i'm gonna soak up the sun

Many things have happened in my life
I am thankful for them..
I've been blessed with gifts
n I pray I never take them for granted
even when problems bear down on me

many things have brought a smile to my face
and I want to capture each moment
the marvels of the earth kept close to my heart
I'm thankful for showing me neverland
in my doubt, dreariness n despair

many search for the hapiness.. healing & for love
truth be told i may never find what they are looking for
what i have is in the little things
in the everydays that go by
i'm thankful.. each morning i wake with a smile...

confrontation

it finally happened..
it did! it did..
i.. we told mom..
erm i was screaming sobbing
the works..
i finally found the oppotunity to let it all loose on my mom...
n boy did she not take it well..
at all..
but she managed to find the power
to suck it in..
n for once listen..
about how i feel..
how much i hate her.. sometimes..
about the predicaments she puts me through..
about how unfair this family sometimes..
most the time..
is to me.. just her..
about how mei feels..
about how i loath the way she
treats herself as the victim..
n that.. "oh so its my fault"..
wallow in my sorrow..
get pissed..
lash it out at me.. the maid.. tim..
n for the next forever.. annoys us by doing the exact opposite..
in some meek attempt to seek our acceptance..

that we think.. she NEVER understands
that she's a control freak..
n she's fucking always right..
n that no matter what..
we still will eventually end up having those stupid n useless
FAMILY meetings
that end up in some screaming session..
n crying session
n then we hafta hug.. kis kis.. make up..

she'll drag us each into her room..
give us the "i love you the most" speech..
n get all huggie.. with me and ask for my forgiveness...
fuck shit..!

there was no solution.. but at least i put it out on the table..

burden...

i've let it out...
n now i'm absolutely nervous..
i dont know..

this month
no.. this week
has been plauged with
all this mental torture..
n i want to make a run for the door..
what's called bail..
but i'm crumbling
n worst still..
is i think i'm purposely keeping myself here
in this dreadful state of matters..
torn.. broken.. n taking it all in..
all puffy eyed and lost
with too many to turn too
i dont know where to look...

Shouldn't be mentioing this after so long.. but it just keeps popping up.. so i guess i need to come clean..

Sorry. It doesn't quite cut it.. but i truly am.. for all the hurt i've caused. I have moved on with my life and i feel terrible that i have left you behind. i am lost as how to breach it to you. i will not deny that our relationship has been strained n i'm extremely lost as to how to act around you. What i do know however, is that you have been and will be an important part of my life.

I am truly blessed to have a friend like you who pushes me to be the best that i can be even when i am an unwilling participant. It through your encouragement i was able to pull through JC. I am indebted to you.

I sometimes blame myself for what you might be feeling: pain and solitude. I know i shouldn't but i cant help myself. I pray for things to be different. I pray for it to be simple again. I pray for the old days.. as much as i wish to hold on.. i must now chose to let go..

there are so many things i wish to say, far too private for this blog.. i do wish i'll get the oppotunity to tell you.. and not only that for you to tell me.. stop keeping it inside..

its hard to explain what we have/had.. its more than friendship.. n far from love.. or isit now? i shouldnt even be contemplating this.. afterall. i've found someone new... argh i dont know.. i want you to know that.. i am very happy where i am right now.. and that though its hard to listen.. my wish for you is to move on.. find someone special.. i dont think drowning yourself i work counts...

we'll still be friends...

on my own

i gaze pass the horizon
and ponder my fate
till i'm sian...
daunting, yeah
trying to find never neverland
elusive and forgotten
a quest to preserve
my vanity, integrity
whats left anyway
a soul too torn by strife
from waring of the worlds
I pray for solace
in this unending whirlwind
lift my shattered spirit
from torment..
to the depths of eternity
a juvenile delusion
as solemn as a pact
to put at ease
my shaken self
through one more day
of painful reality

expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..

expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..

uh..sometimes i fall so fast..
when i hit that bottom crash ur all i have..

uh.. seems like i can finally
rest my head on something real
i love the way that feels..

