expectations.. disappointment.. breakdown..

2011-12-17T17:04:00.002+08:00

some things never happen as you want it, then it is your choice to deal.
and when all avenue have turned up empty, and leaving you wanting more
you have got to wonder is what you've got worth risking

and if you look hard enough there are always good things
and if you focus on them they would grow, can I be blind to everything else.

i've listened to it at least a 100 times and the songs makes me feel more empty
and I do not know what to do but to dig into that hug and hope for the best
I guess I was hoping for more, maybe I expect too much.

2011-12-12T00:06:00.002+08:00

I cant wait till you come through those double doors, warm embrace and help you with those bags. That feeling in your hear or just below your collar bone that you have someone to depend on. I hold my breath, because I don't want reality to set in.

2011-12-11T23:45:00.002+08:00

I've sat here, listening to make you feel my love.
maybe not she sing, but I mirror her angst.

does he know that I would do anything for him
that if I asked santa for what I wanted, someone who adores me
and likes with uncanny similarity. who can't wait to meet my friends and family.
its god cruel joke.

but does he know what makes me smile,
because to him they are one and the same.

I am promising to give it some more time, some more TLC and maybe.. just maybe.

because I want this so badly to work out.

http://youtu.be/0put0_a--Ng

they flutter shut, visions of you
my heart promises t focus on all thats good
it hasn't made its mind up yet
and i wish it could blow wild and free
to make you feel my love.

hmm.. there is just something about the phrasing that has got me.
cant wait to see the pictures I take
and I get to see you.
there is something not present about it and there is something that makes it feel very empty.

2011-12-09T09:46:00.001+08:00

its about being present in this relationship. To love with every fibre in my body. You can be my unintended. I feel all these feelings fizzing to the surface and it has taken me all these days to embrace it.

I am sad that I'll only get a couple of day with you till I fly off again. I want to know you, I want to know you.

grasping on to fleetings of you,
feeling that its too good to be true
counting down the day till we both embrace
a silent prayer, a wish, a taste
today I am excited about spending it with you.
I cant promise forever, but I can give you right now
and I am staying right here

run to you, pray its true that everything you say and do
will make me fall in love with you
silly giggles and foolish ways, leave me in a daze
run to you, pray its true that I will be enough for you
that happiness is in our cards
a wishful thinking, a hopeful heart.

2011-11-19T01:55:00.002+08:00

Jiji asked me at Dim Sum so why did he win, and let me clarify that there is no competition here.

and so days before I hung up my hopes and headed back to the drawing board. And hoped that one day it's be my turn.
When no one else wanted to go and watch that movie, he did. That really was it. That tipped the scale.

2011-11-18T00:24:00.002+08:00

I spoke to Sherman.. and we bantered about it and has been extremely encouraging, my eternal optimist :) , Andrew coaxed for a different answer and by the time Cheryl asked for details.. I replied it happened like lightning speed.

nobody said it would easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

toss and turn at thoughts of you and you.
dreams of cuddles and long toasty campfire side conversations
and I've finally put a face to the happy anticipations, figments, notions
only to find that they only make me furrow and fear
when my heartstrings tug and social convention pulls
and all that keeps me going are thoughts and time with you
in my mind and around me everything is shifting and I hold still
eyes closed, arms around. *holding my breath*

sleep eludes me, from stress and other things
and now that the week is winding down I'm glad that I do too.
I pray for sleep this night

2011-11-09T21:12:00.002+08:00

today a little birdie told me "Golden rule is to breathe continuously" to which I replied, that may be true for diving.. to which the birdie replied,"That advice is for everything. Including how to live."

:) how true..

I am nervous and adjusting. Its hard to add one more thing to your life and still balance the equation. Something has got to give..

2011-11-04T15:42:00.002+08:00

I'm holding my breath, it feels a little strange to feel pang of longing. Giving in to leaning in. it feels strange but wonderful. And a point was raised, one that I have dealt, but like you know saying and doing is two totally different things. We'll see..

2011-11-01T16:31:00.002+08:00

I hold my breath and catch myself being to think about him throughout my day. And I teeter between wanting and resisting. What seems like an everyday thing for him, makes me melt with gratitude. Mostly because I usually look out for myself and having him around makes the evening double as amazing.

2011-10-31T01:18:00.003+08:00

i've just reached home from a drink session with jiang and his friends.
the ride home was my time to...
I told him about E and he beamed.
needless to say be wanted dirt
dont want to jinx it. I really feel that I know very little. but i can't help but feel elated
its rare to find someone who sees things as I do,
much less shares it with uncanny similarity

my mind is clouded with wheat beer and brainless banter
and thoughts concern
conversation flowed, and nervousness festered that my friends would not understand
their opinion matters
i thought about how I would tell him and her and them
and when it came, the the mind met the moment
It wasn't so hard
i look forward to each day with anticipation

2011-10-11T01:07:00.002+08:00

I distinctly told myself to just stop thinking about it and keep my distance. And slowly run out of reasons. Mind willing, body weak. Today I resisted from asking, but eventually said "what the heck" and it made me smile.

2011-10-03T21:07:00.002+08:00

note to self. I have got to not take myself so seriously.. learn to play and poke fun at myself.

today was very freeing. and though I haven't started on the work that I promised myself that I'd complete today. I know that it'll be all done by 2 am :)

my big dream for myself. to own my own home. A landed property in the telok blagah area. Run a successful retail/event business. Do thinks to inspire kids to learn and play.

get an MBA from an Ivy League school. travel to central asia. Bhutan, Tibet and Khasmir. Travel to Europe france, spain, Italy, Germany, Greece.

learn to play volleyball, squash, dive, guitar, piano, harp, wakeboard, snowboard

drive an audi TT. get a PPCDL, speak mandarin fluently, bahasa, french would be nice.

learn to sew, cook and tune an engine.

so here goes nothing.. one at the time.

2011-10-02T11:52:00.003+08:00

I think it is so true that because of how my work is sometimes it is very hard to make plans for the future, and I feel a little hypocritical.

so here are some dreams I have for myself and I hope that over the next 7 days working on them they will be well formed outcomes.

Get 700 points for the GMAT exam.
Get into a Management Training programme
Start my own events business

become a DM.
learn to sew myself 2 dresses
do my own manicures
start a travel blog.
learn to play the guitar.

2011-09-28T20:21:00.002+08:00

she's back. back to the drawing board. fixing up the pieces of her broken life so that someone might take interest and feels just like I do.

I wished you were here to help me with what to do and hold my hand and tell me that everything will turn okay. That maybe it'll be my turn.

I want to run. run away. I want to believe but in the same turn tear up everything I hold dear because sometimes it seems like I am broken. I peer at me, my reflection and I am hold, and true but lonely.

I wished I didn't give a fuck but I do.

2011-09-27T12:37:00.002+08:00

Maybe in his own quiet way he has been waiting and telling me. And maybe it is me who has been doing too much fidgeting. Stay and be quiet. Maybe you can hear what is not being said and the meaning you seek.

