I'll be very honest. I don't like feelings, so much so that I tend to deny them and run in the opposite direction. I would probably fit no normal circumstance.

It's my privilege and my curse. Every day I take the baby steps to acknowledging how I feel and sharing them with other people. It's by no means an easy feet, baby steps.

I love life, I love my life. I'd have it no other way, maybe better. But the past wasn't better. It doesn't stop me from thinking of the past, missing bits and pieces of it. Hoping that maybe that wasn't the best life had to offer. It's a risk that I've had to live with and one that I am more than willing to take.

Backpacking, trip to amazing places, doing silly things, dancing in the streets, picnics and long walks to no where, road trips and partying.. I've done it all, and there is so much more to come. Maybe if I go alone, it really is no big deal.

Sometimes there are pangs, where I wish there is someone to share it with. Not someone who hears what I have to say, but someone who listens and not brushes me aside.

there is so much more than just loving someone. But when I do, I promise to fall.

My heart feels so full, listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, full from, going on a shopping trip with the girls, showing them around Jakarta. Yet it is so empty, from pushing people away, empty from not having someone to run to.

There are good things to come. I believe that.

I had been way too judgmental. It took the happiness project to really help me let go of the small stuff. Its makes me a better daughter, sister, trainer, friend. And maybe in the future a better lover.

There is so much growing to do if I want to move out soon. real soon. I am starting to realise that as much as I think I am not... I am spoilt.. and take too many things for granted. My well swept room, my ironed clothes my messes that clean itself up :)

today I thought how nice it would be to not have to work.. what do I have to do for that~~

i left my phone at home, I was up and about by 6.30am. My first meal was dinner, I felt ipod at my 2nd stop. I had 3 training venues today and trained 8 hours more than I did at my entire trip to JKT. And more than I have trained in my last 2 weeks combined.

I was sapped. I drank so much water that I felt like a camel. And when all was done, I was suppose to head to old school for a local film.. but I ditched the idea for a dinner with friends and the comforts of a hot shower and my bed..

Mark the date

when I was younger, you could say I was ill-informed. Crushes and puppy love. I was won over with companionship and love notes.

But now after meeting men and dating, I never knew attraction could be on so many levels.

I'd meet someone and complain there is no chemistry, but there is physical attraction. Then again, when I do chance upon chemistry, then am I attracted to this person? I'd ask. Yet more puzzling is interests. I don't share any similar interest and yet I like this person. But what is there to do together if you have NO common interest. And when you do have common interest, yet this person is not someone that you seem to have chemistry with.

Yes, I do agree that feeling can be nurtureded, "pei yang"(ed), then again people say that its first impressions that counts. So with all these varying arguments, and all these different facets of dating, attraction and the elusive "L" word, how would you pick a mate?

stay single, celibate and own 20 cats.




Why can't guys be like those in the romantic comedies..

Sweep you off your feet, do the most impossibly romantic gesture.

you know those cheesy pick up lines in movies and the 80/20 rule of first kisses (or is it 60/40). Well, its not that it does not work on girls here, I suppose.. guys you need to be smooth to pull it off.

It either fails miserably and sends the girl running for the hills or comes out so cheesy it sets girls falling off their chairs instead of into their arms.

I've had the pleasure knowing smooth talkers that could say just about anything and still get a girl's number. And boy oh boy... if not for the fact that I know WAY too much about player past.. I would fall for it Hook Line and Sinker.

The Happiness Project

Like Gretchen Rubin says in her book, I too am not depressed and in need of a get out of this rut intervention. But I do contemplate how awesome it would be to be happier and lead a more fulfilled life.

In this book there are so many wonderful snippets of information about how to let the small things slide and not be resentful about being under appreciated. I too am learning how to love people the right way. Not by nagging and setting myself up for failure but by doing as I feel, not sweat the small stuff and stop dumping..

I'm only 60 pages in, and there are so many things to tell about this book like...

"One of the great joys of falling in love is the feeling that the most extraordinary person in the entire world has chosen you"

That really was an amazing feeling.. I forgot about that. And when I am ever so lucky enough to feel that again. Be sure I'll do right by it...

of course I am worried, how my life would turn out.

However my focus needs to be on what I can do.

Hanging out with Minsi and Cheryl is always a pleasure, Cheryl always comes up with the coolest things to talk about. Philosophical topics about life, love, marriage and dating..

Cheryl says.. and I dont think this is a complement.. that she cannot read me. I mean we talked about the people in our lives and we knew "them" why they do the things they do; their "model of the world".

there seems to be too many permutations to how I would react to something.

I guess I like to keep people guessing??

I know its one of the things that drove people crazy when they date me.. One minute we could be fine and then I would re-categorize or in my crazy moments and jump the gun, thus finding an excuse to bail.

