I've been reading and watching way too much trash..
What if it's not trash? I mean if it is mentioned once, maybe you can disregard it, but many times over? I guess the cosmos is trying to telling you something.. you think?

So.. I've been hearing over and over that women are obsessed with finding Mr. Right. and there really isn't such a thing. So be happy with Mr. Right Now. Its not that you're lowering your standards. Its about living in the moment.

The thing is, if I had to date a Mr. Right now, there would be so many red flags that I'll overlook. Smoking nor lack off ambition nor looks would phase me, it just about a warm body to rely on, a person who understands that both need companionship and a willingness to fall in love.

I mean its a bit more than having a pet but could it really be that simple?

What about the butterflies that you feel when he sits across from you. The nervousness, the self consciousness, the intrigue the hours that ease by like minutes. Am I really too old for that?

The advise I hear is to give everything a chance. Do not deny it, snub it out even before it begins. I wonder if that is worth a shot.

Where's my Kit Kat?

I feel fine now.. but this morning and for the last week I felt fatigue setting in. I'm looking forward to some alone time :)

"My marriage age is__"

How old are you going to be when you get married?

Put an X in every box that applies to you.

Add up all the x`s and title subject with the sum


[ ] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[ ] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[ ] You own more than one credit card
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car
[ ] You do your own laundry
[ ] You vote every election
[x] You can cook for yourself
[x] You think politics are exciting
[x] You balance your own checkbook
[ ] Your parents have better things to say than your friends
Total: 3

[ ] You show up for school/college/work every day early.
[x] You always carry a pen in your pocket/purse
[x] You've never gotten a detention
[ ] You have never smoked a cigarette
[ ] You have never gotten completely trashed
[x] You have forgotten your own birthday at least once
[x] You like to take walks by yourself
[x] You've watched talk shows.
[x] You know what 'credibility' means without looking it up
[x] You drink coffee[caffiine] at least once a week.
Total: 10

[x] You know how to do the dishes.
[ ] You can count to 10 in another language.
[ ] When you say you're going to do something you do it.
[x] My parents trust me
[x] You can mow the lawn
[x] You can make adults laugh without being stupid
[ ] You remember to water the plants
[x] You study when you have to
[x] You pay attention at school/college
[ ] You remember to feed your pets
Total: 16

[x] You can spell 'experience' without looking it up.
[x] You work out on a regular basis.
[x] You clean up your own mess
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name
[ ] Your favorite kind of food is take out
[ ] You have gained weight since middle/high school
[ ] The first thing you do when you wake up is get caffeine
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need
[x] You understand political jokes the first time they are said
[x] You can type quickly
Total: 22

[ ] You have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour
[x] Your only friends are from your place of employment
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party
[x] You have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay
[ ] Most of all your friends are older than you are
[x] You can say no to staying out all night
[x] You use the internet every day
[x] Your wardrobe hasn't changed in a while
[x] You can read a book and actually finish it
Total:28

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Its always kinda scary to figure out that the next possible person you date might be the one that you will be spending the rest of your life with. Its a very daunting feeling. In order tobe married by 28. I would like to have...

-live with my fiance for a year --- 27
-dated for 2 years -------------25

And if you do the very simple math. If I turn 24 next month, how much time do I REALLY have?

haha.. no pressure yea...

watching WWII in Technicolour

I knew how it ended before the reel spun, yet for them to put it all into a movie.. I guess there was more to WWII/Germany/Nazi/Concentration Camps/Gestapo/Crimes against humanity that was worth making into a film.

As I watched the show.. They didn't play up the risk that these military men and politicians were putting on the line. But I felt it. The what ifs.. It was success or die trying.

I am heartened to understand that there were people in Germany who were fighting for humanity. That were courageous and wise to look past the veil that the Nazis propogated. It helped me to understand that Nazi is not Germany.. vice versa..

There was in the dying and bureacracy of killing.. there were good people. Fighting the good fight.