2011-09-14T23:20:00.002+08:00

we watched this horror show yesterday, and on the drive home I kept thinking if I should kiss him goodnight. I decided that I would. But when he gave me a hug as he turned on my street and stopped in front of my home, I sighed into the hug and I hesitated.

I cherished that moment. A perfect moment and why would I change that.

As I am thinking about it now. there have been a bunch of people that I watch movies with, go out for dinner. But this is the first time that, I would beat myself if I let him get away.

2011-09-06T02:14:00.002+08:00

I don't have to, but I want to
it feels so right, yet I'm thread slowly.
and with you I am myself, and I do not know if you might think I'm crazy.
i like to hope and pray that you'll notice that I trail on each phrase
and hold on to you just that little bit longer.

I can't tell. but it dawned on me that I'm invested
and right now. he could hurt me. Its a risk worth taking
my body is screaming run for cover.
go to where people give you attention.
but my heart says, stay a while and eat hazelnut ice-cream
sit with him and stay a while

2011-08-05T20:40:00.003+08:00

now that blogger is finally up again, I don't know what I want to blog about.

I am never able to stay mad at you for very long, I guess you have too many redeeming qualities. I should HATE you.

Today was an intoxicating experience, and I can see why I am under a spell. And now i don't want to over think the situation. But thinking about how much I should think about it really makes my head hurt.

I want to go with the flow. but...

what if...

I can't have everything. I shouldn't settle, neither should be unrealistic. I was over the moon when I saw it and he made me smile immensely. And though it was the smallest thing ever. It was me being a giddy school girl.

What would make me happy. What would make me happy right now.

but nothing ever happens the way you want it.

2011-08-03T01:38:00.002+08:00

this week theme is youthfulness.

meeting friends from past and parallel. not too sure where they fit, yet excited at all things novel.
My heart racing with anticipation and mirrored is the nervousness I too feel.
He came around the corner and we hugged as if we've expected this. though I haven't seen you in many moons. you remind me of him in so many way. I let him today take care of me. I shouldn't have, but he was so nervous and I just couldn't believe that though time has trickled by, we picked up where we almost began. Now that we are older and more distant from it all. it feels easy.

2011-07-27T00:46:00.002+08:00

It has been a while old friend, I thought you were asunder. It took not the brokeness for this aha! but instead the firm rejection of everything you had been taught to love. And now on hindsight, your own judgement was not far from fallen but you listened to misguided ghost who promised grandeur and eternities. Stuff of fairytales and fantasies.

He said companion, and I replied that he was misguided and knew not what he spoke of
that in relationship lay a core more profound than I could put into words
that kisses, cuddles and holding hands would make the earth grovel
for what it stood for, words could not suffice
sex. He shouted back, and I froze, my last destroyed it for me, I trailed
and it will never live up to that.

and though at that time I meant that no one could live up to that.. it could, but that would be tough shoes to fill.

but it has since taken on a different meaning all together. And maybe he has a point and I was the foolish one.

don't need fanfare, hugs, acknowledgement. I don't need a label or an arm candy. I don't want just anyone. I don't need someone.

I'm just glad to have you.

2011-07-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

there seems to be a rift, and I hope it is not me. I continue to soak up the sun and have fun. Wonder if i'd be forgiven for my grave mistake and its signs are worn away. When you see me, you will see me.

Thank you Sherman..

Sherman say
"youre going to find a guy whos gona make you so happyu
hes gna be mature
and itll be awesome"

2011-07-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

when god speaks to you. it feels like a whisper in your heart. It comes with such stillness and clarity there it feels like it has always been there.

I know now what I am suppose to do. Who I am suppose to be, how to grow in god's love.

2011-07-14T21:16:00.002+08:00

I think its easier to not get your hopes up, plan too far ahead. It seems disappointing when it does not turn out as you've hoped. Maybe out of all those leaps, one will turn out even better than. Maybe magical. Truly~ something that takes your breath away.

The cynic, piped that you've been caught up in romance and fairy tales. And I secretly hope that this could play out like one of those happily ever afters.

After playing the villain and dashing hopes, now its my turn to be the small fish in the predator's pond.

Was telling Cliff that there is something wrong with me, and he was so encouraging. And I think he has a point.

I seriously have to snap out of this. And accept me. stop looking. be happy :)

Here's! to Smiling back at you.

2011-07-08T02:00:00.003+08:00

and when all of the fanfare clears and the crowd is gone, its just gonna be us.

today you help me, i've never asked for help so pathetically before and you offered, out of your way and without hesitation. How do I ever repay that?

Thank you for being there when I needed you most. No questions, and whole-heartly ready to help. Words can't show my gratitude.

Today was a growing day. filled with new experiences and lessons about life and what is important to me. It was truly eye opening.

2011-06-30T23:57:00.002+08:00

the message tones and I click through, and feelings melt. places are meted and though I want not haste. I can't bare to bid adieu. the day has been long, and spirit lifted. And I hope to mirror respite. I listen in and bid good night. And all too soon till morning's light.

I hope to be able to give a helping hand
as has mine, your week seemed long
let nothing befall you, no sadness nor pain.
may our paths meet.

with all that is happening around me and week whizzed by like a whirlwind. A happy one of work, friends, family and food. Things are looking up and supper with lionel and bernice is always a comfort. They give me clarity and let me vent. Not to mention, I think that they ask the funniest what if questions; second only to Kristy. I can't wait to take action and come out tops. I excited about this new phase of my life and there is no stopping me now. I might not be the smartest, but I will work hard to get what i want.

2011-06-29T01:40:00.002+08:00

its all unfamiliar and there the ground seems to shift beneath my feet as I search for guarantees, though I find none. I try to contain my excitement, my enthusiasm to run ahead to see if the coast is clear or some resemblance of what may lie ahead. And I have to catch myself mid step, hold it. Roll with the punches, smile and don't let anything. And I mean anything stop you from you best life. Let them tease, let them say what they want. But never be pressured or rushed by the actions of others.

2011-06-16T00:21:00.003+08:00

today I am catching myself watching and waiting. A feeling I thought long forgotten, purged from my system. Learning to embrace this is so hard, every fiber makes me want to run and fall back into old traps. Thoughts that I am unworthy, feelings that I can't possibly be good enough. That love eludes me and being undeserving.

my humble hope that he'll pick me up and say everything will be okay and that maybe receive a tender peck on my temple.

I don't know if it wrong to think this way, but something I promised myself many moons ago was not to loose myself in the everydays of someone else. That in a relationship never to be fallen. It OK to be vulnerable, but don't be pathetic.

my anchor is that I am my own person, and that nothing can take away from me. Stay true, stay real, lean in not on.

