ugly

I know and yet I dont...
am I too stubborn to admit what is true..

As I listened to if on the radio this morning... I smiled..
then got rudely shocked back to reality..
Seems I've had to do a lot of that lately..

it's been along time, but I feel that I'm sucked into a time warp

-----------

walking the length of time
sharing shadows with a stranger
miming the actions of social normality
living a bloody fucking lie
crying for things spilts
longing to screw up big time
maybe making it really hurt would give
a worthwhile excuse to die...
to hide behind another lie
its in this darkness that comfort stands
and in this comfort feeds insecurity
its about feeling broken
hearing it ever and over
till its part of muscle memory
walk with that slump
speak with that lisp of degredation
bask in worthlessness


-----------------------------------------

my prayer for myself.. that I might someday soon write something positive for a change... my baby steps towards positivity...

Living with Scoliosis

I hate it...

Some lady told me that I should not wear hipsters anymore... Its gonna cause my condition to get worst.. "tai liang".. her words... causing my bones to catch a cold...

No hipsters!!... that I cannot come to terms with...

My ex-ray is coming up... 14 May people... marked the calender... I am deformed... and it has been simply too difficult to get it fixed.. lol Cass would tell you that I didn't even try...

face it... I'll always be this deformed... my hips are not leveled... my leg is shorter than the other.. screwing up my backbone... causing the rib rotation... Now my shoulders are not leveled... my neck curvature is outta wack...

Don't ever for a second be envious of what I have... because... what Do I have?


I can't fight this anymore... but living with it... ugh... that might be worst...

what do I really want?

i think this a recurring theme that keeps rsurfacing up.. A circular life that I lead, after thinking that I put it behind me it reappears a different time and place and yet the same messages, same thematic. Though the characters are all replaced...

i wish it weren't such. I wish there were simple answers. but yet I know that nothing is suppose to come easy. Yet I grumble that it shouldn't have to be THIS complicated. I am never going to run far enough from invested interest and pre-concieved notion.

I want this to stop happenning to me... after I get through this. No more. I have proven myself strong through adversity. I must commit...

I have never seen people rally together like this, it is much appreciated. I truly know where their allegiances lie. It really heartening that there are people that are dependable and that I can turn to halt me and to think twice...

FINISH YOU OFF LATER...

GOT TO WORK...

self worth

someone told me on Friday something that left me frozen in my tracks... Someone finally understands my model of the world.. it was/is something that I so desperately wanted people to understand but yet I was so unwilling to share and when I did share everyone just brushed it off..

but to hear it, cut deep... it was the hardest thing I had to hear. You know what you are doing hurts you but you cant seem to help yourself. My lame excuse is that I am wired this way. That some where in my youth or childhood I... set myself up to fail.. that I wasnt worth anyone's time..that I was to second to everything else. In this place and space and in this statement I find solace and serenity...

Utterly screwed up if you ask me.. but that's just it.. I havent been able to budge from this spot.

i think that all my recent post has been leading up to this epitome.. not that i didn't already know. Everytime I tried to accept success.. i always deny myself the pleasure of satisfaction..

this is my way of putting myself on the line... to say that this is my ultimate fault. that I hope for strength..

to Cass one big Thank you! i'll take my baby steps on the road to recovery.. to drew.. yea.. you're always right.. i shan't take that for granted... I have to stop being stubborn about this and start standing on my own... figuritively of course...

why I am like that is up for discussion... I always thought that people in general are like that... however I have been proven terribly wrong...

so the new resolution is to do things that are intrinsically good for my well being..
simple.

for the first time i am going to be a little selfish do things that I want to so...

-----------------------------------------------

my next question is...
are these things that are intrinscially good for me.. things that I want to do..
for so long doing things for other people's benefit, because it fits in with their scheme of things is what I have chosen/ wanted to do...

why would I want to do something that benefits me.. you might think this is a simple question.. but its something that i struggle with often...

i better get back to work.. if you are puzzled.. dont worry I am too.. writing all this out drives me crazy... because it sounds so logical in my head...

i havent been inspired lately to write...
so I shall write about my lack of inspiration

I think in a blink on an eye, its been almost a year. So many things has happened.
God who would have thought I would be nowhere a year after graduating...

Then again I need to always look at the glass as being "half full". So maybe I have come a long way jus without realising. Although I have to say that I am much wiser, grown a little more cynical. Finally found what I want to do. Learn that I am a super procrastinator. that I need new clothes... that I need to smile a lot more, that I need to be more approachable, stop filtering... that its really fun to make mistakes. There isn't anything wrong with making a fool out of myself.

That people wont hate you for being a little full of yourself, and even if they did hate you... do you really give a fuck? I think it has been hard coming to grips with that. I guess I am working hard through cognitive dissonance.

I learnt that I have many friends who care about me a lot... I never thought much about it until Fannie had to ask me one day at the office... "Why is it everyday you get picked up after work in a different car?". My only conclusion... my friends are ubber thoughtful... *muuach* thank you!

think I shall stop here for now...
nites

walk on egg shells? so what?!

I may not get to pick the song that governs my journey..
but I do hope to write the lyrics, to set the tone and the stage
for everything inbetween..

I keep wondering when all this mediocreness will give way to my big break?
my chance at stardom.. so to speak..
but hell.. sometimes you have to act like its all already here..
work that ass and attract it to you...

haha...

no point being envious.. what good did that do to narcissi?
It's all about walking the talk.. acting big upon the thinking big..
something I never quite follow through on

why? because I chicken out...

it's like writing the each step in my path, each filled with words simpler than the last. Then you pan back and realise the word are really all a blur in the larger scheme of things. But it is those words that bind and those thoughts that helps you hold fast. Everything I have said, uttered and admitted strangely but certainly has come materialised, some thoroughly for the wear though clear as the writings on the walls.

But armed with that knowledge I begin this next chapter. New twist and turns, possible new nuances and adventures. I can't wait to tell you about it..

sick and spirit

i warrented myself sick enough to stay at home...
after fighting the fever...
and as I described it to shannon.. a walrus in my throat...
i feel enough is enough...

i have been napping most of the morning...
Its not feeling better...
Though I have to admit its one of those rare times that I've given in..
to weak and had to see the doctor...

I feel terribly horrid to have missed 4 calls from Nal
but I guess thats what recuperating is!!

And Cass you better feel bad for making me stay up deciding which part of vietnam we want to go to....

I'm going back to bed...

-----------------------------------------

Since i'm blogging...

Last Friday was casting for Spirit..
a dance piece like none I've been priviledged to breathe the same air with...
Everyone at synergy has been working on it from the get go
that is.. since our last performance in Feb..
Whatever it was.. I had to get into Spirit

So my apologies to JJ who planned the ROVERS outing so far in advance, thanks for your understanding...

back to the story..
I was down with the fever felt that I would die if I didn't eat my dinner so got there an hour late

and when I walked in.. my heart sank..
"lao shi" was there already.. he had his girls and guys selected..
they had finished the audition..

so I was feeling destined to be part of corps de synergy comforting a friend for not getting into the piece when "lao shi" called me to the front...
and just like that I was in...

I don't feel that is fair.. that part though I work so hard for it is not rightfully mine.. but now that I've been given this opportunity i'm going to work my ass off to nail it..

whatever it is.. I am over the moon that I get to dance this piece.. its going to be a treat..