rouge- blood red - blood shot eyes

i was bumming the early party of the night
cos it was seriously super BORiNG
but the dance floor did pick up after the
BAND played.. they sucked lor..
i thing the ORIGINAL REPs are MuCH better...
hehe.. i swear.. on my pool table..
thank god anhong came to help relieve my bordem..
or more like to share the vast amount of it..
so while dancing..
you meet weird ppl
normal ppl..
ppl who ordinarily would have been normal
familiar faces..
gals i havent met in the lonest time
pretty people...
ppl who try to dance up against you..
the list is endless
thank got for friends n decency
didi thanks..
also thanks to paul(t8) for trying to shove me into the guy
thanks to nic for coming to my rescue..
no thanks to drew
who was camping out in the jungle
building his little hut with a roof.. not like he had a choice

i kinda freaked when i saw tris there..
cos i was there with lynn..
n keeping my fingers crossed that
i dont bump into him..
or at least lynn didnt

n its too bad that i didnt see tasha until she was about to leave

sherrie was there with steph..
n she could recognise me..
i think it took her at least a good half min..
well i guess we hafta take into account that
it was dark.. n the music was loud..

the music was strictly RNB...
not even pop.. hehe..
got kinda dull.. but lynn got us to stay
until 3 when they played some funny slow dance music...

so there i wass blasted tired..
exhausted from travelling the entire day
hanging out with the AKLTG peeps
n eating n chatting n eating n chatting...
then we go back n talked a while longer..
yup.. i stayed at lynn's

i woke early the next day 10.30am
to get my ass home for lunch n to pack
to go for dance.. 2.00pm uhh.. but dance was so much fun
like tumble tots..
like free expression... n movement..
exhilarating..
but i do admit that i am very rusty..
then off to town.. 5.00 pm
to meet the JI peeps
to celebrate stephs bdae...
ending up at swensens...
where we spoke about old time..
talked about new beginnings..
love.. marriage.. cj.. IJ.. people
where they've gone
then jump the cab to ECP.. 9.00pm
for night cycling.. though i promised to be there at 8...
but i was still early anyway...
we sat n planed routes..
n headed off at.,.. 10.00pm
to secret locations to eat n cycle..
until my butt hurt n my calf cramped for a day..
zaid kian ann n me.. completed first by 4.30am
n i was zonked
but we sat up by the beach watched the sunrise n talked about dreams aspirations
places n things we want to see go to..
the bike shop thankfully opened early at 7.00am
so we could return our bikes
n apparently still have the energy n stomach to eat breakfast
these ppl are amazing i tell you
so we went to eat prata... again..
remember: we spent the ENTIRE night EATING!!
we planned our next trip
kayaking .. but i cant go.. its this saturday.. 22nd
n they tried to make me feel bad.. cos i really cant go..
n if i didnt go.. they would CANCEL the trip..
sigh.. but i much rather go pick my baby up from the airport..

but during that conversation i blurted the funniest thing..
mus admit that i found it rather profound..
that "every idea starts out as a good idea"

back to prata..they were all heading home..
n feeling a grimy as i was.,.. i really didnt feel like public transport..
so for the first time in a long time i imposed on someone...
n asked for a ride home.. mind you that he lives 10 mins away..
i.e. BEDOK.. to drive me home would set him back at least an hour...
but hewas real sweet to agree n made a ROAD TRIP outta it.. dragging another
friend to tag along... to cut a long story short..
they came over partly cos they wanted to see my home..
apparently they heard stories bout it..
n ended up staying here(my place)
for over n hour before heading home..
it was 11am.. before i bathe..
n 12noon before i slept.. n woke up at 6 pm
so pretty much screwed my sunday
n bleah.. the next day i had sch..

thinking of last weekend is tiring as it is..
i'm still having a hangover from it...

when my world
seems to come crashing
I think of you
and its pain leaves me crying
All I want
to run to you
you've got a hold of me
n i'm too blinded

when my lips lie parched
help beyond reach
I fall for you
each step i take
sluggish and stumbling
with no one
no one the catch me
too far away

PARTY PARTY PARTY!!

hmm.. the stranges thing happened today..

i was coming home on the bus
when i got this call from the anonymous gal..
who now btw.. is my friend..
well.. to cut things short

she got my no. from sherrie
n has asked me to help her publicise her party at rouge..

so calling all my friends..
its time to party..