I have a little confession. that this feeling is new to me. a compelling feeling that I know, a assurance that there a reason to stay a little while, maybe longer. When drew said that it could work, "I know". I admit, I never did. But with little more than a hair's breath to hang on to, I have feelings that run a little deeper than it should.

how i'd walk beside you

2011-06-02T02:12:00.002+08:00

how did I ever,
I thought I had it all along
wicked schemes and childhood dreams

how did I ever
find you, reach this
had I been lost without a clue

but in my mind and in my dreams
did I catch you, lean into
slowed two steps so I'd walk beside you

I'm anxious and afraid that
we're not on the same page
and that all I have are figments and fiction

days a long and drawn
did I catch you, lean into
you slowed two steps so I'd walk beside you

2011-05-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

its surprising how you have wormed into my life and found a warm, comfortable familiar spot in the crook of my lap. It keeps me thinking about coming home and reaching out and rubbing noses.

you warm my spirit, and make me want to chase down my bucket list, live life now. all this from a simple car ride.

there is not pretense, thus i'm unafraid
for if you not like, its okay to walk away.

and like I've admitted I am weary though every day a little more brave. everyday realising that you and I both have found another way to see eye to eye.

2011-04-20T14:44:00.002+08:00

nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

I somehow feel that I have grown so much in the last couple of months. I know what I want, I feel comfortable, comfortable in my own skin.

Of course, it doesn't exempt me from the occasional miss. This year has been full of surprises. Work has been good and now that it has wound down, diving and my studying has picked up. The problems don't seem so big. Anyway they aren't my problems to bear.

I think there is one more lesson to learn, to speak my mind and stick to my guns.

Meeting this new group of people, especially with fel there gives me this sense that there are people out there that share similar interest. More an more so, I felt that weren't. Glad to be proved wrong.

2011-04-19T14:54:00.002+08:00

my magic suitcase.

I wasn't planning to go on a trip, though sad I thought maybe June isn't that far away. Bali will be here before I know it.

Well, as luck would have it, I would pack my room and pack away the suitcase in the attic. And not 2 weeks from packing away this beloved Trunkie, I would be off on another adventure.

Last time after Indonesia, Malaysia and Japan in quick succession, I left my luggage by my door hoping that I would get to use it soon. Then for 2 months.. nothing.. then it got backed away and within a week I was off to KL. I just put it back upstairs as I left for the weekend diving with Fel no less. Didn't need Trunkie as I was just gone the weekend.

But as luck would have it, in a strew of events, I am heading to India for 11 days.

And when I get home I am going to quickly put Trunkie in storage and pray for another little miracle.

With love,

Zhi

2011-04-12T04:22:00.003+08:00

In many ways I see parallel, yet who can I not deny that you are unique. It is so hard to know that I probably don't know where you are coming from, though I so badly wish I do. Seeing you makes me feel that there are missing pieces that I had failed to pick up on. Seeing you makes me feel that maybe we could work this out.

and though I am, as I often do, feel skeptical. I think, quit thinking about what can't, but instead in what ifs. Like the past its hard to see you, feel you, and understand why you do not take whole of what is rightfully your. Time, opportunity, destiny. I seek to understand that.

In the meantime, I listen, I walk with.

Lionel say I put up with too much nonsense. And when you put up with cow you get cow dung.(that of course is my analogy) But you get the gist.

And I agree, man up, know what you want work hard and get it done.

I couldn't have been happier to hear from you when I got back
Hoping that you were holding up while I was gone
slowing becoming a fixture in my life.

2011-04-12T04:06:00.003+08:00

It has easily been 5 years since I last dived. Why did I take so long? The fish, corals, wrecks, even the night dive all took my breath away.

To sweeten the deal was the company of a great friend. Thank you for singing Disney songs as we basked in the sunshine and sat with our feet dangling over the bow.

I never expected to make fast friends, something I thought I had long lost touch of.

I loved every moment on MV DiveRace. Yes, even the stomach churning, head throbbing first night where I so unglamorously puked as we bobbed through the night. The first dive after my 5 year hiatus where I couldn't /didn't equalise. Getting lost with my buddy as we did our navigation and got cuts from the coral and from slamming into the ladder as I clumsily lugged my tank and BCD from the choppy waters to the safety of the boat.

For each of those times there are memories that will stick in my mind forever. My first swim through, cliffs on either side, nooks and crannies teeming with fish and wildlife. The shoal of Barracudas that struck terror despite my tough exterior. The cute puffer fish and my scampering to see the shark.

Out of the water, the crew treated us well and I spend hours playing Monopoly deal, talking about life. All this framed by the vast ocean, the starlit sky and the love of diving that permeated everyone.

2011-04-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

My day is what I made of it. I held my book and leafed the pages another world of animals and a quaint town of Pondicherry. I have never made it through that book, maybe I was never meant to. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying. Maybe I won't like the ending, maybe it isn't interesting or you wouldn't like where it'll take you. These are my many thoughts.

It is so hard not to have anything I can say back. Its hard to want it to bloom so badly but have nothing to offer. Have an opinion, do not ever pretend you do not have one.

re-coloured the hash tags
faded the highlights
walked silently, promised
empty expectations, chemistry breathes heavy
it seems fine, dandy yet happy?
regrets well up, seasons pile
evidence mounts on the divides
knowing doesn't make it easier
hoping doesn't make it disappear
and expectation leads to breakdown.

If I had 1 day to live, how would I spend it.

2011-04-03T23:28:00.003+08:00

I started my day with a crash! in a dash to find my Nalgene, I knocked over a brand new bottle of Vodka from the kitchen counter. I cried on the inside as I poured the remaining down the sink and cleared up the broken glass.

But my day took a turn, the sun was out as I left the driveway; There was no letting up. And though I was 20 minutes late my friends greeted me with smiles and a hearty breakfast.

The beach was bustling but not busy and I had a blast not because I brought everything I needed, but because I was with people who cared. My ball leaked air, there were jellyfish in the water, we had to squeezed to all fit on our sarongs. And through it all, I cherish every fun-filled, tranquil, greedy, quiet, hot moment.

Lynn brought up a good point, why has it taken so long for us to all come to the beach together. I don't know. But we are going to do it again and soon.

2011-03-28T01:21:00.002+08:00

i dont remember what I was doing or who was I with. But the other day I promised.. Promised long and hard.. Ahh.. I remember now. that I will not wait for others or be the second rate citizen in their mind.

today someone did something really nice a big change from the grudgery that I experience.

it was simple, unexpected and my heart skipped a beat. I know people do nice thing for me ALL the time. this was simply unexpected.

2011-03-13T16:56:00.001+08:00

so happy to be here to realign. its hard because i sometimes linger on the past. I know what to do and how. And I am jumping at the chance to show you.

2011-03-08T02:50:00.002+08:00

In short, seem more helpless, be more reliant and want to be taken cared of. That's how you get a boyfriend, blurted.

I walked away from those traits, promising never to lose myself when in the presence of another. To rely on what I know as true and secure and to first and foremost be my own person. And am I willing to give this up? Should it need to be a sacrifice to be with someone?

Don't I deserve to be happy? Ain't I already?

Then why should this matter? Does it matter at all? And If it doesn't matter, should I be worried about that? That unlike other I am not placing as much importance, prudence and urgency.

After getting my share of comments and torments this last couple. I think with fair certainty, I am destined. fated. relegated. thrust. left. predisposed. to walk this way alone.

Argh.. stop it with the alone thing. you aren't alone. you've got your people..

And when the dust is kicked up and the party is in a bustle, its happened before, left to fend. Twiddling, loitering and quick! act busy, like you just don't give a damn.