They're deaths were not forgotten..
Their lives not forgotten..
Their efforts remembered

Supper for the soul

It was so heart warming to see so many people at supper yesterday :)
Loved it!!
We talked about the past the future and even what ifs
it was candid, non judgemental.

There was something that touched me. The way the mistakes I made in my life weren't mistakes at all. They were the right decisions. I am glad that I made them, stod by them.

Ups and Downs

Roller Blading
Dim Sum
A Chick Flick
Youtubing
Mindless Chatter


all in a nights work.. Awesome!!!

Well on the down side I only had 4 hours of sleep.


I know you mean well
and hope to hear the gossip
but maybe there are lives in the mumble jumble
lives like mine.
and though its not unlike what I've heard before
and the thought, crossed my paths
stupidity wished any such thing
grievance.
worth not trouble, not when you dont feel
maybe its all about the convenience
settle.

I was wrong. to follow, agree
proximity.
maybe I've commited, and lead


all I want to say is.. Its get tiring when you heard it all before and the only thing left to do it to stop being nice. I know that I crossed this very thin almost invisible line. That line was never clearly stated about in the first place. Can't I just imagine/hope it is not there. So now everyone is left wondering about this line and where I stand in respect to it. Its Clearly on my side of the line of course.

It's all fine and dandy until I want to go watch BREAKOUT! and the only day that I am free to watch it is on Feb 14. So what to do now?

Coercion

It has dawned on me...
that my decisions can be coerced
I may have a choice
But after a few beers, may so psyching
Answers morph from No.. to Maybe.. to erm.. Yeess..

Possibly, at the back of my mind I knew
But today I admit it. That as long as you've got a good idea,
I'll run with it.
Isn't that pragmatism?
Isn't that just good sense?
When does the line from my opinion blur to form a coerced decision?

Its way too puzzling..

All I want is to do things on my own terms. Make things happen for myself
I know what needs to be done.

Valentine's Day draws near..

and I took the time to read where I've been for the last 5 Feb 14s.

Most were happy, some lingered on campilicated drama past. I'm glad to be out of the limelight. I got down to reading the other post that came along with it. Gosh I lost count of the number of times I called myself a depressing cow.. OK so those weren't my exact words, but besides the grizzly spelling mistakes, I was a really depressing soul. I still am from time to time, but I've come to embrace and love singlehood and love the shoes I'm in. I might not be gorgeous or charismatic. But it all I've got and I love ME!

I've come to learn that me, my beingness, personality or possibly lack there of is the cornerstone of any relationship. I had forgetton that I was angry at my family. Its quite puzzling to look back on all those post and wonder "did I really write that?" .

About relationship I had been so broody and yes! ocassionally there was some appreaciation but it always came with a hint of putting myself down. Gosh was I all mixed up. So when I find someone to spend my life with, there is no reason to doubt my capabilities or commitment and to live and appreaciate each extra day that I'm given. I totally need to stop second guessing or fretting about what the other thinks. It drives everyone, myself included bonkers.

As much as I think celebrations like valentine's day is a social construct brought about by capitialistic intentions to achieve materialistic mean. I'm also a romantic at heart. Its annoying that flowers cost as much as jewellry, none of which is as important as the person that you spend valentine's day with. But if you asked me how I feel about Vday, on a more personal note its about regret, change and hope for the future all mixed up and baked into a yummy cake. All that has happened in retrospect will not matter, cos when the good times roll, it'll all be called "past". I'm not waiting of a knight in shining amour on a white horse, nor am I looking for it in the first place don't be mistaken. Singlehood for now is doing me just fine ThankYou! From time to time I still wish that I had a shoulder to lie on, watch a late movie with.. that'll be nice. but that's all.

So Taylor Swift's song sums it all up really nicely, the hope for someone to spend time with and fear, sadness and sometimes loneliness in between that comes as one big package .. called a relationship. I know now it need not be so complicated. But till I write my own story, this is the story that'll keep running in my head.

A gathering of Girlfriends..

