When she Loved me

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
...

And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me

When she loved me

in Exile for a week

i'm going to Ophir for the rest of the week dun miss me too much yea..

left myself hanging
and very alone
though i think it may be worth the wait
i cant understand
cos there's nothing to
i just want to run
run to where i do not know
jus run away
where to, where from
all i know is nothing
i'm just left hanging

more than words

have you ever felt like things were so perfect but not a perfect fit for you that everything was laid out for the taking but it was not for you. and though you tried and tossed and turned somehow you your mind wonders of to other places and other worlds and then you find out that being here is where you want to be but there's still something missing. I am at a lost as to what it is? or how do i get it, whether i love it or hate it. whether being forsaken is what i want when all i feel now is warmth, comfort and gradtitude for where destiny has placed me in my fish bowl of existance. maybe i'm making all this up in my head.. i think its very possible, cos like someoneonce told me, i too don't do happy contrary to everything i feel at this very moment. you can tell that i'm one confused gal.

some things i'll never admit too, some thing are better left unsaid.. but i think these are the things that will come back to haunt me, they always come back, always. everytime i thinki can manage it.. compartmentalise it.. but then there is love me if you dare.. and i don't know where to put myself because i dont think i fit..

you think you always know

I painted a perfect image of your reflection, and assumed that what you protrayed was true. The more i inched my way to you the further you withdrew into you shell. I could not understand why you were relegated to the outter rims, the only thing that i felt was certain that you did not fit in. You moulded your face to fit the crowd i'm disappointed. Have you not learnt that you've hurt me. The more you pondered the harder you tried to change the way you look, but i thought you always knew the way to go was to be true. It finally dawned on me that to be true, is to be true you to my friend not to anyone or anything else.

I've been talking to many people, praying during retreat.. listening alot too..n casual conversations.. one thing i realise that that the underlying themes of all those conversations are self-worth and truth..truth of character.. is what you show on the outside what it is on the inside.

i know you would think i know all that already.. but a light bulb just went off in my head... i am overly influenced by what other people think.. i know it might not seem big to you anhong..but thanks for joining the dots for me... just now when you were talking about ear piercings... i realise that i dont want a couple more... but just 1... for the first time i was FULLY aware of what I wanted.. and not what i thought would make me "cool" in absence of a better word.

thanks to fel too on giving me advise to fend on a particularly " difficult" situation.. mom has told me time and time that if it upsets you so much just not bother about it. i think i should huh? its difficault to say not.. especially when its with someone who doesnt take no for an answer.

i shall put my foot down.

calling my 28th SC

i havent seen you guys in awhile so was wondering if you guys are free either tmr or on monday...

i know its rather short notice..

but i'm out of ideas on where to eat!!!

i was thinking steam boat?? but i think thats messy..

how bout a buffet...?

i'm not sure... rarh...

if anyone has a beter idea..
pls give me a holler.
some light on the situation would be most helpful..

keehee.. i cant wait to see you guys n gals..!!

update!

i was suppose to blog something before i left for camp but i'veseem tohave forgotten what it is... so aniwae update!!

what have i been up to?

well..

i'm at camp well came back to run an errand
will be heading back to st. teresa's at 6

i've learnt about reaching out about loneliness.. things that i've knownfor very long.. but i guess it was just reassusrance that i wasn't alone so i think that felt really good. there was smothing Jolene said that really struck raw nerve.. that it is easy to do things with your group of close friends n "tighten the slack" n leave the people hanging at the fringes

i think that everyone feels alone more often then they admit... i realise that i'm NORMAL!! n what i feel is just like what others feel n that i shouldn't be over paranoid

well before the retreat i was went to berkelah waterfalls..my second time.. opps third there.. a placce in Kuantan.. i lurve iteven more than my first visit... i really enjoyed myself... swimming in icy water, jumping off the cliff.. the rain.. laying on the boulder watching the clouds without a care in the world...

i think the only think that could have made the days more pleasurable is if drew was there to share it with me.. well.. there'll be other times...

exams have been over for 20 days the activities above took up 8 of those days.. i strangely do not know what i did with those other days... what i do know is i'm in need of a break from myself... i seem to pack my days with too many things..


i just came back from the IJ homes concert.. it was funcky.. a family event.. small n sweet.. truly enjoyed myself.. sorry Allan and the CAC facils that i couldn't make it for the outing.. but this was more important.. i saw Ms. Tan she's getting me to go for the concery this thursday.. I WANNA GO!! but i got to work.. so what do i do? i'll try n see if i can skip the training... which i highly doubt... OH! guess who i sat next too.. actually to be more accurate its next next to... hehe... Sr. Pat.. S.M.L. graced the occasion.. not that i know her... n Eunice Olsen.. Leandre sang.. she's real good yea.. ROCKED the HOUSE!

i met the AKLTG peeps for dinner n to catch up on Wednesday... i think we took over Thai Express.. i haven'tseen peeps like Eugene, Ping, Cutie Pie in such a long time!! boy oh by.. did i have fun... it's been over a year since we met at pioneer .. gosh how time flies.... it was one of those times when you can just let your hair down n just hang.. hehe... the stuff at we did at the esplanade was really silly.. then we went to carol's place to say HI! havent seen her since she left for canada... we premiered "tough love" i think it was pretty good.. its got potential.. then we were suppose to go eat CHEESECAKE! but we went too late.. so in the end we squashed into Weoi Tang's car n went crazy at ECP Macs till almost 2...

yup... that''s basically what i've ben up to since the exams... nuthin much..not yet... hehe... cya ard!

flipside

have you ever wondered..
i mean just wondered, all hypothetical
what it is like to live on greener pastures
where the food is chopped to your fancy
and the putrid smell of imcompetence
is a sight unseen
well i think that would be awfully dandy
don't you suppose
but i guess i need to ask
at what cost?
it is worth my tears and sore feet
or fill my empty head
with whimsical thoughts
of clowns and waterfalls
will me jump to my death in a splash
and smile as the wind whistles

if i could just get my thought
through a steam roller
maybe i'll be able to swallow with ease
but now the wires are all in tangles
and not surprisingly lacking room to breathe
haha.. when the golden river meet the
blue mountain and the cranes kiss the sun
for heavens sake just get a move on
and help sort the puzzle

i'm filthy and crippled though blessed with
a roof over my head food on the table
tired but loved and yet have no one to turn to
its smells like prickly heat, fear
rain and fleshly cut grass are passtimes of mine
not to mention that i'm a professional contortionist
in a word pilate doing the floating lotus
to in the same moment hate, yet thoroghly enjoy his company
laugh with tears of deceit and desperation as
a relay my saleswomen tactics tomy siser dearest

a quater for a palete, a penny for my disgusting thots
its somewhat beyond my comprehension
how this all came to be
good night sleep tight

dun speak to me, i'm not in the mood for small talk.

have you been so self assured about one thing
then something small happens and puts everything into perspective?
well god seem to speak to me in everything that i do
it's kinda annoying that i cant seem to find an ultimante truth

i've been thinking back on this blog a lot..
and goh i think it has stuck by me through a lot of tough times
but i've seemed to have outgrown it

there are too many things i wish to say
and i'm betting the internet is probbly not the best place to air all those thots
so fuck this blog.. i'm shifting...

i'll still update this from time to time..
but don't expect to find anything juicy..
dun expect anything.

maybe i just need to clear my thoughts, honestly dun noe if there's anything wrong with me at all.. just making something out of nothing.