who my friends are..

you know it takes a great friend to
tell you the honest truth
that you havent been spending enough time
and why
that I havent answered when I was needed
it was really hard to hear that I havent been
pushing to meet up
but it was also very hard warming to hear
I PROMISE TO..

so we went to to stacey's house after the gala
sorry if i wasnt a good guest, i fell asleep
but on the way out of the carpark
we were talking about suppers
or the lack there off
and we concluded with a heated conversation
of faults, but in a blink
we're still friends
and more so than 2 minutes before


2 days before that
I had a steamboat dinner at home
and for the first time in at least a year
we all met up under one roof
we are back with a vengence
I miss all the trips to upper pierce
and KFC and

every moment of that evening was so intense
the night passed so fast
even though I was savouring every second
i have a montage of photos that I have to keep for the next 6 month
that is going to remind of all the times we've had

like I told my mom earlier on in the day when we went to buy food
the food is secondary to the company

that was the best present ever..

its a new beginning...

i am stepping away from my comfort zone, I am turning to the past. I am hopefully looking ahead and thankfully home at last. Andrew never fails to remind he, and thank god for him that I have so many people who love me and that I can depend on. I am in a place of serenity, but not at a destination.

Camp today is camp, throwing me the oh so expected curve ball, the pattern in my life. But I will not back down, I'm here to face my demons head on, head strong. I really want to see them through, afterall who know how many camps I have left in me? cos I feel that it is all draining away. I feel that I never left, I feel that I loss everything that i knew. Yet I am jaded, sadden that I cant do the things that others do.

so i think..

I was walking home yesterday after a afternoon of eragon and KFC with Andrew

I planned to walk home but it ended up with my talking the bus 2 stops away because of the rain.
thinking to myself am I asking myself the right questions, am I really empowering my own life. I realise that maybe when it comes to love I shouldn't ask if you love, or will it last. Instead I should be asking will you be heading this way? I mean is your life heading in the same direction as mine, cos if it is I sure as hell would love the company. I think living alone without my parents at home just Tim has really helped put things into perspective.

In the morning I went to the library, then ate lunch and then to courts to checkout if their promotions were everything they said it ought to be. well it was really lonely, food for one. I realise that I have always been thinking for everyone can't help it. It is in my programming to do as such that thinking buying deciding for just one is so dismal.

anyway back to the point, I think that is the more important question to ask. I mean why be travel buddy if he is not going your way. Its inconvenient, not to mention not very smart.

so what does this do for me this blogger beta?

anyway i'm back from SYDNEY...

I had so much fun there didnt really want i to end.
It was probably one of the most relaxing trips I've taken not to mention that the family only had 1 majar quarrrel throughout the entire thing. Only one which is such a great feet. Sydney has so many facets its really cool to see so many things happening in one place.

I went sandboarding at the dunes, snorkelling at the bay, too bad I wasnt up for surfing. they a cosy weekend in the mountains in our quaint little cottage. I can rage about that cottage for hours. the view from the lookouts are spectacular, it looks out into the valley. Rounded up with cycling at the olympic park and a ginormous shopping binge.

with my family I had dinner at Doyles, we had a spectacular view of the Sydney opera house and the Harbour bridge from our table, with my father we shared a morning walk/adventure to the 7-11 to get yogurt. With mommy I went with her to china town to buy charsiew for dinner in the evening cold. With zhen zhen I splurged on what the sales girl at COTTON ON called a shopping Spree and we also took a late night monorail ride around the city to see the sites. With Tim we explored the entire Olympic park in the 36 degree heat. And with little PingEn she shared with me a good elbowing and a nice heated bed where I tickled her every morning to koaks her up for breakfast.

On the way home My family bought 120 krispy kreme doughnuts.. I know i know we over did it.. but tell that to the ground staff, air stedwardess and passengers who cooed at the sight of doughnuts.. 10 dozen doughnuts is seriously no joke.

i'm bipolar

I am trying to explain how I feel

I am sorry if you don't understand

dinner was crappy, so much so that We had a free dinner
but its so flatline that I feel crappy, no diffence that it was free

just feel flatline for now
the exams are tomorrow and I dont know shit
i cant get anything done right
I feel useles like how I feel all the time
like the time I turned into this stupid road with a car blocking
and It frustrated me until I cried
I feel like that, useless good for nothing
not amounting to much

I am willing to just go to sleep now with nothing prepared cause I feel that that is all I am worth right now.
so thanks for saying that I'm throwing a trantrum.
cause there is nothing wrong but myself.
i feel worst
just leave me here to die