Pushing away

Here goes nothing...

To hear one two many times - " I'll love you, for as long as you'll have me."
And yet, never think that that is enough. What is in the name is wrong with YOU?!

I don't have a good answer, yet in that moment it had all seemed logical. I push because I need to know that he'll push back... No one did till you... I still had feelings for them as I walked away, they know too. But the finality of coupledom just has so many connotations to it, some of which I am adverse to, some that over time and with some of my friends' help I am more forgiving or just simply give in too.

Hate to think that in the whole scheme of things I'm might lost in the bigger picture.. I need to know with certainty that you, the person I care about still cares about me not by words alone. Words are cheap. I hate being in a rut, and pushing you(s) away somehow helps me find out where I stand. That I am still wanted. Argh.. I'm beating around the bush... and I don't seem to be making a lot of head way explaining myself...

I push the people I appreaciate, fall for away because... I love and hate to feel vulnerable. The thought of people seeing me vulnerable terrifies me. In fact I keep as far away from them as possible for as long as I can manage.

Argh.. Please let it me make sense! Need to get this all thrashed out and simplified.