car troubles

i've tried to explain to myself, why is it that i look externally to find comfort and family? That i spread myself too thin by keeping close relations with the people i meet; come to love. Commiting to all of them whole-heartedly even when my body tells me to stop. It starkly contradicts my homely nature and my innate need for alone time. And for first time in 3 weeks i've finally set aside today, to rest my aching self, to spend it at home in the serenity of my nutshell. i am not going out, neither am i opening my home. Just me and all the work that i've neglected : mind, body, soul not to mention.. NUS. then it creeps up from behind me the distant sound. I pray that you'll stop shouting, it feels like u are shouting at me. and all i want is to run away to drew. it was a painful wake up call, a smack in the face.. reality. The picture i've painted so long of us, is a utter fake! fake! and for this 3 weeks i forgot that we were in shambles, but rather the most perfect and role model family anyone could want. All this time i've been running and not looking back. Now the dust has settled and i'm rubbing my watery eyes. To think my vision was all a blur, don't tell me it's my fault? i'm tired of everything especially this.

And so back to the question. My friends are my family and not my family, if you know what i mean. and i've learnt so much from each and every member. Each one has taught me something new, given me a reason to love life more. comapanionship, jesus, cycling, bridge, shopping, food, supper, hexic, movies, coffee, crap, music, sushi, piano, tears, alcohol, dance. for this i'm eternally grateful. I've brought my love for life and need for intimancy back home to my family, but it all has been "too little, too late." and as i ponder my next eternity in this jailhouse, i foresee a sorry future and an expensive retirement home. not for me of course.