honesty - the best policy

For a very long time, even now. I get bogged down about how I feel about him. As much as I have gotten over all that I can get over. It sometimes frightens me that I may be broken beyond repair. Yes only Andrew and I know just how broken I was and sometimes momentarily I lose faith that I haven't been mended.

I think many do not understand. But I know that when others look at me, they see right through my facade. That is why I am stuck where I am - in no man's land(pun unintended).

There were times where I lied to him that I didn't want to be with him, just to test if he really wanted to be with me. And there were times that I hurt his feeling and said things that were very selfish just because I could not see pass my own teenage flaws.

I could not go 15 minutes alone in between lectures without dropping him a call. I stopped mingling with people in school because I missed him.

Most of all, I did not have the guts to own up to the fact that he was a part of my life to my family. In the larger scheme of things he remained very much an outsider in my home, when I was included in his. I did not know how to. I had been told that I couldn't and that was how I let it be. I was shit...

There were times that I did not know what to do with myself, because around him I felt like I was a different person, nothing wrong, but I couldn't come to terms with the 2 separate identities that I had forged for myself.

I felt broken.

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thinking back on that I feel a tad silly. its all over now. And sometimes, I laugh at my stupidity. Sometimes I pine for my loss. But then, there was a day that I thought.. what if I was no longer single. Gosh I am gonna miss my freedom to waste my time as I please.

Anyway my point is, that I maybe a pretty decent friend to have around. Be warned I have got issues... baggage..
Be sure that I have been shedding it. I bet there are some stubborn stains that will never get fully removed. But I've admitted to them, which is more than the first steps to getting them ironed out.