When I talk to Minsi and Cheryl, which btw I have not seen in the longest time!!! Minsi at least 1 years and Cheryl about 6mths. It takes me back to when I was 19. Some time in March where there was too much booze and my life was a mess. But they were there.. just listening, there to offer a dime of sense.

Now almost 5 years on, and even though we no longer are the closest of friends, when we do gather together the conversation is honest, transparent and occasionally intense. It feels like a time warp, J3 us talking about our NOW problems. As if no time has lapse, as if the other things that have affected our time apart matters. It was amazing to talk to and with them and I look forward to our next lunch or coffee outting with anticipation.

And you know.. No meeting with Cheryl will ever be complete without talking about last year. It was a no holds bar conversation at the dining table. I mean They did ask why she wasn't here this year so it didn't come as a rude shock to them when we did start talking about the details. But all in all guys too are really "pah kuah" lor. I didn't intend on the entire conversation to unfold as such. But I am glad I was able to talk about it openly with Cheryl and oddly enough the guys listened with much intent and understanding.

This was not the outcome I pictured in my head when I told the story 100 times over to the figments of my imagination, but I'll take it :"). I was a worry wort with nothing more to worr about. I can look forward to many afternoon coffees and gossiping. I'm excited, jubilent that I don't have to keep it all in. That what happened is as much my responsibility and which the circumstances that I was dealth.

I figure from here on out, there are going to be people from time to time who are going to ask me WHY.. What happened did indeed happen. I've started to see it froma whole different perspective. I've been ready to talk about it. Now I know that my friends are ready to listen.

Steamboat

A new year has come around and in the name of tradition, a gathering of friends was in order.
Like all the other years, I invited the council peeps over for dinner and fun :")

But what I was pleasantly surprised at was the love and generousity that poured into the dinner. I thought that no one would bother to come out grocery shopping with kenneth and I, but in the end Sean, Gary Anhong and Christie all came! They made my day. Shopping at Sheng Shiong was a blast, I took a back seat and WE planned for what to eat. The 30 mins was spent laughing joking and tossing food around, ogling at the oddities they sell in the supermarket. Christie and I lamenting that thi would be the only time that guys would be remotely interested in grocery shopping. Sean was being Sean about all things :)

At least this year we did not have any crazy ideas about boilling frogs and eating limpets. But we did have a moment about a 3 kg fish that would make oursteamboat pot look inadequate, we did buy bak kuteh flavouring and chinese herbs. lol.. If there is anything I've learnt from the previous years, its.. If you can't beat them, join them.

Everyone helped out! Especially when it came to preparing the food, setting the table, getting everything settled. Maybe my new matra has helped - chillax :") . Even Andrew helped! Thanks! For once I start to see that Nic is getting domesticated. I guess flying has done her some good. Thanks for Gary and Kenneth for the fab work in the kitchen! Christie I'd prob have gone crazy without you thanks for keeping all the guys at bay! Anhong you never fail to make everything entertaining even unwrapping crabmeat sticks.. Thanks Yihan, Jiji for setting up the tables and chairs.

Honestly, the food was secondary to the company. Laughter was never ceasing as we eased from topic to topic, persons, gossips and all else under the sun. It was one wicked dinner party! Was a great reunion of friends and memories.

The social construct of marriage..

I never believe in the stuff. Though I believe in romance and butterflies. I also know that they often don't last. I am not naive to think that love is everlasting. I mean when..

You are asking me to give up my joie de vivie, for an institution that fails for as often it succeeds

Why do you have to get married "besides some burgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age that to promote a consumer capitalist agenda"

-from "Definately, Maybe"

The reasons to get married would be to reap the benefits from the gov and to decrease the social stigma on my family unit. However, do I have to be united under the eyes of the law to have a Soulmate. For the time that we do need each other, feel for each other, maybe even love each other, we can form a family. But people change, lives alter course and peoples' priorities shift. Should I need to compromise on my person?

I know this all may seem really odd. I over think things.. I know.

I am in no hurry to fall.