Where?

what am I to say about all the coming and going?
who am I to judge its morality?
Does all that I have done or choose to not do..
put me in a "better place"
what is there left to do?
I stand by and watch... wait...
offer what pitence of comfort and cognition
will I.. her.. they.. them.. him.. ever be in control of it
Life of course
is there really such a thing? Control...
or is that a mental construct?
which is it?
when will it take its place.. its space?
am I deserving?

what a difference a day makes...

one moment it was all brooding,
then seared with eager anticipation
curiousity, uncertainty..
then its all gone
its funny how emotions drives you
steers you, though you thought you were in a rut...

its strange, unsettling, foreign
but for the first time it makes the pain go away
anything to make the pain go away
talking about it gives me pangs...

its feeling better already..
hope it stays that way...

Will it ever feel like home?

By Chantel Kreviazuk

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

Chorus: Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there's light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

-----------------

Is this even real? after hearing all this relationship talk... new love, old love, present, future, holding on to the past. I'd like to think that there is some middle ground an island santuary that I can habitate on in the midst of all that chao.

I won't deny that I do have my fair share of headaches, and pangs..

I just would like someone to tell me with some certainty that there is light at the end of the love tunnel... And if there isnt... why is everyone on this bandwagon? and why am I stuck on it...?\

what ever it is I hope people can shed some light... though I guess it would likely lead to more question...

Eternal Sushine on the Spotless Mind

I watched it yesterday, when I could have oh! so been at dance..
Girls you all are not really at fault... I had no gear!

so I laid listless on the couch DVDing...

and Kate Winslets character says to Jim Carrey... as the last memory of her slowly fades into oblivion...

" it's going to end, what are you going to do?" and after all that running and hiding and trying to find a way around this screwed up situation he replies, " Just enjoy it..."

so simple, so eloquently put....
that is definately a motto to live by

To all the people who do matter.. I hope to see you tomorrow(i mean later today) at Bar One..
If not I still love you nonetheless...

Some people are relegated to averageness...

I know what i'm missing and I don't have the balls to own what is right fully mine.
I think I am crazy.. but I think I'm shy to admit that I have self-esteem.
Somehow admitting it makes me feel like i'm sassy and stuck up.
but funny enough I am always jealous of them.. you know the queen bee types.

Shing and I were watching Wicker Pack yesterday and I saw old Alice as a relection of myself...
i'll see if I can post a picture of her...
she was in a frumpy winter jacket
Her har had grown out of shape...
she was a misfit.. on the outside looking at people and their stupendously perfect lives

I feel, I know just how that feels...

and yet I a part of me wants to embrace that, but everything time I never make it out the door...

I do admit that I have not done anything lately worth mentioning
though I have dreams of grandeur, they are but just dreams...

so this is my advise to myself.. stop wishing... you know what to do..
it has bloody fucking hell got to be done

wip that lazy good for nothing ass into shape..
conquer each hurdle one at the time...
dont get distracted by the mountain ahead..
its the baby steps that matter.. (and again you're right)

i dont believe in this title, and yet I breathe and embody this statment....

I really have to stop wasting my own time...

Its time to dream big, live large, one step at the time...

I was planning my weekend sometime on Friday with Kenneth
and when Kenneth found out that I was meeting him because for only a two hour window..
I had the strangest reply... "Don't need lah" "Some other time"
which was really puzzling cause I usually jam pack my time till its bone dry...

So this week I intend to take it easy...

I guess I can make time for everything... later!!!
This is a whole new concept for me
just staying home and taking it all in
Its funny... I dont spend much time at home considering all that my home has to offer.

So its one of the first times in forever I actually have enough energy to blog on a weekday!! woohoo!

Broken by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you


I never deserved you in the first place, I kept pushing you away
i know that now.. so no regrets
dealing with it
but there are good days and bad...
Wisen up, lighten up
what I have taken away from all this is..
There is no time like the present

Pursuing Happyness

i always thought that in order to grow you needed to push your boundaries...
in order to push your boundaries you need to be outside your comfort zone,
outside your comfort zone you are sad...
and if you are sad you are growing...

It was all a slippery slope..

all this time I was forcing myself to be sad..
Well.. there is no need to pretend anymore. No one is going to penalise me for being happy.

With no more reason to pretend, the vision of my past years has shifted and sifted
I do not know why I kept that up for so long
But now I am to embrace... Happyness
I'm going to egg life on
wait for no one... :) no man..
talk loudly... be bossy.. spend foolishly
I'm going to have the time of my life

Being happy has allowed me the reason to stop day dreaming, to stop pining, fuck hindsight, I've got the rest of my life to get it right!

Welcome!

under the cover, in the pretense of fatigue
I lie await, awake
its like no time has passed
and yet it truly has been a moment of eternity
every breath blowing in and out of consciousness
I lied... I'm tired

the monotony of waking
and snoozing upteened time
i finally make it out alive
only to meet with crowds and sounds
greeted with drear
it the commute of up life
the story to be penned
the etching of my mark on economy
as quickly as I begun
I intend to leave
it has tasted me
and chewed on with its might
might leave

I wonder why I cry sometimes
the type of cries that last only a sneeze
yet heard for miles
maybe I'm naize
this world not all I had built it up to be
but yet again..
how can my mental construct
be so far from the truth
i ponder instead of pod
and reflect what is wrong
I pray that its him and not me
I am not as weak as I have proven to be

there are no words exchanged
a hug
its an evening walking
right in the wrong direction
talking about the world coming to an end
and you smile
in my world there are no words exchange
a kiss
warming my toes as they prance around the room
its not the right time
I just ate, a meal of pie and mushrooms
there is so much music
yet in my world there are no words exchanged

lose the words that complicate my world
toss them and shred them
because they hurt me
crumple them and bash them
because that is all they are deserving
cry over them because they are so hard to give up
yet in all that no words are exchange
there is no more reason to exchange them
they are worthless

It been a long time and even though I'm fucking tired i decided it high time that I blog. I need to vent, I need to rant. There is no better time like now and its by far too short to waste it on vegetating in front of the tele...

Afterall its monday and there is nothing on TV anyway.

I am hopeful for the next month..
I know you must think that I'm a bit bipolar... to think that I am positively glee after writing all that jaber above. but you know what?! I don't give a fuck.

Welcome in!