I would like to be fussed over and taken care of. I could easily do it myself, and I won't admit I'd like for you to do it. I've got pride too.

today I wrestle with the differing dichotomies
pride and prissy dreams
stacked of ideas and notions
and buckets of tears and commotions
warm hugs and tender kisses
they are little, but figments and empty
and though it would, easy nor right

2011-02-27T05:00:00.002+08:00

I want you out of my life. You make me feel that I am unimportant, you make me feel that I am second rate. That you rather be somewhere else but here.

It seems that you have become someone I no longer want to be with and it hurts but I've got to accept that. I hate you, I loved you and I can't stay angry with you.

I'm chasing visions of premonitions, shadows of the insincere. I walking circles around this place, broken from and left nothing but a trace. Unwittingly I agreed to dive into the pains of superficiality and false ambitions of tired spirits and breaks from tradition.

I don't need a trend, just a breakthrough

if I love you more

2011-02-26T13:52:00.002+08:00

his words, just words cut and scarred. It made me flash back on our years of friendship and think long and hard if I wanted him as a friend. It was but a moment, a breath between those words that shook me to my core. Words that makes me gag with disgust and reel in frustration.

"what time are you coming?"

"I don't know, when I wake up."

these words look harmless, they say little but meaning is what is measure.

when you decide to wake up, I would have gone to the market to buy our food. When you decide to wake up the rest of is will be preparing our dinner. I hope you realise that this is not a restaurant or a shop, this is me your friend and your help is deeply appreciated. And if you are not helping say that you don't want to help, I can take it, I can understand if you are not free. But telling me that you'll come when it is convenient makes me feel like you don't give a shit how I much effort I put in as long as it favours you.

2011-02-20T02:23:00.003+08:00

Should I stay or should I go. I like it here, there is so much great potential outside. I fear I will not meet any recognition beyond these wall.

And today I feel that you stand there and watched me burned. You held my hand and fed me hope, put me down then praised me.

destructive, and I want to walk away.

tell me what do you want from me and how can I make you happy. Is my say really important, it doesn't matter does it, so why should I bother about yours.

I love you. loved you. cried for you, might die for you. and don't even think you see me.

2011-02-18T01:59:00.002+08:00

You make me want to be a better person. I caught myself thinking of you and its like I can't breathe. Can it be? I miss you?

When it just hits you.

2011-02-16T12:13:00.003+08:00

It is 4am where he is right now, but I feel closer to him than anyone now. He says I want to find someone that I can take care of and I know what he means.

It is strange how some things are not meant to be explained but experienced. And I am experiencing a friendship that defies physical bounds.

2011-02-15T09:52:00.003+08:00

here I am being a nice person given myself opportunities to meet new people and wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I want to bolt and recluse.

We met for a "catch up" though I beg to differ. At the time I didn't know him. Man.. *alarm bells should have sounded. And its scary knowing that its kinda snowballing outta control. Just leave me alone screams the voice in my head. But then again loneliness might be worst.

2011-02-12T23:37:00.002+08:00

I'm a little surprised at where I ended up today. And though I have been feeling kinda down, I didn't think that reading about happy times would make such a world of difference. I look forward to when I might share that. For now keep smiling.

Even though you've been a million miles away. Your words still speak to me. Things will get even better. *finger & toes crossed*

it feels kind of a distant figment of my imagination. Something that happened a whole lifetime ago. I am please that it did. It gives me the belief that I am not some unlovable nincompoop just someone who maybe has been holding back.

it was my mistake to think that love isn't enough. It took losing a love of my life to figure that out. oh boy I'd never make the same mistake twice.

2011-02-03T01:15:00.002+08:00

I never would have guessed that life would have turned out this way and that a lot of the difficult choices that I had made in the past seems like specks of insignificant dust. They seemed so important at the time but of course has been monumental life lessons to help me grow, mature and make better choices now.

It doesn't stop me from being foolish from time to time, thinking that giving in will get me the answers I want and the short term satisfaction weighed against the long term gain. I think that is my weakness, I am risk adverse. But I too am thoughtful, a bit of a worry-wort by other people's standards.

Life has been relatively simple, and boy I like simple. When I left drew to find myself and lead a life beyond our combined expectations, I did not intend to end up here. Unsure, lonely, hopeful but still happy. Some assurance from time to time would be nice, to let me know that I am walking the right way. I guess, we don't get that privilege to get reminders like that.

Sometimes I find myself setting goals that are within my means, other times I find myself a little to "head in the clouds".

I think I would never mean what I want to say. And I try and let the words flow and take on a life of its own, and within these pages have its hidden meaning. In months to come, the meaning fades. But the feelings don't. That is what is most important.

For the next year, I promise to wear my heart on my sleeve. Get hurt and be vulnerable. Allow others to help me, stay pretty and be pretty. Heck what other people think and love myself a little more. Smile more, be generous and love thy neighbour :)

I will act like the person I want to be.

2011-01-30T01:14:00.001+08:00

Do you know that song from Yellowcard.. I feel broken, worn and tired. Maybe its the insurmountable work or the feeling like everyone is too busy to meet me. Maybe it how I fall back into the rut I so promised myself that I wouldn't ever fall into again. Over and over I feel like I'm beyond repair.

Today my work has triggered it and it is not easing.

2011-01-13T01:37:00.002+08:00

of you I dream of clear skies and apple pies, I feel a mix of muddle and clutter. For you I'd cross mountains but in silence and in you I've lost.

of him I hope for happier times and broken lines or symmetry in the undefined. With him I seek comfort and secret solace. In regrettable satisfaction, lost of sensibilities.

I often beeline for the negatives, the what's wrong and I'm nots. And though I don't think it is justified, I solidify that there is no linear language or logic to solve this complex root.

In this I feel not solace but dread that life is meant for lonely ends. In this time of solitude all I have learnt is to be astute. I hear say that susceptibility is the ingredient of opportunity but despite this precious bite, I still fall short, too much pride.

All I wish is to have my best friends back, and all I wish is to have all of you to talk to. I am sorry. I know I was wrong and what can I do to have you back.

2011-01-01T14:36:00.002+08:00

The world didn't come crashing down..

Sometimes its good to let loose and have fun.

2011 looks promising

I need a new best friend

2010-12-09T19:36:00.002+08:00

my sister wrote that the other day. and I have realised that I don't really have one. Not anymore, not for the longest time.

I do not want to focus on the hurt or the fact that I push them away. And maybe I am angry at them for changing. I too have changed and I can't expect that this will wait while the whole world moves forward.

I miss so many people that I have left behind in my life and sometimes I wonder if I will be seeing them soon, or if ever. And why was I so stupid to hurt them and drive them away. I feel that I am going to keep paying for that for a long time to come.

Of course I do not like the idea but that's what I think. Snap out of it man.

I think that really for the next couple of month, the work will dictate me. and I really need to stay grounded. Man I talk only about work.

Well I really want to dance but I do not even have enough time to think about all the other things that I would really like to do. Maybe a dinner with Minsy there a movie here and a party in my mind

Ram had this really queer conversation with me. a random one about how I should think about my future and the guy that would have to marry me. About how what if he couldn't afford to take me on trips like I am use to? I don't really think that is a big deal

2010-12-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

Omg it has been so long since I have been here. I sincerely am hoping that I can keep away.

