of course I have my doubts that this trip wont fill, its eats at me. But I trust that all will turn out well and that L wont beat me up too much for not filling it up. J and I were discussing what we'll each be doing in 10 years. I imagine myself running by jobs and business traveling and looking after my 2 kids. Adopt I replied. I don't think I want to hope for love. I have been given people who love me, and I truly fear that I have no space in my heart to accept with all my heart and soul. I think though I want someone to take care of me, I doubt that if that day came I wont stop until I put up the good fight. It is my own fault that a smart, capable person like E I let go and hurt. That despite that I allow myself to lean in, and things sometimes feel right I resist and defend my independence. Maybe like Cheryl says, I don't let myself fall. Have that "honeymoon" period, she says I don't gush/I didn't. *shrugs* too much of a realist for that. The feeling and moment has passed. My instinct is to run from being vulnerable. Run from the possibility of getting hurt. Flatlined, no disappointment but also no rewards. give a little take a little let your heart break a little thats the story of, thats the glory of love. I know that I have so much to learn a lot of room to trust and a lot of control to relinquish. baby steps