The movie yesterday struck a cord, and I have been so blessed in my life to have had so many people who loved me. I'm suffering the consequences of having pushed them all away.

I am most afraid that I haven't learnt my lesson, and when I put the peddle to the metal I might choose a fight or flight response.

Right now, I have come to accept these faults of mine, hopefully I am well on my way to correcting my ways.

to have had you in my life has been a blessing
and sometimes I catch myself hoping for more
a lot has come and gone
sometimes I am sure that its over
and other times I habour a glint of perseverance
through it all you've meant so much
and to give up now would be a bitter shame
you held me high, when I didn't know how to
and the person I am today,
I have many a thanks to you
till again hearts a sunder
Maybe one day, some day soon.

I hope to help see you through
hear your heatbeat go on for miles

So I went to build sandcastles, they keep poking fun about having "moments" where our hand will meet when we share the shovel or like plan our future together castle style.

I guess the world has very little room from platonic friendships. I guess that it true even for me. I quickly jump to conclusions and I enjoy chunk sized morsels of gossip. The juicer the better.

Maybe it should come as no surprise this is what they conclude. I guess that's okay, as long as I know where my head is in this situation.

I might have only slept at 5am. But I am really rested. I'm in for a long day's work and I can't wait.

You can always be happier.

The Happiness Project like Eat Love Pray is one of the self help auto-biographies I am reading. And I think the concept is excellent.

I'd recommend it as food for thought.

I'd been dying to go to Ikea to pick up stuff. After 1 blotched attempt. I finally made it. I braved the crowds and had a ball of fun combing the aisles for loot.

Today is going to be the start of many restful night. I bought myself a pillow!! I know.. Ikea is not really a pillow place, but trust me..

I went for a slumber party, and I slept better with this pillow than I did at home.

I just had to take one home.

I love you because....

Dearest Mom,

I remember as a school girl coming home cuddling with you in your bed, and you asked me "How was your day?". I replied, though I may have only been in pre-school "I come back at the same time, we do the same things mom." And I'd never forget what you said, "it doesn't matter how old you get, I always want to know how your day went".

It's been 20 years, and you still hold true to that promise.

Thank you mom for always being there for me, listening at the end of your long day. For looking after this big kid of yours. As the oldest, I guess I had the privilege of your time, your energy and your attention. Things that I treasure most and keep close to my heart. I think so many of my loves and passions stem from your nurturing graces.

I look forward to loving you and taking care of you all the rest of my days, just like you have unfaltering for all my life.

I love you mom.

With Thanks,
Zhi

As much as I do enjoy blogging. for a very long time I've kept my frustrations masked behind metaphors and cryptic prose. In the hopes that no one will get hurt, and that I do not anger those that hurt me.

The fear and anxiety I feel towards hurting someone or the worry that people will see me in a different light compels me from openly declaring how I feel. Be it overly happy or overtly flustered.

The O episode spoke to me. I am not a serial killer. neither am I related to one. I have done nothing wrong to feel this alienation. I am allowed to feel those emotions, be it contrary to what other people think.

All the blogs I love to read have their entries and emotion peeled back. Exposing their true feeling. As much as people talk about it. They accept it. They might not agree with it.. but just like me, one of their reader, I am intrigued, hooked and maybe sometimes taken enough to gossip about it.

So what..

the world is still going about its day, and nothing happened. Darling, nothing is going to happen to you if you strike it crazy. take the bold pose, the untrodden road. they might frown in dismay, but after that they'll go about their day.


So Cheers! to taking bolder steps to speaking openly about how I feel.

When I first heard this song, I thought it was a love song, about lost love and regret. But that's not it at all. It's a song about strength and the strength to let things go and move on. To be free.

It's my song of the week. maybe longer..



Maybe you think sometimes you can't hold on, well, just let go because there is nothing holding you back but you...

falling sick. It rarely happens to me, but I have been down with flu-like symptoms for the last 2 days and its been yucky.

to forget completely about volleyball and lay on my couch all day about it for me. All that I could muster.

Thankfully I had the new channels on cable.. Not that it was much help though.. I was relegated to watching reruns of glee, CSI and Law and Order SVU.

The world is changing, correction... my world is changing, the boys are all graduating, young men of our workforce facing structural unemployment..

From here on out sociology tells me that they succumb to class segregation. They also succumb to the sociology of the urban landscape. A rat race where the goal is accumulation of wealth. Inadvertently causing them to experience alienation and lost of social networks.. as they become defined by their desk bound computer hugging jobs.

My fear is that I will slowly lose them, and all that'll be left will be the distant memories. with each time I see them we will all have each gained 20 pounds and a hat trick of jolly stories about our dismal lives, comings and goings.

Lets just say I am 25 going on 30.. worried that my life will not mean anything. God I am worried.

Well darling.. you've got to do something about it???? but what?