This place has so many memories, some so stupid and naive that they are to never be forgotten.

Today is one of those days that no matter what, the work seems insurmountable. I wished there was someone to hold to say that everything will turn out fine. But the only comfort is from my ipod and the thoughts of bubble baths and dancing. I am on top of most things just that the dead line is drawing near and worrying about it seems to make me less and less productive.

I achieved the almost impossible. doing the work that other neglected and didn't want and made it happen. For this, I am immensely proud.

Now the mechanics to make it all tie together is resting on my little shoulders. Sometimes I question my purpose and my efforts are they worth the amount of efforts I am putting in. However seeing the rewards does put things all into perspective. I just have to keep to it.

2010-11-13T00:37:00.002+08:00

I am determined to leap into the darkest depths of disenchantment, to sing when there is nothing to sing about and laugh to pass the time. There is little who will understand and many who will stand in my way and yet, I am never alone. When all is full and the day is silent, my eyes weld up in tear of lost and regret. I never thought it can hurt more than in already does and it does prove me so awesomely wrong. When I think I can give in, I think and retreat back to what I know. It seem easy. With all that is going on, there is no energy to look into all that matter. All I feel is a muddle of fudge and I feel that I am so screwed up I must be damaged. I have no courage to say what I truly want and find myself sabotaging me into corners.

and you know what. what ever you focus on grows in your reality. and I have focused on this too long.

I hope for friends to spend time with and grow. A place of safety that I may turn to at the end of a long week. It makes me smile just to think about these things and just simply be there. Do work together and maybe have a chance to have some fun.

Life is speeding by.

2010-11-05T21:55:00.002+08:00

Did anyone catch the city skyline?

or Eat. Pray .Love

I have been so ubber busy that these evens just whizzed by and finished before I could catch them. That's really too bad.

I'm sorry that I missed you, and fell to another opportunity to say what's on my mind.

2010-11-04T22:20:00.002+08:00

today it feels like I am going places. It feels that things are going right.

I fell asleep yesterday preparing for this morning's presentation. Was overly stressed.

After, I now know what to work on. :)

The work does not seem so insurmountable and it is all the more reason to keep chugging.

I'm open to the possibility that I will fall flat, that when reality hits, it'll be like yanking the band aid off a fresh wound. I know it will hurt and yet, there is no plan I rather be.

Mind willing, body weak.

Keep on going. Because you'll never know where you'll end up.

Counting down the days to Japan.

2010-11-02T23:56:00.001+08:00

I'm glad that despite the heat, and the fatigue. I've not faltered. And I feel more so assured that I can.

2010-10-10T23:13:00.002+08:00

I keep walking in circles around you
why do I do this
especially when you're lonely, its when you want me

I begin to feel the hypocrisy when I tell them to be tough, stay strong and I feel like mush. And i keep feeling disappointed for no good reason.

2010-09-26T11:51:00.002+08:00

I'm an addict, obsessed with the feeling of falling. and when that feeling dies, i measure its value in romantic notions and gestures of tenderness. And when all that falls into a system, it feels like the feelings begin to dissipate.

drew told me thats not it. these expectations are outta whack, and I would have to agree. I like to think that I've dealt with it. I don't need the earth to stand still when I fall, nor does the world even have to know. But I am truly afraid that in the heat of the moment, that I forget all the important lessons that I've learnt and make those mistakes again too. The worst thing I can do is to hurt the ones that I love, push them away and act like I don't care. I've done that for so long, that I suppose its coming full circle. I now have to endure the same treatment I once thought was fair.

2010-09-25T15:40:00.003+08:00

how will 160 strokes suffice, how do I say that it feels like you're far away. I think about how you're doing and I wonder if you've too. I hope to see you but asking would seem only out of place. I strangely thought that I might disappoint you but more so now, I'm afraid that you'll hurt me. How have you been? you ask. Only guilty that I still feel for you. Fine *send

2010-09-24T18:01:00.002+08:00

With each day I find myself closer to you and with each breath falling faster. It was never about finding or fearing. All along you were right her waiting. I'm sorry if I never knew you. I see you, clear as day. The sun shines so brightly on us today. And I can't wait. Hopeful, just looking at you.

2010-09-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

This week has been dedicated to you
Thank you for always caring for me in your simple, quiet ways.
helping me fall in love with life, and making me the person I am today.

I'm going to miss you dearly, I didn't think saying good bye would be so hard.

For my first walkman, for all the rides to and from school. You were always reliable, always there when I finished, ready and waiting with strawberry yogurt :)

I never realised I knew so much about you.. but thinking about it now. It must have been tough to do all those things for me, not expecting anything in return. I don't thin my Thank yous can ever suffice.

I love you, I hope that you are alright.

Its not "goodbye" Grandpa, its just "so long"..

2010-08-31T00:50:00.002+08:00

I couldn't hate you, even if I wanted to. How screwed up is that. I feel all those feeling bubbling to the surface and it get me thinking about all those years ago when you did everything you could, And I should return the favour and do all that I can too. I guess that's all the falling that I'll have to do.

Most to most, I'd have to pick up the pieces.

I am gonna uphold my half, I'd be there for you come hail or high waters. And though I might not be there in the capacity I hope for. It shall never matter. I guess its my turn to watch from the sidelines.

Can't promise forever, but I'd try.

2010-08-31T00:04:00.002+08:00

I heard its piano intro, and it was love at first sound.

And after learning to play it, and the countless times watching it. It serves as reflection.

the dichotomy of wants. when how you feel is betrayed by every bone in your body.

should I be gullible and believe contrary to all that has been. And hope that maybe luck just hasn't been aligned. It deserves a fair chance to all play out. Or maybe let hope die, for when it does, it too will lead to answers.

2010-08-29T01:56:00.001+08:00

you must let hope die.
I see things much more clearly. though it makes me want to run.

2010-08-23T21:54:00.001+08:00

this is one of the many reasons that I couldn't let you see.. Here's to a leap of faith.

"has there been anybody who knew just the right things to say, at the right time
walk you home, after you had walked him home
listen to you rant and grabbed you so hard that all the hurt went away
someone whom you would tickle just so you could get close to him
we use to talk, go out for beers, just us two
hang out with me for breakfast
share pains, and simple pleasure, double the good news and hug away the bad
he's been there, and I've been there for all his highs and lows..
school. friends. army. uni. work
and suddenly I have this chance, that I never had before,
now just to hold on till he comes up for air."

2010-08-20T01:48:00.003+08:00

This week has been a whirlwind. theme being trust. Who Do I trust? who should I trust? I'm not so sure about good intent anymore.

On hindsight things always look simpler. Context and clarity gives the issue dimension; decreasing the salient of what was once a very tumultuous time, or so I thought.

My mantra this week is.. K.I.S.S - a page out of "How Starbucks changed my life". Keep it Simple, Stupid! And when I do, I realise that complexity is just an excuse in disguise. I would have never have guessed it would have come from there of all places. I feel just as hurt. Maybe not. This time, I caught myself.

