honesty - the best policy

For a very long time, even now. I get bogged down about how I feel about him. As much as I have gotten over all that I can get over. It sometimes frightens me that I may be broken beyond repair. Yes only Andrew and I know just how broken I was and sometimes momentarily I lose faith that I haven't been mended.

I think many do not understand. But I know that when others look at me, they see right through my facade. That is why I am stuck where I am - in no man's land(pun unintended).

There were times where I lied to him that I didn't want to be with him, just to test if he really wanted to be with me. And there were times that I hurt his feeling and said things that were very selfish just because I could not see pass my own teenage flaws.

I could not go 15 minutes alone in between lectures without dropping him a call. I stopped mingling with people in school because I missed him.

Most of all, I did not have the guts to own up to the fact that he was a part of my life to my family. In the larger scheme of things he remained very much an outsider in my home, when I was included in his. I did not know how to. I had been told that I couldn't and that was how I let it be. I was shit...

There were times that I did not know what to do with myself, because around him I felt like I was a different person, nothing wrong, but I couldn't come to terms with the 2 separate identities that I had forged for myself.

I felt broken.

--------------

thinking back on that I feel a tad silly. its all over now. And sometimes, I laugh at my stupidity. Sometimes I pine for my loss. But then, there was a day that I thought.. what if I was no longer single. Gosh I am gonna miss my freedom to waste my time as I please.

Anyway my point is, that I maybe a pretty decent friend to have around. Be warned I have got issues... baggage..
Be sure that I have been shedding it. I bet there are some stubborn stains that will never get fully removed. But I've admitted to them, which is more than the first steps to getting them ironed out.

Jersey Girl

Andrew and Nic were over yesterday and sneakyly gave Max scorpion wine. But before that I got a chance to raid his DVD collection and play with ever so adorable poouch.

Less that. I vaguely remembered the storyline of the movie, but remembered I did enjoy it and that I cried.

So since I could spare the time, I decided, I should watch.. Jersey Girl

After watching the movie, I feel a mixed emotions. I still don't like what happened to them and the circumstances that they are dealt. However, sometimes rolling with the punches is so much more important that harping on the past.

I know that love when it happens, in its own time of course. I bet would be totally amazing. Not saying that I believe movie romance exist. I wish it did yea.. Maybe someone who would take me out on the town, watch a play. Dinner and live music. Stroll aimlessly or sometime.

Sometimes life's bustle, skews us from seeing the bigger picture and blocks us from what is REALLY important in our lives, but when you learn your lesson, and you DO come around. You know you've learnt that lesson and nothing will change that.

Life is gonna run its course, whether you like it or notl. I might as well enjoy the ride.

a little quiz for you

1.Remember where we use to go to play bridge?
That's my favourite place in the whole world. Somewhere to take a breather from the bustle.

2.Where were you on 20 March 2005?
Let me jog your memory, I too was getting high.

3.What is your love language?
Quality time. Words of affirmation. Touch.

4.How do you write trina is awesome in code?
If you don't know, bugger off!

5.How many people own the subscription to the F.O.S newsletter?
As far as I know. Just 1. And I still keep them. The newsletters of course.

6.What's your favourite movie?
There are so many to choose from. But me? most definately Wicker Park.

could it be that simple? Follow your heart?

i realised that I really havent given myself a chance to really go and date. I mean before this I did not feel that I wanted or needed to. Though now, I just feel that its high time that I should.

Leroy talked to me once, dishing out advice and stuff. He said, "when you decide to get a boyfriend..."

N I don't really think its that simple. Maybe I am worng. Kenneth and I have a little wager on it. But that I'll talk about when the time is right.

Yes, I'm back home. Safe and sound.

you know what tickled me the most on my travels in Siem Reap? It wasn't the museums or the magnificent ruins or the sun streaming through the foliage as evening drew.

It was shopping with my father.

He may have been married 25 years, but needs a second opinion when buying a gift. He walks into just about every other shop and asked himself, what would she like from here. And there he'll go on a spree to shop for her. He bought her scarfs, a purse, silver... lots of silver... until I had to tell him to STOP.

it was kinda silly.. kinda sweet. kinda.. OMG don't you know what she likes already?!
but just the same he'll call her every night, they'll catch up on their day.

Chicken a la carte

If you ever watch it..

if you think that kind of life is something very distant and few. I met someone who said, "that could have been me".
How can a picture of children so happy, bring me close to tears.
No, I stand corrected. I did cry.

Life is like my candy mix from Sticky.
Yummy fruity and many a time in big doses,
sickeningly sweet
I enjoy most of it in bit-sized morsels
and once in a while when I'm feeling really deprived
I throw one of those get drunk and wasted parties
but most of the time
I sip and savour the taste of life
even as it jets by at 100 miles an hour
I run my own race

Yea I do agree with Anna, every once in a while I do think of doing more
today I am taking a little breather

relaxing tunch

I realise that everyone has to struggle to get to where they want to go. If not the destination is not savoured as it should. Like when the Laksa gets handed to you, Thank you doesn't cut it. *winks*

I watched as he grapples with the new. The getting to know, the 1101 of introductions and customary courtesies. It's cute to watch, unknow territory in the web of communication called relations. And I'm glad that life seems to be going good for him.

As much as he is unsure about the progression. He knows that he doesn't know. And that really fine by me. Though I do worry, there is no reason to be hasty.

I just know that I had a good time.

when the rules get bent for the screw ups.
In this short life, not only my own
I just simply hope to be considerate.
but when people who bitch slap
and use their ascertions to get their way
it makes me wish caution to the wind
i live by the rules of my fore
and pray their blessings
knowing if I do stand in their way
they in turn will bow in dismay
and look on with concern
worst, retaliate with anger
but today when I asked why there was this double standard
between the rules that are set and its enforcement
I was answered with silence
in this case, fuck the fucking rules
where were my priviledges
why was I reprimanded for doing much less

I fucking need to be a bitch, is that it
then you wont make me do anything
Nothing will upset me, because I don't give a fuck care about you.

How dare you say that its alright,
how dare you say that I am wrong to think this way
when you taught me all that
I hate you
I hate you
and maybe I might be happy now,
maybe I wouldn't have rebelled from everything that I knew
had I known that you don't give a fucking damn what happens.
you just say, and pretend to mean it.

so I watch as brendon gets invited for family dinners
gets to sleep over every weekend
mei get to come and go as she pleases
when the food sucks she's just say, in that case I'll stay out
and when she comes home late, not a word is spoken

call me petty...

but for all these things,
I STILL get scoulded for. STILL... its been happening all my life
and I am fucking not letting it slide.

beauty

to me this is quintessential. It's emotion. Expression, pain and angst. All the things powerful about good chreography. Dance is not about its technicality, but it's expression. I love watching them both.

my thoughts today are of

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more