I feel so dumb. That I have no courage to say what's truly on my mind. I hear people judging me all the time. I imagine the rejection and the embarrassment, especially the lost and I get the sense that I am too stupid dumb naive to ever be happy with what I have. I promise to chase the rainbow with all my heart, that its about making the tough call because they may give you the heartbreaks but also the return that leave you smiling from ear to ear.

In this moment, all things feel like they lead back to you. More than I care to admit you have in that very short time made a deep, odd, fulfilling impact in my life. One that I have and still is unable to accept, pushed away, feared. I know giving more time and leaning in would have totally made me fall. I would have been settled. I'm not sure if I would have been happy. I was happy from time to time. How could that not been good enough

I come to you for solace, a rebel with a cause. An aching feeling of longing, a wish, a hope a clause. I miss and yearn but know not what a time so long a distant forgotten. A worry that when and if I do possess that I may run and wilt and asunder. I seek an expectation, on that I think I may not attain, and in this I leave so lonely so lost but who is to blame. Today i'm feeling that I could never be happy in a relationship, I do not know how without feeling like I would disappoint my parents. I have made so many mistakes that I think that it I feel I can never ever come back from this. I mean E more than anybody I have ever met checks all my boxes and adores me. And despite that something so small trips me up and send me packing. I ought to be punished with loneliness for the rest of my life. I get moments where I think that if I spent my life with E that maybe that would be enough. You know out of all the photos I'd pick that one both sullen and that mark my feelings for him. Muted, understated, content. long walks, museums and dances, comedies and plays,travel and knowledge. Cuddles. Urgh how I hate myself when I get this feeling that why can't I be content.