I'm getting tired. Its getting arduous. And worst still, all I do, I am getting burned.

Sometimes I beat myself down about the lives I could be, would have been leading. But girl, get a life.

What I am saying here is, it my turn to get muddled, to unmuddle then say "it's simple. Goodbye."

2010-08-19T16:21:00.001+08:00

How I feel today

2010-08-07T23:39:00.002+08:00

i didn't realise that I have been filling my days with activities. GMAT, WA, friends, books, Meeting, Trainings, Travelling. There are so many other things i still want to do. Dance, more travelling, making money, pilates..

i guess there is more to do..

I catch myself thinking of better things
no longer worried about
though nothing has changed
everything moved in vibrant hues
looking forward to seeing you

coming up for air

2010-07-31T14:24:00.002+08:00

Everything turned a shade of sepia, it was as if time stood still. Leaning into, after one too many. We had to catch up with the gravity of that moment. Nothing else mattered. There was honesty, fear, hope all rolled and intertwined. Thank you courage, maybe it's time to come up for air.

2010-07-26T18:01:00.000+08:00

Now that we're a little older, a little wiser and a tad more picky. Back in the day, the thrill was getting into the club and doing our best not spend a dime on cover or drinks.

Yup, the wonders of Ladies' Night. Those many Wednesdays spent at the now defunct China Black.

Friday was a blur of partying. A snapshot of how partying has morphed into. With a little more buying power, an acquired taste and the insistent to have fun. Bottles reserved, covered comped. Drinks are free flow, Alcohol aplenty friends of friends of friends makes the partying bustling. No worries about being taunted about our embarrassing dancing or R&B grinds.

2010-07-20T23:17:00.002+08:00

do you ever remember the first time you got your heart broken.

It wasn't a momentus occasion. I don't even remember if I cried. I wasn't even thinking about it until just moments ago. A distant figment really.

I may not remember a lot of dates, but I remember this one. It's all coming back..

I wasn't rejected, neither was I left by the waist side. But I left broken, the words cutting me deep. promising not to open my heart.

So when life took its course, and the timing became convenient. As hard as I tried, I was filled with resentment and anger, leaving no space to love.

That's the glory of love.

2010-07-20T22:56:00.002+08:00

letters to Juliet made me reflect on my life, my regrets, my fears. Also my opportunities, my experiences and adventures.

I mutter the serenity prayer under my breath and fingers and toes crossed that when I see you, I can. What and if. 2 very simple words, but when put together could haunt you for eternity. "What if?"

i believe in a time and place, in design and a dash of fate. And hope to relinquish my fears to trust fervently. Yet many times, these feeling elude me and I am left in a strand.

though I would agree that things have turned for the better, and many a thanks to wonderful people who might not care if I exist, people that I crave to know and understand and seek understanding. Things that I will not ever be able to request for. mush lest receive.

will saying it really help. will letting others know how I feel make any difference.

I have this worry that I may self destruct. I feel it bubbling to the surface.

2010-07-20T17:12:00.002+08:00

a blast from the past, knocked me off my feet and into a state of fuddle
and i have told secrets, and I have kept secrets and some I understand will stay behind my own privacy settings. As much as I want to let you in to share in that. There lies secret about you and things I feel are better held by blinders. I maybe will, after 1 too many whiskeys.. might lean into the night. On second thoughts.. unlikely.

there was a cool breeze running through my hair, the day bloomy but the that all right. I'm bundled up indoors. safely. Till I unfuddle I'll FYI.

sometimes you can make all the plans in the world, but it backfired and causes a resentment so deep and so raw that nothing. no explaination. no logic. no peace can fill that angst. Its not your fault or anyone else. Just the over zealous thinking of the task at hand. When that happens, expectations lead to breakdown.

the last few days have been excellent lesson in surrender. and all will turn out well. My friends, thank you for showing me that love comes easily.

2010-07-12T01:11:00.003+08:00

There are many things that I regret in my life, you aren't one of them. When I see you, I hope that we'll both be friends. And in the meantime, I wish that life treats you well and heal the wounds that we've left to dwell, only time will tell.

Maybe in another lifetime, in another time. When we were younger, foolish and naive. Maybe it was reality or tales of make belief. In the depths of my heart was truth. And truth that didn't set me free. That sometimes, love isn't enough. And love is you.

2010-06-27T15:17:00.003+08:00

As I get older my perspectives shift. It doesn't make me a different person does it? I'm older and bolder, having made the mistakes or was left wanting and regretting.. I relish each moment and chance on opportunities

while I danced and had a blast, I wonder for how long more can I live and party like this. I know I don't do it too often but.. yea.. I'm over thinking it aren't I.

I met Lionel for supper a couple nights back and admitted to him that there was this cute guy on the train that I almost gave my number to. Gosh how would someone react if I did actually have the balls to do that.

Lionel makes some very valid points. Thanks for wanting to help a girl out.

partying yesterday did however make me realise a lot about guys, well.. I can't say I didn't already know it. But I didn't put 2-2 together.

Lionel, I don't agree that clubs are the place to meet guys. At least not the ones that would respect me,woo me and like me for me.

Clubs are a fast-paced, emotional desert of grinding and raging hormones.. you should have seen the fresh meat just out of tekong that were hanging with us. Boy do I want to give them a good one.

2010-06-23T21:35:00.002+08:00

Instead of heading home as promised, I stayed behind.
and in that time I realised, the wrong was mine
with your guidance, it brings new clarity
helping me to do as I feel more readily

and if I were so bold as to tell you how I feel
maybe it'll not have gone unspoken, unsaid

2010-06-17T01:28:00.000+08:00

i've been training since the morning and yes, I should be appreciative, but I am really fatigued too...

I look forward and I look to you

2010-06-05T23:04:00.002+08:00

I take a step back from myself,
a frozen frame in the sand of time
and I watch myself fall into spaces
and unwitting places
watching and hoping that I have the strength to do right my you.

All I want to do is to do as I feel.
and when put in the spot,
over and over, I do the easy thing
and not what my heart say.

darling girl, haven't you learnt your lesson
I know you want to go with the flow
but, strength is doing the right thing even when its difficult.

in the places that I need, I pray for serenity,courage and wisdom to know the difference.

All I hope is that I do right by me.

2010-06-04T01:14:00.002+08:00

Is there ever a good enough reason to fall,
Must there even be an explanation
When all else makes no sense
yet the feelings are immense
I find nowhere else to turn, but you

don't give up on love just yet
I believe you deserve the best
I know you hurt and nothing feels like it can make amends

Its getting lonely, and sometimes its hard not to keep the tough front. I don't want to idle no more, neither do I want to be too hasty.

I feel that the bar was set to high, and I don't ever think I'd be lucky enough to meet someone would take the time to get to know me. I don't ask for romantic gestures nor fairytale notions, they exist in a world far beyond what I can take.

Being ordinary, asking for extraordinary is not my deal. Just someone who I could love and care for.. for now..

2010-06-01T23:41:00.002+08:00

mercy is always a source of epitomes.

If i was comatose and woke up after 10 years, what would I remember..

