Sheila Rae

without expectation, there would be no disappointment
I don't know what hurts more, the long hours that I spent strapped to the machines
the many moments of sheer panic I felt when the pain and discomfort overwhelmed
or the knowing that all that week of work and self masochism lead to such poor results.

I hate it, this feeling of helplessness. I did everything I could and yet this disease still haunts me. Its been 10 years and I am no where closer to a resolution.

I wished I had better things to tel Dr. Will, to mom and dad, to myself. but I can't stop feeling that I failed and its never going to end. Today it feels like this mountain is too difficult to climb and I can't even muscle the next step.

Today I don't feel very brave.

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On coming home today, I could bare answer phone calls or entertain questions about "how did it go". I laid there letting the clips play on skye yet I starred not at the screen but at my reflection. The depressed self that seems to mark every May. In the end I fell asleep in my jeans and jacket, despite the afternoon heat. No one bothered me, it was as if they knew. I arose just in time for dinner, dad cautious this time as he shook me.

I lugged my dead weight to the table and acted as normally as I could muster. Mom had been tired and so she just amounted my behaviour to fatigue too. But during dinner I began to talk, and as I spoke tear welled up and I couldn't help it but say how the last week has been a total waste of time.

What got me though was how my family, at least the remaining members banded together. Mom came over and gave me a hug. Honestly, that's the only thing I've needed all week. Then dad came over too and before I knew it I was pinned between them both semi unable to breathe. OMG, it was like my breath of fresh air. I squealed, eyes still filled with tears "I can't breathe.. too tight.." and dad cracked up about how his glasses were pressing and hurting too.

They just made everything all right. I love them both dearly.