to you..

I'm suppose to write something happy after my lousy day.. andrew put me up to it, so just like he humored me this afternoon, I shall return him the favour.

I've been with andrew a long time, and today out of the last 830 days that I've told him I love him I especially appreciate him. Today was a shit day for me, and though it was selfsh of me I dragged him along for the painful ride. He was forced into meeting me, and watching me eat lunch at 4pm, he ate because me knew I wanted the company, chose the resturant becaused I like it. wanted to order food to cheer me up.

He waited for me to hold his hand and not the other way, and didnt dare kiss me even though he was probably might hav. He put up with my whining and my incessant complaining and my evil plot to roast my ilp kids for supper. He listened to all that.

to the outsider looking in, you might think nothing much for my rambling
but it sure took both of us a hell of a lot to reach this point.

Thank you baby.

XXX

I've watched tonnes of shows about teenage pregnancies, out of all this one really hit a nerve. I felt it was very real, everything they portray is to a T. packaged my with angst and emotion and a pinch of tragedy.

I am sucked into this world, my world where sex is the main ingredient to every facet of life. Its in the music, in the ads, on TV. And if you don't get in on it, you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. You can hang with the rift raft of society.

Then I wonder, I have plenty of role model to tell me "this is how it's done" or in contexts how its NOT. don't get pregnant, lay off it till you're older. But there is no one here to show me or the tonnes of others like me how it is to act. I have No role models. Are there even alternatives to sexual activity. No one.

They just say it is wrong, but they don't tell you HOW to do right.
It is the only form of expression that I watch All the time in the media

Its the only form of disgust I feel when watch kanye on MTV, or when a girl walks by in an A4 skirt.
This filth is self inflicked, I am torn between flirting with evil and the other side
Its called the other side because I do not know what to call it, I don' even know it exist.
the fairy tale side of the love story.

I want to know if there is any ground that we walk on that does not involve sexually motivated actions
that being a youth is not only about the hook ups and the scores
if relationship are all they are cut out to be
and life from my eyes is wrong, and that what I've been looking at is everything in 2D

I want to know that like my man, not all men are scum
that its okay not to have sex, and if it is where does that leave an adolescent relationship
if there is an option that all of us youth of this generation do not know about
that you, our parents are keeping mum about
cos you sure as hell do not know what goes on behind our closed doors
loud music, skimpy clothes

I think tht for along time i've struggled to comprehend the vocabulary anomaly: LOVE. As I read Piccolt i'm present to the story of my past a bittersweet end to a wonderful chocolate centre. I'm eager to find out how the story ends. I imagine that delia and I are one and the same, yet I dare to admit it out loud.

I think back on these years and I feel it all slowly slipping away, I need to let go. Honest to goodness, I don't want to not because I believe it can return to the way it was. Cos I'll make sure that never happens, but because it was too good to be wasted away or to lose hold of. like my worn out Tee.. out of style, but still in tune with my heart.

I think of bus rides and tears, I think of love notes and night skies, All i remember now that is was such a long time ago. How I don't want to let go, and how I must move on. How I want to let go for all the right reasons but I still grip tightly to them like I did my baby bloster..

The amazing race

Since i've got sometime to kill and my nerves are a wreck.. i thot i'll blog and tell everyone about how my week has been going...

Well Saturday was cool... I had to baby sit..(well its for charity, and i had bulk loads of fun) Jamal, Hakim, Zaiharudin and Iram are so cool I often forget they are a meer 13 years old...
We ran around singapore, I had a brief lesson in sign! I'm psyched to learn more, the organisers were crap if they had their way i would have eaten lunch at 4pm..

I've been spending a lot of time driving the last week.. my test is later.. I dont need luck... Luck is.. preparation meeting opportunity..

I'm preped.. I really need this license.. its a must.

If you don't know already, I'm working at the Learning centre.. that is near Chang Yi's place, yup bernice.. its the place with the great ice-cream...

me..hehe.. if only mr. tan could hear this.. I'm teaching sec. 4 emaths... 2 students right now... i rather enjoy it actually.. it beats REAL working...

Other then that... I've been spending a lot of time with drew.. thanks baby for putting up with my crap.. thinking about it.. I'm surprised that you remain so level headed... I want to thank you especially for this week, its been real special.