I half expected myself to say something like my ex. or something along those lines. However nothing really definitive really comes to mind.

I'd definitely have my loving family on the list...

Yup, that is utmost.

dodge the questions and avoid the subjects
hope silence trumps the uneasiness
through the rain, and through the wire
what I do ain't how I feel
yet I go with the flow, afraid to loose what I got
I timidly cower in cloudy notions,
admitting only to an out of body experience
and can' accept, yet I do nothing
and let it happen, over and over and over
what kind of a person does that
why would I let that happen, even when I don't want to
don't ever put yourself in that position
that way avoid facing up to it
because facing only hurts

many moons ago, I told someone, I love you.
and in response, i was told, I can't say that yet.
I didn't know what that was. the L word.
and it came, then it went
and don't ever.. I say ever.. tell me that its forever.
Because somewhere lost and in my past I believed you
and in a fit of silliness, reciprocated
and I am paying that price.

I'm back to the beginning. I never deserved you.

2010-05-26T22:23:00.002+08:00

I'll be very honest. I don't like feelings, so much so that I tend to deny them and run in the opposite direction. I would probably fit no normal circumstance.

It's my privilege and my curse. Every day I take the baby steps to acknowledging how I feel and sharing them with other people. It's by no means an easy feet, baby steps.

I love life, I love my life. I'd have it no other way, maybe better. But the past wasn't better. It doesn't stop me from thinking of the past, missing bits and pieces of it. Hoping that maybe that wasn't the best life had to offer. It's a risk that I've had to live with and one that I am more than willing to take.

Backpacking, trip to amazing places, doing silly things, dancing in the streets, picnics and long walks to no where, road trips and partying.. I've done it all, and there is so much more to come. Maybe if I go alone, it really is no big deal.

Sometimes there are pangs, where I wish there is someone to share it with. Not someone who hears what I have to say, but someone who listens and not brushes me aside.

there is so much more than just loving someone. But when I do, I promise to fall.

My heart feels so full, listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, full from, going on a shopping trip with the girls, showing them around Jakarta. Yet it is so empty, from pushing people away, empty from not having someone to run to.

There are good things to come. I believe that.

2010-05-25T22:06:00.002+08:00

I had been way too judgmental. It took the happiness project to really help me let go of the small stuff. Its makes me a better daughter, sister, trainer, friend. And maybe in the future a better lover.

There is so much growing to do if I want to move out soon. real soon. I am starting to realise that as much as I think I am not... I am spoilt.. and take too many things for granted. My well swept room, my ironed clothes my messes that clean itself up :)

today I thought how nice it would be to not have to work.. what do I have to do for that~~

2010-05-25T21:17:00.002+08:00

i left my phone at home, I was up and about by 6.30am. My first meal was dinner, I felt ipod at my 2nd stop. I had 3 training venues today and trained 8 hours more than I did at my entire trip to JKT. And more than I have trained in my last 2 weeks combined.

I was sapped. I drank so much water that I felt like a camel. And when all was done, I was suppose to head to old school for a local film.. but I ditched the idea for a dinner with friends and the comforts of a hot shower and my bed..

Mark the date

2010-05-19T02:28:00.002+08:00

when I was younger, you could say I was ill-informed. Crushes and puppy love. I was won over with companionship and love notes.

But now after meeting men and dating, I never knew attraction could be on so many levels.

I'd meet someone and complain there is no chemistry, but there is physical attraction. Then again, when I do chance upon chemistry, then am I attracted to this person? I'd ask. Yet more puzzling is interests. I don't share any similar interest and yet I like this person. But what is there to do together if you have NO common interest. And when you do have common interest, yet this person is not someone that you seem to have chemistry with.

Yes, I do agree that feeling can be nurtureded, "pei yang"(ed), then again people say that its first impressions that counts. So with all these varying arguments, and all these different facets of dating, attraction and the elusive "L" word, how would you pick a mate?

stay single, celibate and own 20 cats.

Why can't guys be like those in the romantic comedies..

Sweep you off your feet, do the most impossibly romantic gesture.

you know those cheesy pick up lines in movies and the 80/20 rule of first kisses (or is it 60/40). Well, its not that it does not work on girls here, I suppose.. guys you need to be smooth to pull it off.

It either fails miserably and sends the girl running for the hills or comes out so cheesy it sets girls falling off their chairs instead of into their arms.

I've had the pleasure knowing smooth talkers that could say just about anything and still get a girl's number. And boy oh boy... if not for the fact that I know WAY too much about player past.. I would fall for it Hook Line and Sinker.

The Happiness Project

2010-05-18T16:07:00.001+08:00

Like Gretchen Rubin says in her book, I too am not depressed and in need of a get out of this rut intervention. But I do contemplate how awesome it would be to be happier and lead a more fulfilled life.

In this book there are so many wonderful snippets of information about how to let the small things slide and not be resentful about being under appreciated. I too am learning how to love people the right way. Not by nagging and setting myself up for failure but by doing as I feel, not sweat the small stuff and stop dumping..

I'm only 60 pages in, and there are so many things to tell about this book like...

"One of the great joys of falling in love is the feeling that the most extraordinary person in the entire world has chosen you"

That really was an amazing feeling.. I forgot about that. And when I am ever so lucky enough to feel that again. Be sure I'll do right by it...

2010-05-16T12:21:00.002+08:00

of course I am worried, how my life would turn out.

However my focus needs to be on what I can do.

Hanging out with Minsi and Cheryl is always a pleasure, Cheryl always comes up with the coolest things to talk about. Philosophical topics about life, love, marriage and dating..

Cheryl says.. and I dont think this is a complement.. that she cannot read me. I mean we talked about the people in our lives and we knew "them" why they do the things they do; their "model of the world".

there seems to be too many permutations to how I would react to something.

I guess I like to keep people guessing??

I know its one of the things that drove people crazy when they date me.. One minute we could be fine and then I would re-categorize or in my crazy moments and jump the gun, thus finding an excuse to bail.

The movie yesterday struck a cord, and I have been so blessed in my life to have had so many people who loved me. I'm suffering the consequences of having pushed them all away.

I am most afraid that I haven't learnt my lesson, and when I put the peddle to the metal I might choose a fight or flight response.

Right now, I have come to accept these faults of mine, hopefully I am well on my way to correcting my ways.

2010-05-11T08:44:00.003+08:00

to have had you in my life has been a blessing
and sometimes I catch myself hoping for more
a lot has come and gone
sometimes I am sure that its over
and other times I habour a glint of perseverance
through it all you've meant so much
and to give up now would be a bitter shame
you held me high, when I didn't know how to
and the person I am today,
I have many a thanks to you
till again hearts a sunder
Maybe one day, some day soon.

I hope to help see you through
hear your heatbeat go on for miles

2010-05-11T08:38:00.003+08:00

So I went to build sandcastles, they keep poking fun about having "moments" where our hand will meet when we share the shovel or like plan our future together castle style.

I guess the world has very little room from platonic friendships. I guess that it true even for me. I quickly jump to conclusions and I enjoy chunk sized morsels of gossip. The juicer the better.

