest expression of love,, is standing there arm's length from him and watching him as he does his thing. To intently capture that moment - a picture in the expanse of time.

God bless

We played catching as kids, pajama parties, she was even my CCA senior. Today I watched her walk down the aisle. Congrats Chang En.

Their's was a wedding to be remembered, ever little detail was well thought out with TLC. She was ravishing, and I am not saying it just because... She smiled from the heart. She exuded earnestness, and in her stance a commitment unphased by grip of the occasion.

I was moved by their ceremony, effortless chic. Well, I know many hours went into the preparation. Thus it seems so effortless.

Haha.. En even had a bouquet toss on the lawn. Moments and memories frozen in time.

gonna break a leg

The hours are ticking as we count down to showtime, I can't help but feel like a bundle of nerves yet a ballful of excitement all at once, even though I have been lucky enough to have been in this piece last.

And once again tonight was the pep talk.

We ain't so technique savy, all we have left to give is our hearts. So guys pour your emotion into your movements and lets show those picnicers what we're made of. Let them stop dead in between bites of their lovely ham and cheese.

Once again, we were all told to and thus.... I am having to search for my "story"

Never being able to hold him close again, watching as he turns and walk away. Longing to be held, yet nothing 'd say would take back what was lost. Things were good and why had I been so brash and foolish. And each time I dance I relive this regret.

Tomorrow and Sunday is dedicated to forgetting what was lost. For today, I'm thinking of you.

Lionel is back in town.

And yes... its worth mentioning. I think a lot of times Bernice, Lionel and I have been spent eating prata and chatting about life. Something that I totally miss.. and though I have had the chance.. in fact, many chances to do it with Bernice, Lionel, your presence in those convos have been dearly missed :)

Not to mention he probably is the only person that I use to talk extensively about guys with. You know, men from the men's perspective. Though I do not look forward to the.. " Are you seeing anyone?" speech, I can't wait to pour over the intricacies of USA and the trials of my dismal dating life.

I look forward to many exciting suppers ahead.

To the importance of Security

Now that I am in my twenties, and boys have become a matter of everyday life. My most commonly asked question, is .. "seeing anyone.."

I watch friends and acquaintances fall in and out of relationships, and keep asking myself.. "Why can'tI do that too.." I do not want to, I do not really know how my weak heart could take it. But what keeps nagging at me is, "what if I don't.. " Does it mean that I am destined to commit to whoever, forever because I cannot see myself dating for the heck of it. Can I even treat a relationship so lightly. As usual,I'm guessing I am over thinking the situation.

So assuming, as usual, I am over thinking the situation. Let's slow it down. Go with the flow. And allow myself to date someone that I feel comfortable taking that next step with. Hmm. I wish it was just that simple. And everytime I think it could be that easy, a little voice inside my head ask me, could this person offer you the security that you so desperately desire.

I know strictly speaking that security is earn through self. And if you/ yourself are not able to feel secure, seeking security from external factors cannot possibly lead you to the answer you so seek. I feel secure. safe. I do. But can someone assure me that this relationship can stand the test of time, weather the societal storm. Most of the time, my answer to that falls short of a yes.

But then again, that could be just an unattainable load of bull crap that I have set myself up to fail for. I mean, this question, just liek the other question that I ask myself on a constant are focused on the flaws. Yet when I miss someone, think about someone, my thought are always focused on the good stuff.


A bunch of uswere having dinner yesterday, and I do agree with what they were saying. I wouldn't go as far to say that I don't want to get married or have kids, but I do agree that its hard to meet people. And it makes me feel like giving up on dating all together.

Dedicating 2009 to my body and my health

For the next half a year. I would like to focus on my well-being.

To dance, to flexibility.
To freedom of movement. New styles of dance.
To strength and capability to do all the things I wish

This means an hour each day for dance, strength and flexibility training
eating more. This is going to be a toughie.

Why is it important for me.
There is no time like the present. I am 24, and if I do not do it now, I do not foresee myself dedicating my life to learning free running, breakdancing or pilates when I am in my 30s. It can be done, I have watched and awed at so many who have come before me, who lack the technique training I've had, and yet are able to supersede me. I want to do for the love of dance. And to make myself proud and finish the chapter in my life that ended on a cliff hanger.

Don't laugh..

happy equilibrim

sometimes you have good days, sometime they suck.
Yet for all the days that suck, there are friends to pull you out of the rat race
take a breather and lament with

sometimes I wonder why I feel this invisible wall, between me and the people I meet. Few are let in, and few are held dear. Yet I get pangs, when people reach out to one another and I am not a part of that. I think that sometimes it feels great to be around many. Yet in the frenzy of laughs and tickled fun. I find it a bit too much and recluse back into my shell.

i thought that staying at home for 7 days would be torture. I won't know what to do with myself. But you know, I think those 7 days was the best vacation I have ever had. A break from myself, to find my self. To get comfortable in the little elements that I take for granted in the bustle of each day.