I often question myself if I am in the right profession. It's almost a vocation. I love it, its unpredictability, its flexi hours, the people. And for many of the same reasons, sometimes these things become the bane of my existence.

All in all I would have it no other way.

today I ran around town with fel. A 7km run.. Against my better judgement. Of course I do feel a sense of accomplishment now that it is done and I also got to see a different side of Singapore by venturing around on foot.

there were so many times that I tried to give up, but Fel wont have it. She'll run circles around me until I picked up the pace or jogged on the spot until I caught up. I am in awe. Thank you babe!!!

My goal for the year is the half marathon. And for now to run the 7km without stopping. She's my role model.. her mantra "just keep swimming"..

there is nothing wrong with wanting a stable relationship. But it doesn't mean that it is to be one sided. In the future, when I see a problem. The solution is not to anticipate that it will fail, but to allow it to play out. And at that juncture, to talk/work it out.

Its silly that I talk about it not, it might be ages before I'd have to use it. But this is way more sensible than how I've been lately.. blame it on the junk food...

i'd be honest, and tell you that I have been very fussy about the people I would like to date, till it came to a point where I can't really give a shit. And either way, I have people coming up to me saying what I should and should not do. I know that I have made mistakes in my past and those were my mistakes and thus having to live with them have been trying to say the least. Now on top of grieving over those bad choices, I often live with the what ifs. I know that when I think ahead of time, in anticipation of the problems, it to prevent me from hurting. But I am a point where I feel so numb, devoid of regular emotions that fucked up is pretty damn good an emotion to feel. Well, at least you are feeling right. Its working. My heart.. its still there. However those, battered, bruised. But still there.

So instead of being guarded, I figure,roll with the punches, but that aint right either I suppose. Because I think if I continue with that I am going to fucking get into too much dirt I do not really want to deal with. Then where does that leave me? somewhere in the inbetween I suppose.

You know, those stories that you'll know it when you see, hear, feel it.. they are all bullshit. And I believe that people can smell a nut case from miles away.

All I like, is 3 days where I do not feel like I am on the verge of tears. 3 days that the sun shines, the day doesnt have to go perfect. but things work out for the best and maybe the underdog get to taste sweet victory.

my victry today is that I no longer miss anyone, my victory is that today i know who my friends are, my victory today is that i take care of myself and support is always readily available.

little by little..

the psychology experiement

Anhong yesterday was talking about positive psychology. The task is, what if you were your best self, what would you be doing and what do you see for yourself..

Hmm...

Definately get in shape.. run, pilates, dance
Smart and intelligent.. read widely, pick up a series of new skills like speaking impeccable Mandarin, cook, design, pop piano. Clear up my complexion. Smile more, train like I lead camps and inspire people in the most random of manners. Get my own place, studio apartment. Minimalist/Zen. Travel. Central Asia - Bhutan, Nepal, Tibet, Khasmir. After that a Europe backpack thing. Someone to share my life with. And of course be open to it. Start a business. Wedding planning.. the irony is that I personally do not believe in the legality of marriage. I just like the exuberance of it all. I'd have crisp sheets on my bed, the energy to go running 5ks every morning. The know how to buy stocks. I'll be studying to be a dietician. Doing charity work twice a year. And despite the dreams of grandeur, evening gowns and champagne toasting, high heels and vidal sasoon hair.. at the end of the day, I think the place i'd like to be the most it lying on the couch with my special someone, sipping coffee idling the time away.

With all the things going on around me, connection is fleeting. And for many reasons its my own unravelling that makes everything into one big muddle. Its hope that grow the possibilities and the make belief that things will fall so aptly in place. Then in comes the cynic with the scowl tearing apart the delicate lace.

I'm fumbles, I'm crumbling
and the world wont hold much longer
because stand here and holding it all together
has taken its toil on my buckling knees and heavy heart
I look back at you and see the ravages of time
a person that no one cares about, except for Hi's and Bye's
It's not like you're lost, you never wonder far
yet no one know you, the heart you let slide
you souless, shell of a person

its once again, I ask myself what did I do to have a week like this happen to me. So many ups and downs. It's all catching up with me.

I do not know who I am anymore, what I want, nor what I am good at. All I know, that this sucks and anywhere far from here is best. If you count the crappy years.. this one is .. and I am guessing is likely to be one.. but from those crappy year came really wonderful things.. an angel, a dream job and this year.. who knows.. I know that if I have to go through all these things to get that magic at the end.. then maybe I should stick around yea.

Today I wish I could call Perth and go watch a movie, any movie really.. but oh well..


the million dollar questions

how do you know you like someone...
what would you do, now knowing that you did like this person
and if you answered "I don't know" and "nothing" for both questions, does it really mean that you are going to live a lonely existent with 20 cats, a pair of knitting needles and a trusty rocking chair.

Because if it is, then you can cut the long story short, but me a wig, pull out all my teeth and put me on a semi-solid diet for the rest of my life.

this is how it feels like to hit a low. and gosh it hurts. It cuts deep. And I pray that I hold fast the courage to only get stronger.

Today has really help me realise how AWESOMELY great my friends are. I love each of them dearly.

This is it. This is war, to wow them all.. :)

What was said really hurt me, in fact even half of what they'd said would have hurt.. but at least, they were honest and I will never let this happen again

It gets better from here, its time to hone my craft.