What I wouldn't do....

What i wouldn't do for an afternnon of scrabble and tea with baby...
He's busy, but so am I.. sobs.. that is so sad that I am barely getting to see him at all.

I think more and more I am seeing promise in our relationship. Something I can hold on to for a long time.
for me i think there will always be a long way to go. but looking at us now, we can do that together.

Before I always thought that if I came up short that i'll be alone. I'm glad that its not so. I believe it has been in my character to habour longing and lost. it's been a long painful journey to understand that its okay to be satisfied with what you have.

I'm sorry to you that I was always wanting more. I love you dear.
take care of me.

with my eyes closed

today ended perfectly
i was smothered with kisses
and though I felt crumpy
andrew made everything feel all better
he took me home
he made all my worries dissapate
he made me smile

he tried...

I'm so fuckingscrewed up.

I'm sorry that I have wronged you. That I can no longer be a example for you to follow. I fucked up, I do not know how to correct it, it seems so beondmy control. I want to run, run from. I amso sorry that you do not know any better and it is all my fault.

I hate myself. It can be no one else's fault.

I hate my skin




and once again I need to stop myself from wanting to breakup with drew. I just spent a wonderful day with him. now, All I want to do is leave. But I don't want to leave.

things to do

i have so much work to do it really makes me cry. but what else can I do but take it one step at the time, break it into bite size pieces for me to chew.

I need to go to church, i don't eeven remember the order of mass anymore, how pathetic is that? I know that God wouldn't judge me. then why am i still so hesitant to go. Lord I want to be closer to you.

Its going to be my last class for the year. it only means that I have no more money coming in.. sobs...
so what to do now? coach IAG1? think i'll do that.

I need a change in scenery, in an aspect of my life.. don'tknow how to go about it.

do you change something only when its broken, or do you change it cos you are in the mood. I'm so torn. I cant decide. but I have decided too, its somewhat fixed in stone.

it's a date

andrew is planning something..
pity he won't tell me what it is, I just have to wait for tonight...

i'm sorry i got mad that you... though I don't feel I was out of line

I'm lookign forward to tonight!
*smiles*

everything you deserve...

dearest andrew,

we've come a long way from strangers in cj to lovers. I never thought a slip up like giving you my number during chinese lect would end up in such a wonderful blessing. Thinking back, I think on some level I wanted something more with you otherwise i wouldn't have gave you my number.

I'm sorry that we had a rough start, I take full responsibility for it. But through that rough patch you were there every step of the way. You were there when my first day at work was a wreck, there even when you thought I made a wrong choice. you were there supportiing me. Most importantly to catch me when I fall.

I owe the last 2 years to you. Who I am now,is because of you. I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing. But you've taught me to accept myself, to love completely. If there is nothing else, these are the 2 things I want to take away from this relationship.

you have been my escape from all the crazy outside world, in your arms nothing else matters. The whole world comes to a standstill, I never have to worry. Thanks baby.

drew, i never want to hurt you ever.

goodnight

i wonder why i always keep coming back to similar topics,
everytime i watch TV or read book i always am puzzled by friendship, romance, subservience, love, understanding. not that it bad or anything. I always want it to answer the questions I ponder over in my life.

I guess the decision making is always up to me. But you know a bit of higherorder intervention would be nice, just point me in the right direction.

I have had many good friends, and I know that when push comes to shove I can always depend on them. But i want to know... what about all the times in between. who do I turn to?

i want to know that I can turn to you, even though nothing is the matter, to talk to you despite all the changes all around us. I want to know that even when we go our seperate ways you can still continue to have late night talks and do random things. I dont know if I can? I don't know if you would let me..

There are so many things I want to say, but doubt that here is the right place to say it.
I had a whole day free today, and I wasted it away. I'm feeling sick tomy stomach i cant put my finger on it.
I wish there was more hours in a day, or simply coffee coursing through my veins.

I look in the mirror and I see someone who lost her pretty, I see longing but for what? just puzzles me. I see someone who is dying to fit in. Someone who feels she is always on the outside looking. I see someone addicted, bloodshot, arms flailing. I see someone drifting away into the abiss of city life. I see a lovestruck girl gazing at her man.

Sometimes, I wish there were something drastically wrong with me, so that ppl would take notice. I could write a book about it, become famous. Be somebody. On some level that is really twisted, but its something I wanted for myself for a long time.

I don't have time to blog and yet i'm here , what does that say?

All over again ... Justin Timerberlake

So... I know RnB is in vouge, but what happened to the B for ballads? anyway.. Justin might have a saving grace in his album to trump all the synersiced singing.. No doubt that the beats on Future sex/love sounds are good, but i really like the last track..

You�ve been alone
You�ve been afraid
I�'ve been a fool
In so many ways
But I would change my life
If you thought you might try love me

So please give me another chance
To write you another song
Take back those things I�ve done
Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over again...

so simple... stacie orrico

True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free

Give me wisdom, plain and truthful
Teach me somethin I don't know
Plain as education, inspiration I suppose
Give me family, on a Sunday
And I'll be just fine
There's nothing in the world
That's worth more of my time

Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much
less is more, more, more


Her lyrics always speaks to me. and perfect timing too. It is a time when nothing much is going on in my life and a lot is going on in my head. It's like my brain is on hold. I just want to hibernate and close the door on everything that is speaking to me right now.