Pushing away

Here goes nothing...

To hear one two many times - " I'll love you, for as long as you'll have me."
And yet, never think that that is enough. What is in the name is wrong with YOU?!

I don't have a good answer, yet in that moment it had all seemed logical. I push because I need to know that he'll push back... No one did till you... I still had feelings for them as I walked away, they know too. But the finality of coupledom just has so many connotations to it, some of which I am adverse to, some that over time and with some of my friends' help I am more forgiving or just simply give in too.

Hate to think that in the whole scheme of things I'm might lost in the bigger picture.. I need to know with certainty that you, the person I care about still cares about me not by words alone. Words are cheap. I hate being in a rut, and pushing you(s) away somehow helps me find out where I stand. That I am still wanted. Argh.. I'm beating around the bush... and I don't seem to be making a lot of head way explaining myself...

I push the people I appreaciate, fall for away because... I love and hate to feel vulnerable. The thought of people seeing me vulnerable terrifies me. In fact I keep as far away from them as possible for as long as I can manage.

Argh.. Please let it me make sense! Need to get this all thrashed out and simplified.

THINGS don't get me down...

How strange the week has been...
It been crazy partying.. I need to snap outta this!

Anyhoo..
This week has unfoled to be one realy crappy week..
Firstly I busted my ankle..
I lost my purse..

so not only am I hobbling in pain.. I am utterly broke...

well you would think that I would be miserable...
but.. I'm surprisingly doing Great!
Yes I hobble.. but I feel great!
I lost money.. well there is no need to brood about it...
Got to get my cards replaced... thats a bummer..

It has really got me thinking.. it is a good thing that I am almost numb to this and such things...
what does that REALLY say about me?

i'd like to think that these are just the small things.. that they can heal, get replace and precious time/energy shouldnt go into brooding over it... It was my mistake that resulted in the carelessness. So, mental note Please Be More Mindful of your things. Move on.. Next?! That the better things are worth my time, like experiencing the world or friends and family..

On the other hand to what end? Will I do the same thing come more important things? Am I nonchalant?

These are a few of my favourite things

it is to relish in each moment
like no time has lapse since last
sip coffee and watch the people roll by
let the hours fly
a dance yet no words exchanged
bantering effortlessly
reaching out intuitively
isnt doesnt matter what's said

What makes me happy...
Sunshine. the sea. Nature. the smell of grass after the rain. Friends. My sisters. Cuddles. Pancake Stacks. Roller Coasters. Tougue Twisters. Boardgames. Ball pits. Playgrounds. Bubble baths. Dancing. Playing the piano. recieveing thoughful gifts. Baking bakes. Supper. TV shows. Airplane rides. picnics. watergun fights. bridge nights. Gilmore Girls. Pouting. Being a kid! Peter Pan. Climbing trees. Soup. Crispy sheets. Rapidough. Sneakers. bright colours. Hoodies. IJ. Gymnastics. Julie Andrews. Murder she wrote. Bedknobs and broomsticks. Long Car rides!

There is nothing worst than walking away
Knowing there's much left to be said and done
but I guess its for the best

There is no comforting those teary eyes
Thinking of all the lost hours with you
I cant help but heave a sigh

It just wasnt our time, that life left behind
That moment we had, broken and torn
it's all come to this, and times we have missed
is there anything worth waiting for

When all this is done, the new chapters begun
hope we never look back at our haste
instead laugh and smile in knowing

it is what I draw strength from now that everything has come full circle..

It has taken me this long to come to the realisation that - I had known all along that the answer to all my worries, frustrations and insecurities. That they are and can only be solved by One person.. that is.. ME! That yes.. there will be hard work involved and possibly, from time to time, I would have to pick myself out of the big black hole I call Procrastination. But it had been with me all this while, the key to all my problem! I had been waiting for something big and miraculous to happen, so that I can attribute it to the event... I have waited long enough! the change in my mindset Today shall be my momentous occasion.

I have decided to shop worrying about the what ifs and commit myself to everything whole heartedly. Do something as if my life depended on it...

How I feel now, reminds me of a shepard boy that I read about in a little book that someone had lent to me...and though it was at that time a simple message to appreciate what you had.. Yet this simple message, resonates now more so than ever before to look within for answers.. because you are/ I am stronger than I realise.. than I ever let myself believe..

