no one except you was able to see past my front
letting so little a glimpse into my santum
yet that too was too painful for me to hold on to
and again, I made me shrink back in despair

I fear most, not what I regret then
but that the viciousness with not cease
in the end, I'm left to burn
and in the end I'll be the one that hurts


---------

maybe hurting is for the best. I rather I hurt that anyone else
and as I lurched in this soup of melodrama
I can't help but think that I have been forgotten.


I think of you and I feel the sunshine pour in
and it doesn't matter if the teacups are mismatched or the coffee is bitter
I love the way I can't help but want to spend time with you
and It my hope that I can find that in someone soon.

more than I hate being alone
I don't want to be with someone for lonesome's sake
I hate waiting on people
I hate being left in the lurch
waiting, hoping, that plans are going to be made

something always lead me back, but its no longer my addiction. I find it easier to offer it up, come what may. My day passes faster that way, and I appreciate the little things. I do catch myself often shoulders shrug and farrowed brow. But as quickly as it wrinkles, I breathe a sigh of calm.

more and more, I am present in what I am doing. so THINK BIG. go places.

I am looking forward to all that is planned. Take action baby~

"There are some things success is not. Its not fame, its not money or power. Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally fly out the door. It is getting to work with people you love. Success is connecting with the world and making people feel. Its finding a way to bind together people who have nothing in common but a dream. Its falling asleep at night knowing you did the best that you could. Success is joy, and freedom and friendship. And success is love."

~Jenny, Fame.

I walked the busy streets,
and sun streaming in
rays glare harshly off shards of window

I met people I knew,
and stared at the faces, many faces
all unfamiliar, yet warm and welcoming

You know that moment..
when you get to that place, that wonderful, beautiful place..
never again will I say " I want to come back here some day."
I am here.
Relish that moment, because it last, but for that moment
some of them are gone, and you may never get them back.

help me pick a part that's new
let me put more trust in you
make time to have fun
a place to call my own
an amazing new chapter that incorporate all the highlights and more

nothing sad to report.
it a far cry from my youth
I think I've mellowed
grown into my skin

maybe a hint of me fears
that it might come back because I expect

so far its been smooth sailing
and my motto is "Think big. Go places"
inspired by the success of zhen, stereophonics on the itunes
and affirmation of love
i mean there is always high heels and eye liner to hide behind

but you know, I wrote,
what if I met my McDreamy, would he do a double take
would he want plain me?

I would say, back.. not a chance.
Even if he did, I would have said "no".

But now I'm not so sure.

Sometimes less is more, sometimes you need to "invest". Its all about give and take. It about letting life happen. I know I can't control all its comings and goings. It takes work. And I dare say I haven't got there yet. But I am a pretty good work in progress.

we just had dinner, took a drive to the Barrage. We chatted about random happenings and laughed at her hooker heels.

get a grip girl.. good things.. make them happen

I was watching Glee and wished I had someone to hold like how Jesse did Rachael.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I am reading this best seller, seen it too many times not to pick it up. Although I can't fully explain what is going on in this quirky new age divorcee tale, there are some things that really speak to me.

Though I am not in that age group, nor face the same dilemmas that Elizabeth does. There are some things that women across the board grapple with. I've met those demons too and am glad to say, that when and if we do meet again. I know your weakness. Keep at bay.

So to share my favourite page with you...

Elizabeth writes that in Italy how she deals with loneliness.


"When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."




I couldn't have put it better myself.

somehow.. its difficult to get to the core of what I want to say..
The thing is, I do not really know what I want to say. Just that I have something I suppose. I finally have this urge to blog, but there are just so many things that has happened in the last couple of week that wow... I do not know really where to start...


I am glad I can breathe a sigh of relief that I have no more feelings for him. Come what may. I pray that he has the best life possible.
I blasted at Andrew over the phone and since then he hasn't spoken a bleep. I do not know if that's a good thing or bad thing. I was in no wrong, so my conscience is clear.
Work was a bane, with the hours piled up bumper to bumper it was a crazy march. But April seems to bring with it tumble weed and a Drought(spelled with a CAPITAL D)

I have been making so many excuses to not go to church. To distance myself from god. I really need to stop sabotaging myself.

with all that is happening,
there is need to put my trust in you
and with each passing day
I look up and get reminded that you are truly AWESOME
grant me the strength to do what's right
to focus on what is good and beautiful in this imperfect world
and love fervently, without hesitation and filters
I want so badly to have that close relationship with you
I am so sorry for keeping away

Love always,
Trina

I use to think maybe you love me, now baby I'm sure! I'm walking on sunshine!

And everyday feels that great. It's been a long time coming. But there is something about you that makes me double back and think life alone really ain't so bad.

I'm making plans for the next 3 years and it really isn't so difficult now that I know you're here. And that no matter what, the decisions can't get that much more complicated.

walked by you countless times before
and each time didn't notice
was looking but didn't see
the corner of your smile
and the skip in your step
masked the lost of yester years
the sadness in those deep eyes
inflection wavering
as the notions fill my mind
of the what ifs and painful reminders
what more is there to do this time
how many times do we have to start over.

It means nothing - Stereophonics

While reading my old post, I learnt a lot about me. And I realised that I wasn't as jaded as I thought. Just paranoid and with a bad case of teenager.

Today, a bunch of teenage boys asked. Do you have a boyfriend? Why don't you have one? It'll just complicate my life was my reply. And though I don't believe that is true, it keeps them quiet.

Thinking about the last message I sent you, and knowing full well that you've seen it and chosen not to reply.. that really got me thinking.

Conclusion, this whole time, I have been really selfish. All I wanted was things to mellow out.. by that I mean, we are back on talking terms, by that, I meant friends. And all those were my "terms". I know it takes both people to create a conversation.

and had I took a step back, I would have, should have seen it all along.. You have NO intention with keeping in contact. How could I have been so blind. Sure you'll humour me once in awhile. But.. I should have seen it.. I guess I was trying so hard to fix a circle in a square peg I lost track of the purpose in the first place.

I now know how hard it must have been to write that message to warn me. How difficult it must have been. I appreciate you for being that friend, to tell me the things, the ugly things that sometimes even I don't want to fess up to. When all you wanted was to never speak to me again.

I respect that.

More than anything, the last month has shown me that you've fallen safely into someone else's life and no lasting damage was done *phew. I don't know.. seeing you happy, makes me feel at peace with my juvenile ways. I assure you. and me. I have learnt so much from the last 6 years.

In this last month, I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a shroud has been lifted, my mind cleared. I am no longer bogged, or haunted. And it's like "where have I been all this time"

You've shown me that love can be really spontaneous in its simple pleasures. That gifts need only come from the heart. That there is pleasure in the chasing, everything else should be kept simple and to a bare minimum. I'll keep that in mind. And most of all, that its okay to let your heart break, but when the right one comes along, and it eventually does, to hold on.. because everyone needs to come up for air. And when that happens grab it, hold on, stick to your guns and never give up without a fight.

it's finally a goodbye.

and I am excited about what the future has in-store.