I want you out of my life. You make me feel that I am unimportant, you make me feel that I am second rate. That you rather be somewhere else but here.

It seems that you have become someone I no longer want to be with and it hurts but I've got to accept that. I hate you, I loved you and I can't stay angry with you.

I'm chasing visions of premonitions, shadows of the insincere. I walking circles around this place, broken from and left nothing but a trace. Unwittingly I agreed to dive into the pains of superficiality and false ambitions of tired spirits and breaks from tradition.

I don't need a trend, just a breakthrough

if I love you more

his words, just words cut and scarred. It made me flash back on our years of friendship and think long and hard if I wanted him as a friend. It was but a moment, a breath between those words that shook me to my core. Words that makes me gag with disgust and reel in frustration.

"what time are you coming?"

"I don't know, when I wake up."

these words look harmless, they say little but meaning is what is measure.


when you decide to wake up, I would have gone to the market to buy our food. When you decide to wake up the rest of is will be preparing our dinner. I hope you realise that this is not a restaurant or a shop, this is me your friend and your help is deeply appreciated. And if you are not helping say that you don't want to help, I can take it, I can understand if you are not free. But telling me that you'll come when it is convenient makes me feel like you don't give a shit how I much effort I put in as long as it favours you.

Should I stay or should I go. I like it here, there is so much great potential outside. I fear I will not meet any recognition beyond these wall.

And today I feel that you stand there and watched me burned. You held my hand and fed me hope, put me down then praised me.

destructive, and I want to walk away.

tell me what do you want from me and how can I make you happy. Is my say really important, it doesn't matter does it, so why should I bother about yours.

I love you. loved you. cried for you, might die for you. and don't even think you see me.

You make me want to be a better person. I caught myself thinking of you and its like I can't breathe. Can it be? I miss you?

When it just hits you.

It is 4am where he is right now, but I feel closer to him than anyone now. He says I want to find someone that I can take care of and I know what he means.

It is strange how some things are not meant to be explained but experienced. And I am experiencing a friendship that defies physical bounds.

here I am being a nice person given myself opportunities to meet new people and wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I want to bolt and recluse.

We met for a "catch up" though I beg to differ. At the time I didn't know him. Man.. *alarm bells should have sounded. And its scary knowing that its kinda snowballing outta control. Just leave me alone screams the voice in my head. But then again loneliness might be worst.

I'm a little surprised at where I ended up today. And though I have been feeling kinda down, I didn't think that reading about happy times would make such a world of difference. I look forward to when I might share that. For now keep smiling.

Even though you've been a million miles away. Your words still speak to me. Things will get even better. *finger & toes crossed*

it feels kind of a distant figment of my imagination. Something that happened a whole lifetime ago. I am please that it did. It gives me the belief that I am not some unlovable nincompoop just someone who maybe has been holding back.

it was my mistake to think that love isn't enough. It took losing a love of my life to figure that out. oh boy I'd never make the same mistake twice.

I never would have guessed that life would have turned out this way and that a lot of the difficult choices that I had made in the past seems like specks of insignificant dust. They seemed so important at the time but of course has been monumental life lessons to help me grow, mature and make better choices now.

It doesn't stop me from being foolish from time to time, thinking that giving in will get me the answers I want and the short term satisfaction weighed against the long term gain. I think that is my weakness, I am risk adverse. But I too am thoughtful, a bit of a worry-wort by other people's standards.

Life has been relatively simple, and boy I like simple. When I left drew to find myself and lead a life beyond our combined expectations, I did not intend to end up here. Unsure, lonely, hopeful but still happy. Some assurance from time to time would be nice, to let me know that I am walking the right way. I guess, we don't get that privilege to get reminders like that.

Sometimes I find myself setting goals that are within my means, other times I find myself a little to "head in the clouds".

I think I would never mean what I want to say. And I try and let the words flow and take on a life of its own, and within these pages have its hidden meaning. In months to come, the meaning fades. But the feelings don't. That is what is most important.

For the next year, I promise to wear my heart on my sleeve. Get hurt and be vulnerable. Allow others to help me, stay pretty and be pretty. Heck what other people think and love myself a little more. Smile more, be generous and love thy neighbour :)

I will act like the person I want to be.