mindlessness

I don't really know what i'm doing...
and i guess others can sense that too.
though i hurt from time to time
lord i pray i am able to hold the weight
i wonder why and though i pretend
i don't think i can fool everyone for long
realising that i really don't amount to much
i guess its nothing new,
but hearing it and its pressure isn't helping too

i've walked along side many
but not one beside me too
a barrier holds us apart
a mental block of epic proportion
its collecting dust on my cheek
it makes my spine twist in horror
i guess its nothing new
the pressure ain't helping too

i'm past my prime, i'm brimming youth
out comes the scapel, out falls my tooth
my body aches, my spirit weary
my soul lost in mindless query
confront regret
comfort my pleas
encourage the scorn of jealousy
i guess its true, its nothing new
but the pressure is not helping too...

i've stared out past the rows of lamps
into the cloudy night sky,
it makes me cry, would i rather die?
i'm tired,oh God what have i gotten into?

coming to terms...

I am 11, and at that age where there’s no mountain too high and I look back on make belief with such distaste. It’s a school night- a rare treat. Mom has taken us to the game arcade, its bustling with activity, everyone is so caught up in play. I trail behind my papa; I want my space. My family is three steps ahead of me, barely cause for worry, I’ll find them later. As I glance about, the crowd clears, only two scruffy grown men walking in my direction. Arms shoulder to shoulder they casually stride towards me, I feel uneasy, but to them I am invisible. His body brushes pass my tiny frame, he swings his hand down and digs his fingers into my skin and I shrink back in shock. I turned to see a smirk on his face, I’m powerless, as I force a glare. They continue on proud, accomplished slapping their backs as they walk out of sight. I am still there, where it happened in the same T-shirt that i wore that night. I remember what I wore, where i stood. The lost of control, feeling so alone; daddy’s hand beyond my reach. Did what just happen amount to anything? Do I tell daddy, would he believe me? What will he think? It lasted but only for a moment, he only touched me. I have no evidence but my brokeness. That moment, frozen in a time, which I relive from time to time.


I've waited a long time for this...

rub me the wrong way

i think i'm getting too sensitive to what you say
because i get mad everytime
do you assume i'm some idiot
or jus a tool in your damage control
i'm not so adolescent with no ideas of my own
i know what you are up to,
you are using me.
don't fucking demand me around
what do you take me for free labour
just get the hell lost.
so don't come begging
don't bother pretending to be all giddy
don't mock my quotient

you have no place here.