self worth

someone told me on Friday something that left me frozen in my tracks... Someone finally understands my model of the world.. it was/is something that I so desperately wanted people to understand but yet I was so unwilling to share and when I did share everyone just brushed it off..

but to hear it, cut deep... it was the hardest thing I had to hear. You know what you are doing hurts you but you cant seem to help yourself. My lame excuse is that I am wired this way. That some where in my youth or childhood I... set myself up to fail.. that I wasnt worth anyone's time..that I was to second to everything else. In this place and space and in this statement I find solace and serenity...

Utterly screwed up if you ask me.. but that's just it.. I havent been able to budge from this spot.

i think that all my recent post has been leading up to this epitome.. not that i didn't already know. Everytime I tried to accept success.. i always deny myself the pleasure of satisfaction..

this is my way of putting myself on the line... to say that this is my ultimate fault. that I hope for strength..

to Cass one big Thank you! i'll take my baby steps on the road to recovery.. to drew.. yea.. you're always right.. i shan't take that for granted... I have to stop being stubborn about this and start standing on my own... figuritively of course...

why I am like that is up for discussion... I always thought that people in general are like that... however I have been proven terribly wrong...

so the new resolution is to do things that are intrinsically good for my well being..
simple.

for the first time i am going to be a little selfish do things that I want to so...

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my next question is...
are these things that are intrinscially good for me.. things that I want to do..
for so long doing things for other people's benefit, because it fits in with their scheme of things is what I have chosen/ wanted to do...

why would I want to do something that benefits me.. you might think this is a simple question.. but its something that i struggle with often...

i better get back to work.. if you are puzzled.. dont worry I am too.. writing all this out drives me crazy... because it sounds so logical in my head...