tell me this??

have you ever? wanted something so bad...
so bad yooou tell yourself you don't need it
so sad that you let it slip away
but you can't help yourself
and wanting it goes against everything
it tears you up inside just thinking
this predicament you are in


please explain to me why people do the things they do
help me see their point of view
rid me of my material posessions
they seem so small from down here
buy me gifts of precious stones
they are but stones right??
and to think it buys their happiness
a crazy thought

have you wondered why you say the things you say?
make a fool of yourself
stumble with each phrase
say things you don't mean
say things that hurts
no one knows but you
and as you quietly retreat
you wonder "why were you so stupid"

i get that all the time
n i dont think i'm normal
but who is?
who sets the standard?

What men really think about SEX... yea rite...?!

it strange how you find beauty in the most unexpected places
esp in a trashy book of this sort..
maybe since i havent completely read the book..
i'm not yet qualified to pass judgement...

but i was moved...

"Every line around this woman's eyes has been put there by experience, experience which she'd give back to you in conversation, in bed, in everything you did together. They made her more attractive, not less, because they showed you that she'd lived, she'd discovered things about the world, she had things to say that would interest you, make you think, make you want to spend time with her. There was depth in her, a capacity to fascinate, which is the sexiest thing i know."

mark mason

my trusty rocking chair

lynn brought up a very good point during my brief chat with her yesterday.. i dont think she realised she even said it.. or more like implied it.. why do i keep this blog? why on earth do i bother...? Is it because i'm looking for answers or screaming for help? I certainly hope not. And if it actually is like i say it is.. a place for me to air my thoughts, then why do i need it online for everyone to see. i've come to realise that my blog is linked to many ppl as are many others.. and i am free to blog surf and "intrude" into their lives. Are there ppl doing that to me as well.. i think i'm plain old boring and there's nothing much to see.. but who knows..? i write sad things not because i'm down with life, i write it cos it gets me thinking. an if i bottle it up inside it'll turn my brain matter to mush. So this has become my little corner where i dump my trash.. tis is not the first time i wonder y i agreed to blog.. i'm glad that i blog.. it has given me a voice and a place to call my own where i diligently write enties and share how i feel. It's been healthy for my emotional well-being.. that i'll prescibe it to any one who needs a listening ear but doesn't really want an audience.

Happy valentine's day

as i look thru the archives of my blog n all my friends blogs.. it helps briing back the memories of 2004 in vivid detail... it makes me cry softly, for last year was certainly a trying year to say the least. but i did grow.. n i count each stumbling block as a blessing.. because it because of each one of those mistakes that i can safely say that i'm the happiest i'vee ever been...

i remember you on both knees, and i remember breaking his heart. "Its too late" i said and i could feel you crumble though u were ever so far away. All i wanted was to hear you say 3 simple words.. but it came oh so late... n i fell for him "while he was sleeping" n the wind whispering ~~ i'm all bout loving you~~ and as you watched the waves crashing again the quay.. i laid (not to far away)on drew's shoulder and for the first time allowed myself to fall..

now a year has gone, and the wounds have healed with time...
but i think some things will never be as they were..

car troubles

i've tried to explain to myself, why is it that i look externally to find comfort and family? That i spread myself too thin by keeping close relations with the people i meet; come to love. Commiting to all of them whole-heartedly even when my body tells me to stop. It starkly contradicts my homely nature and my innate need for alone time. And for first time in 3 weeks i've finally set aside today, to rest my aching self, to spend it at home in the serenity of my nutshell. i am not going out, neither am i opening my home. Just me and all the work that i've neglected : mind, body, soul not to mention.. NUS. then it creeps up from behind me the distant sound. I pray that you'll stop shouting, it feels like u are shouting at me. and all i want is to run away to drew. it was a painful wake up call, a smack in the face.. reality. The picture i've painted so long of us, is a utter fake! fake! and for this 3 weeks i forgot that we were in shambles, but rather the most perfect and role model family anyone could want. All this time i've been running and not looking back. Now the dust has settled and i'm rubbing my watery eyes. To think my vision was all a blur, don't tell me it's my fault? i'm tired of everything especially this.

And so back to the question. My friends are my family and not my family, if you know what i mean. and i've learnt so much from each and every member. Each one has taught me something new, given me a reason to love life more. comapanionship, jesus, cycling, bridge, shopping, food, supper, hexic, movies, coffee, crap, music, sushi, piano, tears, alcohol, dance. for this i'm eternally grateful. I've brought my love for life and need for intimancy back home to my family, but it all has been "too little, too late." and as i ponder my next eternity in this jailhouse, i foresee a sorry future and an expensive retirement home. not for me of course.

second star to the right

i find it strange that i'll never understand the state i'm in, never fully understand myself and the decisions that i make. And with each passing day my bold lines blur into a mesh of swirling colours and all that i stand for crumbles. the walls i've built and the foundation on which it stands staggers under the weight of those decisions. and though its demise might be a welcome sacrifice, demolishing the creed with which i've been moulded leaves me shaking. I fear change and i am left vulnerable to the elements of selfishness and hate. As i become expose to its toxicity i wither away, becomng more down with life, cynical and irked. Why must you change??

i think of you

As i look forward to each brand new day my heart is full of dread. i am remorseful for dissapointing myself time and time again. I guess this is what happens when you lose focus of your goals and priorities... And though i preach this, i fail to practice it. Guess thats kinda crappy. I'm no longer feeling under the weather, jus burnt out and pooped.. so i guess this holiday will do me some good... but there are ppl to visit, things to get done.. bleah.. sometime i jus wish i could hid myself away from the bustle of everything n jus clock some alone time...


and to my pleasant surprise as i open my eyes, i awake with tired eyes to your smile and gentle kiss. And in that moment, everything else disappears from sight and mind. laying silently as the morning sun streams through the shutters, beckoning us to wake. i turn to seek refuge from its blinding light, you in turn take hold of me and keep me in your embrace. Your warmth and tenderness makes me hold my breath for fear it might cease.

As the world around arose i laid softly beside you, my beautiful child. And though the ouside world beckoned, we embraced in shadow. I could spend eternity in this delusion.

its work in progress..
i'm too tired to think..

Scream city

i'm finaally going to blog.. cos i surprisingly feel up to it...
i've been stretching myself pretty thin.. feeling really tired.. bleah its kinda strange... despite i sleeping more than i usually do i'm still feeling really shitty and feeling constantly tired. Somebody pls tell me what the hell is wrong.. argh...

at first i thot its cos i've been going out too often... yup! i'm rarely home by 9. I often end up meeting people for dinner and hanging out.. its hard to say no to friends.. i absolutely lurve spending time catching up, but i have a feeling there's more to this.. i'm really feelin drained and my eating habits have gone all wonky.. not to mention the amount of fluids i've been taking lately.. my body's all hay-wire.. wahaha... i need to get it fixed...

So i'll jump and down till you take notice

I've watched you from a distance, and though i've whisper on my hope and fears, you continue by. I've idled many hours dreaming of your face, stumbling over myself as you walk by brushing pass without a second glance. So i'll jump up and down tilll you take notice.