i dont remember what I was doing or who was I with. But the other day I promised.. Promised long and hard.. Ahh.. I remember now. that I will not wait for others or be the second rate citizen in their mind.

today someone did something really nice a big change from the grudgery that I experience.

it was simple, unexpected and my heart skipped a beat. I know people do nice thing for me ALL the time. this was simply unexpected.

so happy to be here to realign. its hard because i sometimes linger on the past. I know what to do and how. And I am jumping at the chance to show you.

In short, seem more helpless, be more reliant and want to be taken cared of. That's how you get a boyfriend, blurted.

I walked away from those traits, promising never to lose myself when in the presence of another. To rely on what I know as true and secure and to first and foremost be my own person. And am I willing to give this up? Should it need to be a sacrifice to be with someone?

Don't I deserve to be happy? Ain't I already?

Then why should this matter? Does it matter at all? And If it doesn't matter, should I be worried about that? That unlike other I am not placing as much importance, prudence and urgency.

After getting my share of comments and torments this last couple. I think with fair certainty, I am destined. fated. relegated. thrust. left. predisposed. to walk this way alone.

Argh.. stop it with the alone thing. you aren't alone. you've got your people..

And when the dust is kicked up and the party is in a bustle, its happened before, left to fend. Twiddling, loitering and quick! act busy, like you just don't give a damn.

I would like to be fussed over and taken care of. I could easily do it myself, and I won't admit I'd like for you to do it. I've got pride too.


today I wrestle with the differing dichotomies
pride and prissy dreams
stacked of ideas and notions
and buckets of tears and commotions
warm hugs and tender kisses
they are little, but figments and empty
and though it would, easy nor right