I can't trust men.

I've always wondered why I put up this front. I know that I had an exam this morning so why was I watching TV well past 2am this morning? But it got me thinking that what I do now is probably due to my dreaded past.

I realise that I fight Love. I want it but don't and when I have it I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I don't need it. Ultimately I couldn't live without it and yet I have little or no valid reasons for my action. Drew i'm sorry for all your heartache.

I fight to be in control of everything and when push comes to shove, I crumble under under the pressure and feel being controled is all I'm deserving of. I'm such a hypocrite for wanting to be independent and turn the other cheek and allow myself to give in to things I really don't want to be done to me.

I figure I should take it, cos its part of the bargain. I have a voice, but a voice for all the wrong reasons. Its no ones fault but mine that I let someone a long time ago mess with my head. He met me for but a second. But in that second, he thought me that men get what they want when they want it. I'm here to serve that want nothing more. Power is the name of the game, that is why I need to be on top of things, but if you peeled off that crusty exterior you find someone who finds it impossibly hard to trust men. That believes that if you were with someone, you belong to that person. He is in control. and I don't ever want that.

They are scum that is fleeting that they are here till the novelty wears off and then they'll move on to new cows. They have no need to be monogomous and WILL no matter how great they are, suffer the occasional slip up. That's why I figure that don't get married, that way you'll never get hurt, they wont panic and flee at the sound of wedding bell.. white gowns and diamond rings are over rated.

I'm crying now, I really don't know why. That was a long time ago.

I always thought of rape as girl abducted dragged to the bushes and the asshole did her like a piece of meat. And that molestation is done by bastards behind closed doors.

I now know that seduction is a form of rape, love is bunch of lies and deception so that men can get in your pants. I know that you can be groped in public and at 11 you feel vulnerable, lost because you don't know if what just happened amounted to anythings. Even daddy didn't see he was right there.

Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. That he ddn't mean to do wht he did. I like to think that he meant, that way I can keep hating him, living the way I do.