Maybe it should come as no surprise this is what they conclude. I guess that's okay, as long as I know where my head is in this situation.

2010-05-11T08:33:00.002+08:00

I might have only slept at 5am. But I am really rested. I'm in for a long day's work and I can't wait.

You can always be happier.

The Happiness Project like Eat Love Pray is one of the self help auto-biographies I am reading. And I think the concept is excellent.

I'd recommend it as food for thought.

2010-05-09T22:02:00.002+08:00

I'd been dying to go to Ikea to pick up stuff. After 1 blotched attempt. I finally made it. I braved the crowds and had a ball of fun combing the aisles for loot.

Today is going to be the start of many restful night. I bought myself a pillow!! I know.. Ikea is not really a pillow place, but trust me..

I went for a slumber party, and I slept better with this pillow than I did at home.

I just had to take one home.

I love you because....

2010-05-09T21:59:00.003+08:00

Dearest Mom,

I remember as a school girl coming home cuddling with you in your bed, and you asked me "How was your day?". I replied, though I may have only been in pre-school "I come back at the same time, we do the same things mom." And I'd never forget what you said, "it doesn't matter how old you get, I always want to know how your day went".

It's been 20 years, and you still hold true to that promise.

Thank you mom for always being there for me, listening at the end of your long day. For looking after this big kid of yours. As the oldest, I guess I had the privilege of your time, your energy and your attention. Things that I treasure most and keep close to my heart. I think so many of my loves and passions stem from your nurturing graces.

I look forward to loving you and taking care of you all the rest of my days, just like you have unfaltering for all my life.

I love you mom.

With Thanks,
Zhi

2010-05-07T02:42:00.002+08:00

As much as I do enjoy blogging. for a very long time I've kept my frustrations masked behind metaphors and cryptic prose. In the hopes that no one will get hurt, and that I do not anger those that hurt me.

The fear and anxiety I feel towards hurting someone or the worry that people will see me in a different light compels me from openly declaring how I feel. Be it overly happy or overtly flustered.

The O episode spoke to me. I am not a serial killer. neither am I related to one. I have done nothing wrong to feel this alienation. I am allowed to feel those emotions, be it contrary to what other people think.

All the blogs I love to read have their entries and emotion peeled back. Exposing their true feeling. As much as people talk about it. They accept it. They might not agree with it.. but just like me, one of their reader, I am intrigued, hooked and maybe sometimes taken enough to gossip about it.

So what..

the world is still going about its day, and nothing happened. Darling, nothing is going to happen to you if you strike it crazy. take the bold pose, the untrodden road. they might frown in dismay, but after that they'll go about their day.

So Cheers! to taking bolder steps to speaking openly about how I feel.

2010-05-06T21:57:00.002+08:00

When I first heard this song, I thought it was a love song, about lost love and regret. But that's not it at all. It's a song about strength and the strength to let things go and move on. To be free.

It's my song of the week. maybe longer..

Maybe you think sometimes you can't hold on, well, just let go because there is nothing holding you back but you...

2010-05-02T22:19:00.002+08:00

falling sick. It rarely happens to me, but I have been down with flu-like symptoms for the last 2 days and its been yucky.

to forget completely about volleyball and lay on my couch all day about it for me. All that I could muster.

Thankfully I had the new channels on cable.. Not that it was much help though.. I was relegated to watching reruns of glee, CSI and Law and Order SVU.

The world is changing, correction... my world is changing, the boys are all graduating, young men of our workforce facing structural unemployment..

From here on out sociology tells me that they succumb to class segregation. They also succumb to the sociology of the urban landscape. A rat race where the goal is accumulation of wealth. Inadvertently causing them to experience alienation and lost of social networks.. as they become defined by their desk bound computer hugging jobs.

My fear is that I will slowly lose them, and all that'll be left will be the distant memories. with each time I see them we will all have each gained 20 pounds and a hat trick of jolly stories about our dismal lives, comings and goings.

Lets just say I am 25 going on 30.. worried that my life will not mean anything. God I am worried.

Well darling.. you've got to do something about it???? but what?

2010-04-28T01:14:00.004+08:00

no one except you was able to see past my front
letting so little a glimpse into my santum
yet that too was too painful for me to hold on to
and again, I made me shrink back in despair

I fear most, not what I regret then
but that the viciousness with not cease
in the end, I'm left to burn
and in the end I'll be the one that hurts

---------

maybe hurting is for the best. I rather I hurt that anyone else
and as I lurched in this soup of melodrama
I can't help but think that I have been forgotten.

I think of you and I feel the sunshine pour in
and it doesn't matter if the teacups are mismatched or the coffee is bitter
I love the way I can't help but want to spend time with you
and It my hope that I can find that in someone soon.

more than I hate being alone
I don't want to be with someone for lonesome's sake
I hate waiting on people
I hate being left in the lurch
waiting, hoping, that plans are going to be made

2010-04-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

something always lead me back, but its no longer my addiction. I find it easier to offer it up, come what may. My day passes faster that way, and I appreciate the little things. I do catch myself often shoulders shrug and farrowed brow. But as quickly as it wrinkles, I breathe a sigh of calm.

more and more, I am present in what I am doing. so THINK BIG. go places.

I am looking forward to all that is planned. Take action baby~

2010-04-25T15:13:00.002+08:00

"There are some things success is not. Its not fame, its not money or power. Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally fly out the door. It is getting to work with people you love. Success is connecting with the world and making people feel. Its finding a way to bind together people who have nothing in common but a dream. Its falling asleep at night knowing you did the best that you could. Success is joy, and freedom and friendship. And success is love."

~Jenny, Fame.

2010-04-23T20:10:00.002+08:00

I walked the busy streets,
and sun streaming in
rays glare harshly off shards of window

I met people I knew,
and stared at the faces, many faces
all unfamiliar, yet warm and welcoming

You know that moment..
when you get to that place, that wonderful, beautiful place..
never again will I say " I want to come back here some day."
I am here.
Relish that moment, because it last, but for that moment
some of them are gone, and you may never get them back.

2010-04-19T22:08:00.001+08:00

help me pick a part that's new
let me put more trust in you
make time to have fun
a place to call my own
an amazing new chapter that incorporate all the highlights and more

2010-04-19T19:26:00.003+08:00

nothing sad to report.
it a far cry from my youth
I think I've mellowed
grown into my skin

maybe a hint of me fears
that it might come back because I expect

so far its been smooth sailing
and my motto is "Think big. Go places"
inspired by the success of zhen, stereophonics on the itunes
and affirmation of love
i mean there is always high heels and eye liner to hide behind

but you know, I wrote,
what if I met my McDreamy, would he do a double take
would he want plain me?

I would say, back.. not a chance.
Even if he did, I would have said "no".

But now I'm not so sure.

Sometimes less is more, sometimes you need to "invest". Its all about give and take. It about letting life happen. I know I can't control all its comings and goings. It takes work. And I dare say I haven't got there yet. But I am a pretty good work in progress.

2010-04-19T09:25:00.001+08:00

we just had dinner, took a drive to the Barrage. We chatted about random happenings and laughed at her hooker heels.

get a grip girl.. good things.. make them happen