ROUGE 14th Jan, this FRIDAY !
cover $10 with 1 drink
entry before 12
shots at $5
tics jus call me..
my new no. 81396657

pls let me noe asap..
best by today! (whenever that maybe)

i'm all hyped up about it...
cos i havent clubbing in the longest time...

cya there...!

i've jus unleashed my secret to the world
without realising it..
n its an exhilarating feeling..
what a great weight off my shoulders
jus.. who will listen...
i'm blessed with this gift..

expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..

Your Gothic... Maybe even a bit Vampyric... Your
very sensitive, sometimes you can be outgoing
in your own population. Your sometimes Lonely,
but when your alone your much happier. If your
suicidal, it's okay, because your the kewlest
person I know!....well don't actually know you
but yeah! Write me and Tell Me if you picked
Napoleon or Ron!


Are you a Vampire/Goth/Punk/Poser/Emo/ or just a plain PREP!?
brought to you by Quizilla

ashlee.. lala lalala lalala

expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..

You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la la

LALA ashlee simpsons

hate this hate this hate this

You can dress me up in diamonds
You can dress me up in dirt
You can throw me like a line-man
I like it better when it hurts

Oh, I have waited here for you
I have waited

You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

You can meet me on an aero-plane
Or in the back of the bus
You can throw me like a boomerang
I'll come back and beat you up

Oh, I have waited here for you
Dont, keep me waiting

You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna

You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

I feel safe with you
I can be myself tonight
It's alright, with you
Cuz you hold, my secrets tight
You do, You do

TRUE ryan cabrera

expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..



But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

lets talk about the supposite picnic...
so the gals came over...

n we had this whole idea that we would sit out in the garden n sip tea..
but we ended up sitting in the nice air-conditioned room
chit-chatting about old times.. n going through photographs
n watching DVDs..
taking lives..( which fel slept till the good part..)
n white chicks.. with lousy quality n parts cut off..
All hail piracy!!
then we conveniently skipped dinner
cos of all the junk food..
then went outside to jump..
my gosh.. it was so funny...
then to BRIDGE!! havent had a bridge with the girls in damn long
then we paused to talk about boys.. lol..
erm.. then to decide what to do later...
more bridge.. then mandy headed home for dinner..
you would think thats the end..
but wait.. there's more..
SX came up to bathe.. n fel banged the drums..
then i pulled out a whole bunch of old ij photos..
so we were kinda glued to our seats for a while..
we were suppose to meet mandy at gardens..
but i guess we were too slow.. so her dad picked us up..
to the KTV.... english songs!! *grinz*
finally a bunch of friends to sing english songs with me!
so we sang n sang till the place closed at 1..
n boy did i have a good time...
i even have this real cute photo of fel singing... hehe!!
mandy's dad was kind enough to send us home..
n i had a great day!! n its true what fel says..
that we have changed.. the things we talk about the stuff we do..
i guess its part n parcel of growing up..
but i'll always remember those days...

in light of the fact that i always sound down

hmm..
my eyes are tired from crying
wanna lay in your arms again..

hehe.. happy thoughts..
baby i miss you!
can't wait to hold you tight..
hmm..

thats it.. that's my happy thought..

now I can fly!
maybe with some fairy dust..

i'm freaking sick...

i'm tired..
my nose is going at 50kph
my throat is all sore..
i figure i got it cos
i've been out the entire week..
mommy complains she hasnt seen me
and if she has.. its only briefly..
so the flu is jus some grounding...
bleah.. but it still sucks...
hehe.. hope i get well
sch starts in 3 days

of a different kind

Now i gaze in wonder
stand in awe of you
this creature of earnest

a kind familiar face

your words cut deep
tactful and sincere

i'll have it no other way
except this..

as my guardian angel
you watch from up above
i long to touch your face
hold you

recieve your grace

but clouds stand between us
two worlds, two times

i prayed for strength
to cross these oceans

this soul i long to seek
but in this time of lost

i lay in dust
gone from sight
too hurt to speak.

many times i longed to thanks you for the simple thing that make me smile.. I try.. but the words never seem right.. appropriate.. justified.. sensible.. sane.. meaningful.. n though you brighten my day.. i never could tell you.. cos i guess it get a bit sensitive when your.. argh.. i cant say anything.. without shooting myself...