its a desert here...

I wonder why i have to coax myself to do things that I tell myself i do not want to do, or have anything to do with anymore. I'm crying inside each time I make the same mistake. Maybe I'm just a polarity responder, I know I am. why and how did i make something so simple, so painful so heart wrenching so torn. I've created a monster of myself, trapped in this ficticious lifestyle that i want to have. Me happy, perfect? Each time i walk away I want to die, look what you have done. torn urself to shred, food for the dogs.

I can't decide what i want to do with myself or the joy that has been in my life. Maybe I should accept it, take it at face value. Smile the smile of a lifetime. Keep telling myself until something goes totally wrong and we turn to hate each other... Honestly I don't know which is worst. I don't think I can do anything without making him hurt. I can't hurt him. Contemplating this make me want to lash out in tears, how can something so special be not what i want. but that is just it.

Everything is starting to crumple before my very eyes. Do i let go of someone's dream. Is it the right, selfish thing to do? I just wish there was an easy answer, an even if there was, i probably don't want to hear it. I'm kinda numb. I'm reaching, all i grab at is straw. I'm falling.

I want to run, but to where. I promise to never leave, maybe that is what i have to do. No more empty promises.

I'm dying inside knowing that having read this you are going to hurt, I'm hurting. and i may never know how you feel.. I feel terrible. I love you.. which is everything of the nothing that i understand.