Now and Forever, I will be your man

i've been talking for over two hours with my mom, about people who hold us back in our life.

We ended up talking about the "old man"
for those who are left reeling... its your equivalent of a maternal grandfather.

apart from what we talked about

i realised how little i know and interact with my extended family, and how narrow my perspective of family is. but i am happy and very satisfied. At least i am now.

But were you ever like me, I wished there were grams to run too. To take me fishing and have fun. They could tell you all the silly thing your mom & dad did as kids. People to run to that were family that would side you and had power over your parent. Ultimately a friend, warm weathered hands that would catch you when you fall. Spoil you rotten and comforted you when you cried.

I never had that,not even close.

What ever relationship with your grandparents that you have or had, God bless you. I've never had that.

I wonder who is to blame, probably no one.

What i do contemplate is what i'll do at his wake?
As in when he dies, would i even go and pay my
respects(for lack of a better word, because i have NO respect for the old man)

Mom says that she will do whatever they tell her to do
and that i could plead the fifth...

However i think if it was up to me
i'll open him a bottle of XO
he'll like some brandy...

My most vivid memory of him..

Chinese New Year
and we had gone to visit him at his other family's house
a congregation of blood ties
We were cordial
dressed in navy silk robes
he stood up and handed each of us crisp 50s out of a wad of bills

it may mean nothing to you, You might say "Wow, free money"
but in context, this was the first time my little cousins were introduced to their grandfather
and he was buying them over with cash
blatant flaunting of his ego.

They weren't old enough to understand what was going on
my aunts and uncles, have seen enough of this to be immune

He was so proud to see how big all his grandchildren were
fuck.
before we walked through that door
he hadn't had the slightest inclination how many grandchildren he had
let alone my name.

My blood was boiling
and i ground my teeth as a accepted the crisp $50 bill
if not for the fact that i respectmy mom and my grandma.
I would have throw that $50 right back in his face

I had to hug that bastard before i walked out the door, they made me
and as i type this now, i'm flooded with emotions

I wouldn't want to get to know him, he has no respect for the people I love. He is nothing to me but a piece of rotting meat.

Mom did point out that without him i wouldn't be here today, i guess there is truth in that. However if there wasn't me there wouldn't be all this anger i feel for someone i barely know. Old man would not be able to recognise me even if i walked right in front of him.

It wouldn't make a difference if i was at the wake, i'll still be..
the granddaughter, the stranger.



* PS- thanks to GAIN CITY for the background music to my life


I think another interesting thing you should know about old man...
my cousins were given presents by their grandfather
for mich a piano
and Darren a SEGA game console

and my brother was so jealous that they had a grandfather who would give them give gifts like that
" He's your grandfather too."

That is about just how much he knows about old man.