more and more I am realising the shortcoming of my actions and that I take full responsibility for them. I Don't want to make those shortcomings again. They arent mistakes. I would not treat them as such. my new hope is to fervently fall and to be more assertive in what I want and not letting logic trump all my feelings ultimately if I should be so lucky to roll with the punches, listen to my heart, not give into loneliness and be prepared to not always have the answers but believe in my gut. I feel like I owe you more than just my words. I know now that if you gave me more time it would not matter. Some things with us were not meant to be. I tried to ignore them and they festered. I always hoped that you would.. but I know that is not you and how could I ask you to. All I hope is that I stay away and stop taking from you, because I feel like I have taken so much and given so little and yet I feel like I have nothing much of worth to offer you. And that which I gave I gave till it hurt and it hurt so much that I had to walk away. I lay quiet, silent and kept you in the dark. That is the way I shall proceed. I toggle between wanting something new for myself, something better and the strife with my emotions to run, deal with it myself and wallow. I hope for bright and happy and uncomplicated for simple, sweet and maybe the L word. leave it alone its found a home and till its time it'll find you too stay awhile refrain my child and lay with me what is the worst case scenario, can you live with it yes I can and I will bear its consequences

of course I have my doubts that this trip wont fill, its eats at me. But I trust that all will turn out well and that L wont beat me up too much for not filling it up. J and I were discussing what we'll each be doing in 10 years. I imagine myself running by jobs and business traveling and looking after my 2 kids. Adopt I replied. I don't think I want to hope for love. I have been given people who love me, and I truly fear that I have no space in my heart to accept with all my heart and soul. I think though I want someone to take care of me, I doubt that if that day came I wont stop until I put up the good fight. It is my own fault that a smart, capable person like E I let go and hurt. That despite that I allow myself to lean in, and things sometimes feel right I resist and defend my independence. Maybe like Cheryl says, I don't let myself fall. Have that "honeymoon" period, she says I don't gush/I didn't. *shrugs* too much of a realist for that. The feeling and moment has passed. My instinct is to run from being vulnerable. Run from the possibility of getting hurt. Flatlined, no disappointment but also no rewards. give a little take a little let your heart break a little thats the story of, thats the glory of love. I know that I have so much to learn a lot of room to trust and a lot of control to relinquish. baby steps

Today I missed having someone around that I can lean on. I mean sure I could lean on someone now. but I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea. I must be strong and depend on myself. Today I wished that girl with her arms wrapped around her man walking down that airstrip was happy, whole and contented. those images etched into my mind, and hidden on my desktop. I pray that it would be a tipping point that would make me love you in the way fairy tales say love is. But who am I kidding, that "birds will sing" and "walked with you, once upon a dream". I stomp my feet and insist it has to be enough. And by my standards it could be. But you should watch me as I say it. The life sucked outta me. I wanna say, the next time I'm with someone. That he's My man. That I am falling, or have fallen for him. That no matter what everyone else says, I'd stick by him because I feel for him that deeply. I am cautiously hopeful that that might happen to me. Patience is a promise. and I would have to listen and be brave. because I know, that if it were lucky that luck strikes the same place twice, I might be tempted to run for cover for fear it burns like lightning. good night world. hello to a girl to knows what she wants and is patient and tenacious enough to get it.

Why don't I love you, like you so opening love me and when you hold me why do I feel guilt. And all this time I asked for someone just like you. I think its the world's way of saying that I'm a fool. I want to give you all of me and yet fears and jeers make me flee. All I wished for, hoped and dream. Leaning in and in betweens. I walked that path with you arms embraces and interlaced, but yet in all this my woes abound that I can't love you the way you deserve. I no longer can tell if its because I can't or don't want or do but allow not. Wishful thinking for wholeness and cause for celebration. But all I end up doing is tear and fear and I find myself pushing you away. So far away so that I can feel safe. But alone. I wish that safety does not mean that I have to be alone. I wished that I fully understand and feel comforted by trust and belonging. That security is not something that will constantly keep me on my toes. I hope that I will hold on tight and never let go. That I would not wonder or get flustered by what others think of me. And roll and lean as the breeze bends the trees. And no matter what be planted firmly to the ground and know that no one can ever take that away. And even if they try or they accidentally unearth your vulnerabilities tell them, stand your ground and let them come to you. I promised E that I will deal with all of me, the running away and not being able to commit. This is not the first time, but it will be the last. I need to listen to my heart and not my head.

in the last 2 weeks I have see-sawed back and forth mulling over if I can disappoint this person who has showered me with so much love. any I couldn't agree more, he describes me as conflicted. Depending on the time of day or who I spoke to my answer to him shifted or backtracked. The truth is, if it is build on sand then, this relationship I mean, then its not meant to be. And I have to stick to my guns and rip off the bandaid. It will probably sting but it is for the best.