Now I know better.. thanks to the shepard boy...

I feel so..

I realise the hypocrisy that I torment myself with daily...
For all the horid things that I have done, I have come to terms with it and counted on the power of forgiveness to carry me through the rest of my life, however I do not honour the same priviledge on people that have done like I have. And yet I live the certainly that though I have wronged this life, that all is well, life goes on as it should...

I spend too much time hiding in a hole wondering why other people are happy and its not me. Silly but true. Why do I keep wondering when it is my turn to shine, why is it that I envy everyone around me. At the friends they have, the places they have been and the things that they have done. I have not once stopped to appreciate what I have, the good things that I possess and have donw with my life...

I give myself the lame excuse that I am gawky, misfit.. always uncomfortable, from the outside looking in... But for some reason, secret wish that I was confident, waiting for a good excuse to let me have my turn at confidence. I know that it's all in my head.. and yet sometimes I fail to shake it this feeling that I am cut out to fail..

I worry about many things.. many of which are unlikely to happen, if I did not attract them to me... I commit only enough to not get hurt, but in advertently, from not commiting completely hurt myself... Then I wonder why is it that I did not get the intended outcome..

I am not going to let this happen anymore...
my goal... to be My Best! :)
I'll work hardest.. n We'll see how that goes...

Passage

By NUS Dance Synergy

A Contemporary Dance Concert to celebrate.. 30 years of rhythmic expression

8pm, 6 September 2008
$20, $18, $16

My friends and I have been training tirelessly for the last 3 months in anticipation of this upcoming dance showcase. I have been with Synergy for 2 years now, n though I've been in several of their shows, this one takes the cake.. If there is going to be a performance by us that you must watch, THIS is it! Not only are the pieces more technically challenging, the concert will display Synergy's diverse range of influences and movement. As we will be staging new works, as well as the best of the best pieces from over the years.

I hope all of you will be there, when chreography, costumes, lights, movement and expressions comes together on performance night!


Tickets can be bought at www.sistic.com.sg
Alternatively 20% discount if I bought it in bulk, so let me know before you purchase ticks..

Love.. hold my breath...

i wonder when... if...
I know i dont know anything about falling or if I have fallen..
can't even tell if I need to pick myself up..
wish I knew better..

I look forward to being held..
waking up to a familiar face, a warm embrace
little things like car rides and late night strolls
lying on the trampoline and suppers..
sharing a meal.. watching the sports channel over a pint
to not have to feel alone..
someone who pushes me to do things anew

I guess it'll creep up slowly without me realising
it'll sweeten, like flavouring to tea..
we're all looking for similar things..
we all expect something a little different...

till its my turn.. i'll wait patiently
open palms.. softy sigh...

I solemnly promise to never settle for anything less..

Indonesia

I know I havent even had the time to blog much about my travels.. or as much as I would like..

The last week has been eye opening. For the first time I went backpacking. Rossana and I went from place to place without much prior planning living day by day, only getting accomodation on arrival to our newtown or city. It was by no means an easy task. We under estimated Jogja and Pangandaran, when we got there all the places we asked were fully booked...

I think my highlights were seeing Borobudur,taking the public bus to get there! riding a motorbike with rossana as my pillion( is that even how its spelled?), hiking and swiming in green canyon! learning surfing on the pangandaran beach... eating by the road side in Yogyakarta... there are just too many things...

What made it more special was that we did not plan where to go or what todo till the day itself... how everything fell into place so nicely. And most of all, Rossana n I decided against taking day tours and instead getting to each place ourselves.. This unwittingly led us to a lot of plunders, but also plenty of serendipidious memories, amazing finds and a tonne of money saved!

Like this... we planned to go to borodudur on day 3... we woke up late and after breakfast walked over to the train station to buy tickets to get to pangadaran the following day.. only to find out that the tickets were SOLD OUT! so we opted for bus tickets instead and rushed back to out rooms to check out.. and finally were off to borodudor.. we crammed up on the public bus to the bus terminal to take another bus to borodudor.. mind you that from here on out.. every single bus trip we needed to haggle for a cheaper fare... so getting off the bus we needed to fend out becak driver and figure our way a 500m walk to the entrance of the temple... and that is just too Borobudur.. wait till you hear about getting to Pramanan after that we took a total 6 buses to reach there...!!

i'll tell you more about it soon...