drew and I have been through so much and though we are busy with our own lives. He still makes time for me and I for him.
i'm so glad that he's still holding on to me. thanks dear.

Suffering from depression

When I drove home last week someone horned at me, it was a mistake on my part. I was too busy singing along to the radio to check my blindspot. But as I made my way home I began to cry because I was so defeated by the fact that I am a bad driver that I shouldnt be on the roads at all.

Its just one of the times that I feel defeated and that life is not worth living.

I don't want to feel that way, but I do. I cry just like that.

then I feel really numb, I like numb
like you're too high to care
just staring blankly

i think andrew gets the brunt of it
its my i'm not worth anything just dump me speech
I'm sorry that I cant help myself
i hate being controlled by it

it makes me what to be ugly, get fat
pig out, hurt myself, starve for attention

i think that there are many things that are important in my life.. today friends rang out as 1

keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure.
So I followed where the path took me
only to be betrayed by the sun
the same sun that guided me through the twilight of yesterday

today marked the beginning of betrayal against myself
for something I don't know
am not sure
I'm angry that I don't know that I can't say no

I'm sorry I couldnt speak up for you
I'm sorry

to marks the end of my longing
I want to hurt myself
but cant speak
I know that no one is watching

I hate this entry Its not capturing what i'm trying to say
it means to say FUCK
I hate myself
I hate being depressed
fel I had a wonderful day today
that out of all the things in the world I cant believe that I got suckered into this

that I'm hurt
that I feel lost, betrayed , taken to the pits and back
I hate that I'mnot good enough
that I have to prove my worth

that all i'm amounting to is a lump of lissless flesh
that I hurt cause I feel used
and that I am not comfortable to say why

Year 3 sem 2

I'm into my last semester of my life studying life. and boy how everything is moving so fast. Not only moving so fast changing... new opportunities are opening for me, and others are closing its doors. I guest its time. It suddenly dawned on me that when bernicecomes back I would be working and earning my own keep.

There are so many things I want to do right, so many ways I could screw up. I guess that not the most positive thing I could say but now looking ahead its so daunting. I have to work, I still want to travel back pack through central asia, I want to keep dancing. And like at AK "I want" so now I have to work hard take action to make sure all these come through for myself.

so big world out there.. bring it on..

haha.. sounds so cheesey..

Something good

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somwhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good


I cant think of a better way to put it then this, maybe this is it for me.